Sometimes marketing savvy outstrips the quality of video-making in the porn world, sometimes not. Here, despite the technical merit of some of the work here, the overall rating is generous at best, and even that mediocrity outperforms the market mind at work here.

Did you think porn needed a zillionth-and-one vampire flick? Me neither. Did you suppose the fact that it's a muddle, made by an Italian, filmed in Austria, with a largely English-speaking cast, would help? Me neither. Did the presence of by-now retired folks or retreads like Patricia Kennedy (hideous — sorry for the insult, but there's just no other word — in incredibly overdone vampira makeup), Lois Ayers, Carolyn Monroe, and Tonisha Mills augur for better market response? I didn't think it would, either.

Did the fact that this is obviously a couple of years in the can give it a patina of appeal? And do we really need to see Ron Jeremy in yet another grubby-Igor role, unshaven, with blacked-up teeth, eating worms for both fore- and afterplay? I don't know about you, but I was planning to eat again in this lifetime.

Worst of all, this is a definite two-parter: the story dead-ends with Joey Silvera, on his honeymoon, having his car break down (although it seems to run just fine) in front of the vampire's castle. (The sound you hear is Brain Stoker doing 360's in the grave.)

There's no point in rehashing the plot. Suffice to say that there are many short sex scenes, all intercut to maximum disadvantage; a couple of poorly-covered vampire orgy scenes (sex in a cheesy cardboard imitation of a coffin is about as interesting as you might imagine, if you're prone to nightmares, that is),- and the only sexual interest is a Tonisha Mills-Rocco Siffredi coupling on the big dining table that features some good doggie-plowing. Even this is spoiled by intercutting with another Ron Jeremy/Sandra Grey scene (not bad in itself, but by this time, you hate Jeremy's sicko character so much, you really don't want to see him have sex, any more than you wished that the Fatman would beat Jake's time).

Stock in depth for your Max Bellochio fans.