Online sexology columnist Sandor Gardos was asked, “How do I increase the amount of my ejaculate? I’ve noticed that porn stars seem to ejaculate copious amounts of fluid, and I’d like to be able to wow my partner.” Gardos pointed out that “the actors in porn films are professionals. Even they often don’t ejaculate that much—sometimes moviemakers will supplement with synthetic semen shot from a small tube.” I’m just shocked to realize that somewhere in America that there’s a group of scientists manufacturing fake semen in a laboratory.
Meanwhile, ManNotIncluded.com has become the first cyberspace sperm bank for women who want to become pregnant sans penises. They are matched with anonymous donors who have the desired race, eye color, and stature, and given instructions on how to inseminate themselves. John Gonzalez, founder of ManNotIncluded, hopes this service will overcome the hurdles presented by bureaucrats and fertility clinics with prejudices against lesbian couples. “Lesbians hook up with gay men all the time, either friends or guys they’ve met through personal ads. We are now simply allowing them to do so safely and without discrimination.”
On the other hand, in the movie Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic, Silverman describes her surefire method for birth control: “coming all over her face.” Of course, that punch line is derived from the ever-popular image on Internet porn sites, where I always look for the small print with the warnings: “Do Not Try This Particular Money Shot at Home” and “This is Not Exactly What She Means When She Says She’d Like to Get a Facial for Her Birthday.”
Furthermore, in Chelsea, Mich., Book Crafters has refused to print Baboon Dooley, Rock Critic, a collection of John Crawford’s comic strip, because his protagonist accidentally drinks semen from a glass. He spits it out upon realization, only to be called a sexist, and challenged: “You’d expect a woman to drink it, right?” In another case, when author Hugh Prather was on CNN talking about couples, a caller revealed that “…when I cum in her mouth, she can’t really swallow it all.” The anchor quickly hung up.
Cartoonist Mary Lawton depicted a character saying, “I just found out that alfalfa sprouts smell like sperm. Does this mean I should practice safe salad?” But humorist Jacqueline Roeland says, “Sperm is basically tasteless. The truth should be out about this. Men seem to think that their white stuff is a culinary delight, yet I know of no culinary courses extolling the flavor of sperm. And if, as rumored, Jack-in-the-Box cooks occasionally spill their cum on an irritating customer’s hamburger, how many of us would be pleased with the added ingredient?
“Why can’t we find something that changes the flavor of cum? Then men could squirt red stuff that is raspberry flavored, or brown stuff that is chocolate flavored. Shy women could finally delight in swallowing their lovers’ cum. No sperm would ever be spit out again. There could be a pill to make cum taste like fast-food hamburgers. Maybe then we wouldn’t mind if we found out that the secret sauce on top of Jack-in-the-Box hamburgers is, after all, sperm?”
But let’s not forget those who don’t eat meat. They face an ethical dilemma: whether or not it’s an acceptable practice for a vegetarian to give head, and if so, is it OK to swallow? The general consensus is that, yes, it’s definitely OK to give a blow job because no animal is harmed in the process. And, yes, it’s also OK to ingest the sperm because it’s a good source of protein, something that’s often lacking when meat is removed from the diet.
Finally – and this could possibly be an urban legend – in a biology class at Harvard University, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen, which give the sperm all that energy for their journey. A female freshman asked, “If I understand you correctly, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?” “That’s correct,” replied the professor. “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?” the student then asked. “It doesn’t taste sweet,” he began (the student blushed as she realized what her question implied, picked up her books, and headed for the door), “because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day.”
