After seven years and $2 million worth of research, the ingenious Swiss have come up with a scientifically-designed device for erotic stimulation.  Reminiscent of the days when vibes were used on Victorian women to treat hysteria, the Eroscillator is packaged more like a medical tool than like a sex toy.  The tasteful package features a celebrity endorsement and photograph of sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer, who has written a user's manual for the Eroscillator, aptly titled "A Primer on Self-Pleasuring."  manufactured in a tasteful copper metallic plastic, the all-business orgasm machine plugs into the wall with a generously long cord, includes four detachable heads, and could, at a glance, be mistaken for a Water Pik or electric toothbrush.  Turn the thing on and a quietly whirring motor oscillates the variously shaped heads at a breakneck speed of 3,600 RPM, which feels pretty durned good.  An accompanying videotape contains 11 minutes of testimonials from well-dressed, sexually satisfied women and couples, words of wisdom from Dr. Ruth, and vaguely instructional demonstrations of the tool performed by a tastefully candlelit couple on one another, as well as on peaches and flower petals.

With Dr. Ruth's blessing, this is the kind of sex toy - excuse me, stimulation device - you could buy for your mother.  Recommend to an older and/or sexually uptight crowd interested in a guilt-free (i.e., scientifically recommended) way to get into the marital aid market.  They'll definitely be back for more...