Maybe '70s dope wasn't as potent as it is these days, but it sure managed to make Disco Decade porn seem a whole lot better than it was. If the better-known, half-watchable "classics" pale in comparison to contemporary standards of heat/explicitness, try and imagine how crappy the second-tier stuff of yore might look today. Shit, you don't even have to imagine! Thanks to the miracle of DVD, Milk Maid rises like a moth-eaten zombie from Night of the Living Dead to make our case.

It's a given - any flick opening up with a woman sitting around flipping through a magazine (bemoaning her state of boredom) is bound to suck rotten ostrich eggs. Expectedly, our uncredited horny housefrau subsequently beds her fellow apartment-dwellers in a few encounters that almost make sex unappealing. For a title like Milk Maid, one might reasonably expect a few big 'n bouncy jugs. Keep expecting, gang.

Only the ghost of Jim Holliday could possibly enjoy this stuff. If anything, the thought of all that untrimmed feminist-era cunt hair that most of us have managed to forget suddenly comes back in all its hirsute glory.

Trailers for Debbie Does Dallas, Inside Desiree Cousteau and Little Girls Blue offer brief respite from the boredom.

Retailing: Nostalgia freaks only.