According to its press release and boxcover blurb, Cabin Fever is an "erotic masterpiece" that "women have been waiting a long, long time for." I hate to burst Ms. Shames' bubble, but we're still waiting. Granted, the production values are top-notch, but erotic it isn't.

Belinda Farrell plays a reclusive painter and older woman to Judd Dunning's handyman hunk -- who listens to classical music as he works shirtless in the yard. (Beethoven on a boombox must be the modern equivalent of a minstrel serenade.) Ms. Farrell's character is alternately infantile and terse, neither of which endears her to the viewer. The "twist" on Mr. Dunning's character is that he's sensitive. When Ms. "Artiste" catches cold, he makes her chicken soup and runs a bath for her. All together now, say "Ahhh, isn't that sweet?"

More than half of the feature is over before these two ever exchange a kiss. By then, my interest was seriously waning and died altogether when these finally get down to business. I've seen more erotic softcore clinches on daytime television -- and damn near as much skin! Comes the capper: the phone rings right in the middle of their love-making. While I'm sure most of us have experienced this annoying phenomenon. I've got to be honest: if I'm in bed with a gorgeous guy, the last thing I'm going to do is jump up and answer the fucking phone! Ah, but this is the movies. Ever hear of an answering machine, lady?

Ms. Shames claims to be attracting an "enormous market turned off by pornography", and after viewing this alleged $125,000 investment I'd have to agree with her on at least one point: the people who would enjoy this video are indeed turned off. They're either so incredibly sexually naive, or they're among the repressed who include the Sears catalog in their definition of pornography. If Ms. Shames is correct in her assertion that Cabin Fever is the kind of erotica "women really want", then I'm changing genders, because it certainly isn't what I want.

(Ed. Note: For comparison purposes, check out Love Scenes, Volumes 1 & 2 which have won AVN's Best Softcore title two years in a row. These tapes have also been designed for the women's market).