During the course of this two-hour solo extraveganza, we began wondering: What precisely is Amateur Pages? Where do they get these girls? Is that Mary Carey? It sure looks like ... yes, it is Mary Carey! Why do these so-called amateur girls look like professional strippers? Are there any Cheetos left in the pantry? What time is it in Perth, Australia?

Obviously this boredom-imposed reverie wasn't doing us any good, and neither was the DVD. We did a little Net surfing and discovered that CinemaPlay Entertainment is the DVD distribution arm of Adult.com, a network of 110 pay sites with 40 million visitors each month. No wonder they have to crank out product without so much as a care to content; that machine needs to be fed brother! Not once do any of these chicks lose themselves and roll their eyes up in orgasmic frenzy - they remain dry and detached, just diddling through the motions.