Well, ladies and gentlemen, here it is! The inevitable (and only) new Traci Lords video.

Traci Lords? Q'est que ce?

"Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa. Better run, run, run, run, run, run, run away...."

Wait a minute. Wrong song. Don't run away. This is going to be the biggest selling adult tape of the year. If Traci Lords were posturing into the camera for 80 minutes, it would be the biggest tape of the year. And, yes, she does a lot of posturing into the camera.

Now on first glance, it looks like the Traci Lords Company spent more on the flight to Paris than on the actual budget of the feature. But the sex is hot, well-shot, nicely paced and with plenty of Traci-like tease. And she's in many explicit sex scenes, especially in a very long segment in a "theatre" that starts with our heroine taking on four hunks orally at once, with voice over lines such as "I was drunk on cock." She eventually gets into a very steamy lesbo liaison with a statuesque French blonde named Monique that will make you pant.

Now Traci's voice over (it's not Traci's voice anyway) is shared by Maurice Chevalier, reprising his role from Gigi. Well, not really. And the voice over dialog is dumb. But when Monique uses her mouth to shove a black dildo into Traci, it seems like old times. That's another song altogether.

Endless shots of Traci strolling the streets of Paris are intercut with plain indoor scenes where the non-story takes place. But we get lots of eroticism with the now over-18 Lords and a bunch of fresh French faces who perform everything from anal to three-way. (Yes the French do Greek.)

As for the rating, we give AAAA for the way Traci looks, all pretty and pert and pouting and post-pubescent (thankfully). The sex gets AAA and the story gets A. But most people won't care. If you are a consumer and you love Traci, have no fear. You'll be more than satisfied. Retailers should stock up on a tape that will have the same curiosity value as Deep Throat once did (and still does).

And let's face it. Traci Lords was a big hit then and a year later, with all the press heaped on her now-legendary dupe of an industry, she'll be a bigger hit.

As they say before Traci, I Love You's climactic orgy scene, enter "the arena of pleasure." And as I say, taste the forbidden fruit. It's always better when you get what you can't have.

Adieu.