Jesus Christ on a pogo stick – we've heard some lame ad-libbed scenarios before, but the lengths these "love thy neighbors" go to keep local relations congenial are truly witless. When Lisa Ann stands around arguing with Billy Glide about who's taking whose parking spot, the universe itself seems to screech to a halt for five unbearable minutes. (Even if the subsequent 15 minutes of paint-by-numbers sex was arousing, the universe would still be running five minutes short.)

Thoughts of cosmic entropy disappear when Alexis Silver's at the wheel. Her kitchen-table clutch with Mr. Uncredited is hardly one for the horny history books, but at least she appears satisfactorily serviced.

Retailing: Silver's huge natural tits oughtta interest the boob brigade.