Imagine the turn Brian DePalma's Carrie would have taken if Sissy Spacek had told Tommy Ross she wouldn't go out with him until he got that ugly blond 'fro straightened, and shown up at the Prom with a pornchick with man-made "dirtypillows" instead.
Okay, Tabitha Stevens' promotional appearance on a San Francisco Bay Area radio station wasn't that exciting, but the events that lead her to almost becoming an 18-year-old listener's prom date were nearly as entertaining.
Originally, Stevens was slated for an on-air date with a listener of the "Lamont and Tonelli" morning show on 92 KSJO. She chose "Mike," an average schlub in his mid-30s, with a self-proclaimed "face for radio." Stevens, Mike, an entourage from All Good Video, and a few KSJO staffers piled into a limo, and ended up at a poolhall/volleyball court/bar called Players in nearby Belmont, a town which also boasts a fine private mental institution. They played some volleyball, gave away All Good buttons and T-shirts, and they partied.
Now, Mike was getting a little nervous. This was no housewife from Hillsdale on his arm, but a real El-Lay professional slut, who'd earlier been bragging about her super-special twisting-blowjob technique. So he had a drink to relax a bit. Then he had another. And another. Pretty soon, an extremely relaxed Mike was overheard in the bathroom, bragging about how he was going to get Stevens drunk and take her out to the limo.
And pretty soon, a still-sober Stevens was in that limo, trying her best to twist some chewability into Mike's sad, soggy length of pasta.
Poor Mike. In between cuts of Ozzy and Metallica the next morning, Lamont and Tonelli were having a fiesta with Mike's woodlessness (he called in to the show, claiming "stage fright and whiskey dick" - which sounds frighteningly like a Molly Hatchet song - as the problem). Stevens suggested they try the date again with "a younger guy." Someone mentioned that 18-year-olds are often still in high school. "That's totally turning me on," admitted Stevens. And the "Take a Pornstar to the Prom" gauntlet was thrown.
For the next couple of weeks, KSJO received over 100 submissions from boys about to graduate high school, some of them legit. They brought Stevens back for a drawing, she picked a name, and the date was set.
Only the kid who won wasn't exactly the captain of the football team, as it turns out. Seems he'd been in trouble before and was receiving special privileges from the school to graduate - which, he was informed, would summarily be revoked if he dared bring Stevens to their happy, wholesome event. Fuck. The Man always wins.
"We anticipated that [the date wouldn't happen]," says All Good big boy, Eli, undaunted. "So it turned out to be a little bit of a disappointment, but it was still a pretty impressive radio appearance. It became the publicity stunt that we wanted it to be."
Translation: "It's all good."
