LOS ANGELES—Violet Doll enjoyed yet another productive year of content creation in 2020 while at the same time deciding to make her mental health top priority.
The reigning Fan-Voted AVN Award-winning Favorite Domme tells AVN she has learned that mental health is “an important thing to talk about.”
“I’ve never really been good at faking it,” Doll says. “If things got real, I would be open and honest. In this industry we sell a fantasy. So it’s not always great for business to talk about some of the more personal things in your life because customers want a fantasy. But that doesn’t always work when you’re struggling.”
Doll continues, “This pandemic is trauma on its own. We’re being massively traumatized by what’s going on. Not everyone is going to end up with PTSD, but I can’t pretend anymore. I need to be honest with my own personal struggle.
“Maybe it would be better for business to keep faking it but I keep feeling like I have an ethical duty at this point. I’ve reached a certain level in my career where it’s not going to hurt me as much as it’s going to hurt someone else. It takes talking about things to remove that stigma. And if I’m in a position to talk about it, I need to talk about it.”
Violet says she and her best friend, fellow adult creator Breton MacQueen, were at a shopping mall where a shooting occurred at the beginning of 2020. The incident affected her more than she realized at the time.
“I felt OK for probably five days or so and then all of a sudden I wasn’t OK,” Doll says. “I knew I had to go speak to a professional. I had PTSD and the shooting brought up a bunch of old trauma.”
Doll in February started attending weekly Behavior Therapy sessions to address how she was feeling.
“I thought I could work through it. I thought I could be back to myself quicker, but it took accepting that I need to slow down. Being a workaholic and a perfectionist was kind of avoidance on my part,” Violet continues.
“This year has been rough for everyone. Most people are struggling with the pandemic. That’s why I’ve tried to be more open about this. I feel like pretending everything is perfect just isn’t the right choice for me.
“And the more I’ve been open about mental health and my own struggles with PTSD, the more I’ve had people reach out to me and thank me for being open about these things. It made me realize it’s a topic I need to address.”
Violet says the mall incident happened about five days before the 2020 AVN Awards Show, which was on Saturday, January 26 in Las Vegas. She and Breton were enjoying “a girls’ day” at the mall when someone fired off several rounds, injuring six people.
Doll recalls on her last day in Vegas she experienced an episode called derealization.
“It’s a form of disassociation,” she explains. “It was a really bad experience. I had extreme anxiety and paranoia. I thought maybe I was drugged. After getting about five hours of rest I started to feel like myself again and I knew in that moment I had to go speak to a psychiatric professional.”
Even before what happened at the mall, Violet says she has overcome many personal challenges to get to this point.
“I had a lot of traumatic things happen to me throughout my life. I’ve had a pretty rough life, but I just figured I survived it, I’m fine. I went to therapy in my teen years. I was misdiagnosed with things, I was medicated for things. I did things a lot differently before. But now I realized I’ve been struggling with PTSD all of my adult life and probably much of my childhood.
“I think in recent years many people are starting to realize the impact that trauma has on your mental health.”
In November, Doll transitioned from her weekly Behavior Therapy sessions to Exposure Therapy as she continued her treatment program.
Exposure Therapy involves “being exposed to your emotions regarding the event,” according to Doll.
“PTSD is often from avoidances,” she adds. “It’s like I know what happened to me but I’m avoiding feeling emotional about it.”
“I’m just kind of in the beginning phases of it,” Doll said in late November. “There is a lot of protocol involved.
“Tomorrow will be a more in-depth discussion related to past trauma. I’m nervous. I get extremely nervous before I go and I get tempted to just cancel. It’s a bit of a struggle but I’m committed to it. I believe in it and I I’m going to stick to it. I see the same therapist for both. We shifted from Behavior Therapy to Exposure.”
Doll wants her friends, fans and industry peers to know that it’s OK to not be OK.
“To anyone out there who might feel like they’re struggling this year just remember you’re not alone,” she says. “And remember that it’s OK to not be perfect all the time. Sometimes we’ve just got to give ourselves a break and have compassion for ourselves.”
She credits her loyal fans for continuing to support her while she works through things.
"All the years I put in thankfully have come in handy at this point. I have a lot of content to sell still, so taking a break is not quite hitting me as hard," Doll says. "I think it’s important to feel gratitude over what you have during these hard times. One thing I’m really grateful to be able to do is to just work from home—to do online sex work and still make an income for myself while I’m trying to take care of myself and heal. One of the really amazing things about this job is you can do it from anywhere and can make your own schedule.”
Through it all Doll has continued to post regularly on her AVN Stars account, where she has emerged as one of the leading creators since the launch of the platform.
In what without question was one of the best clips of 2020, Doll unveiled “Femdemic” on September 25.
She produced, directed, edited, styled and starred in the futuristic two-minute clip that takes on a live-action comic strip feel. She introduced it with this post on AVN Stars:
The year is 2020, an election year. Humankind has been struck by a global pandemic. Those in power are as baffled as the citizens. Society begins to crumble & desperation leads to extremism.
As the government distracts the public by politicizing the virus & using the mainstream media to fearmonger, only one woman knows the truth. Well, one woman & her army of minions.
She is patient zero & the manufacturer of the deadly virus that has left humans weak & vulnerable, diverting leaders worldwide. She also possesses the only supply of a legitimate vaccine. As with everything good in life, it comes at a price.
“I think it was just my creative way of taking out some pandemic frustration to be honest,” Violet says. “I had the idea kind of in the beginning when the pandemic hit. It didn’t feel right and it took me months to finally get to it. I still get kind of anxious and emotional over everything.
“Eventually it was September when I finally finished it. I was a bit worried some people would be upset or offended but most people enjoyed it and found it relatable.”
Doll even donned her plague mask in the video.
“The first step in creating ‘Femdemic’ was just a look and an idea,” Doll says. “… I knew I wanted to use the plague mask. It was actually white and I painted it pink to do the pink thing. I ordered everything I needed—some of the props I used and the costumes—and it just sat for months. And I guess the idea evolved into making it more a villainess comic book theme over the months. Since I work alone usually things don’t always go as planned. With some ideas I just let it create itself.”
She followed that clip with a haunting video—shot in 4K—ahead of Halloween in October that she titled "Monster", taking on some dark themes in fearless fashion.
Doll says she recently invested in higher quality video equipment as she continues to hone her production skills.
“It’s going to take some time with the pandemic and what I’m going through, but I’d love to produce films with other sex workers and get more into filming other people and do some creative projects,” she says. “That would be amazing.”
Her work ethic has always been there—Doll has had a job since she was 14. She did data entry at a bank when she was 16 and later worked as a stripper before doing live camming. She debuted in adult in 2002 but didn't go full time until 2006. Now a perennial highly ranked creator on AVN Stars who graced the cover of the January 2020 issue of AVN magazine, Doll once again received nominations for Fan-Voted AVN Awards for Favorite Domme and Favorite Indie Clip Artist for the 2021 ceremony on January 23.
During her downtime this past summer, Doll says she enjoyed tending to her garden, where she grows tulips, daffodils, rose bushes as well as herbs such as oregano, sage, lavender and rosemary.
“When I first started gardening I had to quickly learn there is such a thing as too much love with plants—overwatering was a big problem,” Violet says. “... Lavender is probably my favorite because I love the smell."
Doll also enjoys cooking—a skill she learned on her own.
“I cook for my family a lot,” she says. “The people in my family are good cooks. I also just experiment myself. I’m always looking for new recipes. I’m excellent with baking. I found I seem to have a natural knack for that."
