Oh, Farrah Abraham … where do we begin with you? The most fitting place, we think, would be right at the beginning, so here it goes: Anybody who became familiar with this modern-day poster child for irresponsibility via her debut to the world on MTV’s 16 and Pregnant knows that if there are two defining traits of her being, they are an eyeball-clawing vapidness and a blood-boiling obliviousness to the concept of repercussions.

In other words, she’s had “future porn star” written all over her since day one. Yours truly even joked during that show’s run that it should have been called Two Years to Porno. So it took an extra two years.

As if it wasn’t morbidly titillating enough to see that sardonic prediction actually come to fruition, the spectacle of shamelessness that is Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom has been accompanied by its own media side circus that makes the actual contents of the video all the more outlandishly transfixing.

Let us review: Abraham first painfully attempted to feign having no knowledge of the movie’s existence, while on the very same day conveniently showing up in photos walking hand-in-hand with James Deen into the Vivid building. Then James Deen told the media he had been hired to shoot a movie with her. Then she told the media she had hired James Deen to shoot a movie with her for her own “private use,” and that she had specifically chosen the world’s second most famous male porn star (after Ron Jeremy) for the private project because she figured that would be the most surefire way to “protect me and my privacy.” Before you could say “vacuum of logic,” the thing was on its way to market under the Vivid Celeb banner, and Abraham was booked on a nationwide tour to promote it, including an appearance at Exxxotica Ft. Lauderdale alongside actual porn stars who make no pretentions about the porn in which they star being anything else. And all the while, never has Abraham wavered from the claim that her porn movie was originally intended for no one’s eyes but her own.

So then, with all of that in mind, one cannot help but ponder any number of questions while viewing Backdoor Teen Mom, including but not limited to:

• Why does Abraham keep calling Deen “boyfriend”? If she’s the only one who’s supposed to be watching this, shouldn’t she of all people be acutely aware that James Deen is not and never has been her boyfriend? Is that just what she calls whoever she happens to be fucking at any given time? 

• Why do they not use a condom? Granted, Deen made sure to inform the press that he and Abraham got tested together prior to shooting this, but if it truly was not meant for commercial release, what are the odds that either of them would opt to go condom-free with each other, tested or no? (Notwithstanding that it was Abraham’s opting to go condom-free which landed her in the public eye to begin with.)

• If we are to accept that Abraham hired Deen to have sex with her privately, and for nobody but herself to see, has she not by saying so on national television openly confessed before all the world to committing solicitation? And is that in fact preferable to simply admitting, “Yeah, I agreed to make a porno”?

OK. Now forget everything above. Because in the end, none of it matters. All that really does is that Farrah Abraham is a porn natural. She’s hot. She’s got a killer bod. And she fucks like a consummate pro. Yes, she takes it up the ass … eagerly and extendedly. And she talks as dirty as a pirate hooker. And she squirts. And she giddily submits to a facial cum blast. Later, she fucks herself in the backseat of a limo with a glass dildo, occasionally sliding her own finger into her ass for added zest, with Deen egging her on from behind the camera, at one point reaching out to give her a helping hand.

The bottom line is, this is one spectacular “celebrity sex tape.” Maybe the best we’ve ever seen. And that's due at least in some part to the ineffable satisfaction of seeing a girl like Farrah Abraham for once completely abandon all guise of inhibition and literally lay bare her true, utterly degenerate self. So suspend your disbelief, break out the tissues and baby oil, and let the Teen Mom good times roll. You will not be disappointed.