We don't really know why we're writing about a subject as unimportant as this is to the adult industry. After all, there are no Muslims or persons of Middle Eastern descent working in XXX; adult industry members never make overseas phone calls, or if they do, they're never to people who might conceivably be on some "terrorist watch list" somewhere, and despite Concerned Women for America Chief Counsel Jan LaRue describing adult producers as "domestic terrorists" in 2003, certainly nobody in the U.S. government thinks of industry members that way – so why would anyone in the industry worry about whether his/her business or home phone were tapped; whether his/her computer had a keystroke logger installed; or whether his/her e-mail were being read or his/her bank accounts monitored by some nameless government drone at the National Security Agency?
NAH!
But just for "shits 'n' giggles," we thought we'd translate and add a laugh track to the salient portions of an article in today's New York Times. (Our "interpretations" and guffaws are in brackets. You can check out the full article here.
By David D. Kirkpatrick and Scott Shane
WASHINGTON, March 7 — Moving to tamp down [crush under the weight of the Republican majority] Democratic calls for an investigation of the administration's domestic eavesdropping [illegal spying] program, Republicans on the Senate Intelligence Committee said Tuesday that they had reached agreement with the White House on proposed bills to impose new oversight but allow wiretapping without warrants for up to 45 days.
[Gosh, it seems like just last month (2/7/06) that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was testifying (though not under oath at the insistence of Judiciary Committee chairman Arlen Specter) that, "Mr. Chairman, the terrorist surveillance program is lawful in all respects." – so why would the administration need to "reach[] agreement [to] allow wiretapping without warrants for up to 45 days"? It is a puzzlement! {chuckle}]
The agreement, hashed out in weeks of negotiations [dick-sucking] between Vice President Dick Cheney and Republicans critical of the program, dashes Democratic hopes [fucks Democrats in the ass] of starting a full committee investigation [which in any case would be headed by far-right Republicans in a committee dominated by far-right Republicans] because the proposal won the support of Senators Chuck Hagel of Nebraska and Olympia J. Snowe of Maine. The two, both Republicans, had threatened to support [pissed in their panties at the thought of incurring Karl Rove's wrath if they insisted upon] a fuller inquiry if the White House did not disclose more [or, really, anything] about the program to Congress.
"We are reasserting Congressional responsibility and oversight," Ms. Snowe said.
["We are dropping trou and pleading with Karl Rove, Gen. Michael Hayden or anyone with power in the executive branch to please fuck us (and the country) in our collective asses," Ms. Snowe might more truthfully have said.]
The proposed legislation would create a seven-member "terrorist surveillance ["domestic spying"] subcommittee" and require [ask, 'Pretty please"] the administration to give it full [or however much it wants to] access to the details of the program's operations [just like it's given other Senate subcommittees "full access" to every other detail of every other program's operations that rightfully should have been overseen].
Ms. Snowe said the panel would start work on Wednesday, and called it "the beginning, not the end of the process." ["The process" being Operation Stonewall/Cover-Up.]
"We have to get the facts in order to weigh in," she said. "We will do more [or, more accurately, something] if we learn there is more to do."
The agreement would reinforce [pretty much destroy] the authority of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, which was created in 1978 to issue special warrants for spying but was sidestepped [completely and illegally ignored] by the administration. The measure would require [unless they decided to "sidestep" that "requirement" as well] the administration to seek a warrant from the court whenever possible [i.e., whenever they feel like it].
If the administration elects not to do so after 45 days, the attorney general must certify [if he feels like it] that the surveillance is necessary to protect the country [from its own citizens] and explain [if he feels like it] to the subcommittee why the administration has not sought a warrant. The attorney general would be required [if he feels like it] to give an update to the subcommittee every 45 days [give or take three or four years].
Democrats called the deal an abdication of the special bipartisan committee's role as a watchdog [which would be difficult to do since "abdication" assumes that actual power has been asserted – ever! – in the first place], saying the Republicans had in effect [without any question whatsoever] blessed the program before learning how it worked or what it entailed [which assumes, of course, that they actually cared to find out].
"The committee is, to put it bluntly, basically [without any question whatsoever] under the control of the White House," said Senator John D. Rockefeller IV, the West Virginia Democrat who is vice chairman of the panel.
The House Intelligence Committee said last week that it would seek [ask, "Pretty please with sugar on top"] limited [elapsed time: 0-30 seconds] briefings for some [Republican and timid Democrat] panel members so that they could weigh changes to [take Karl Rove's orders as to how to gut the clear requirements of] the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, but the Republican leaders of the House committee stopped far short [in fact, spun their wheels in reverse] of proposing the kind of continuing oversight and rules changes that the Senate committee has settled [taken orders from Karl Rove] on. A spokeswoman for the White House, Dana Perino, called the Republican senators' proposal "a generally sound approach." [BWAH-HA-HA!]
"We're eager [getting hornier by the minute] to work with [fuck] Congress on legislation that would further codify [invent] the president's authority," Ms. Perino said. "We remain committed to our principle, that we will not do anything that undermines the program's capabilities or the president's authority [to do whatever the fuck he wants without ever being called to answer for his illegal actions in a court of law or an impeachment trial]."
Republicans on the committee, however, emphasized the administration's resistance to the accord [Bush didn't want to wear a condom]. Senator Pat Roberts, the Kansas Republican who is chairman of the Intelligence Committee and helped broker [swallow] the deal [jizz], called it "the agreement we insisted upon." ["Please, please, PLEASE fuck us in the ass, Mr. President!"]
Ms. Snowe said the proposal had met "considerable reluctance" [Rove didn't want to wear a condom either] from the White House in negotiations.
[snip]
The proposed bill [disguised executive order] would allow the president to authorize [illegal] wiretapping without seeking a [incredibly easily obtainable] warrant for up to 45 days [or longer, as long as nobody squeals to the press about it] if the communication under surveillance involved someone suspected of being a member of or a collaborator with a specified list of terrorist groups [ACLU, DNC, NARAL, NOW, FSC, etc.] and if at least one party to the conversation was outside the United States.
The administration has provided some information in confidential briefings to a "Gang of Eight" [subtle reference: see "Gang of Four" that briefly took over Communist China after Mao Tse-Tung's death] lawmakers made up of the Republican and Democratic leaders of the House and the Senate, as well as their respective Intelligence Committees. Republican sponsors of the proposal said the new subcommittees would greatly improve [completely gut] lawmakers' ability to obtain digest [woefully (and probably unlawfully) incomplete] information because the staffs for the first time would have access to it.
Senator Mike DeWine, the Ohio Republican who helped draft the proposal, said it would bring the program "into the normal [i.e., non-existent] oversight of the Senate intelligence committee."
But Senator Ron Wyden, Democrat of Oregon, compared the proposed bill [disguised executive order] to a doctor's diagnosis of an unexamined [life-running-out-like-a-ticking-time-bomb] patient.
"Congress doesn't have that great a [or, since 2000, any] history in reforming programs it knows a lot about," Mr. Wyden said. "Here Congress is trying to legislate [take orders] in the dark."
Senator Bill Frist, Republican of Tennessee, the majority leader, issued a statement supporting the proposal.
It is not clear whether all the Republican critics [who got Karl Rove's warning in early February that any legislators who opposed Bush on this would be completely shut out of White House access] will back the deal [ass-fucking]. Senator Arlen Specter, the Pennsylvania Republican who is chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, has said Congress should seek a court ruling on the legitimacy of the program [despite every unbiased legal scholar's expressed opinion that the taps are illegal] in addition to new oversight.
In a separate Senate committee hearing on Tuesday, Mr. Specter said, "We're having quite a time in getting ["We've been almost completely unable to get] responses to questions as to what has happened with the electronic surveillance program."
He said he put the administration "on notice" [made motions as if to pull up his pants] he might [but he didn't really mean it] seek to block its financing [hold up budget bills and be immediately excoriated on Fox "News" Channel and other right-wing outlets] if Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales did not give more information.
Mr. Specter said in statement later that he hoped for a solution that would avoid resorting to such an extreme action. ["My ass is tired. I can't take this any more. Stop! I'll do anything!"]
**
Yep, reading the newspaper can still be fun.
