The worst of Private's scenarios are as lame as their American counterparts, but precious few series on the market deliver exactly what their audience desires — has even come to expect; perhaps demand — with the same thorough consistency.

Unlike the same old Yankee faces that are trotted out for their dog & pony show month after month, Private viewers are treated to new, luscious Euro-sluts and jizmatic studs delivering the hottest hardcore from foreign cunt-ries. That's the bottom line for the consumer, and that's the ratings booster. Not a sphincter is left unplugged, nary a face unfrosted. Filthy! Smutty! You're spoiling us Americans, Private — and we love it!

Aside from a moderate lesbian dildofest, and a pizza girl delivery (in the rear of a suck-ulent black babe and her freckled partner, with sloppy facial finishes) you'll find two outstanding sequences. Having at one time been manager of a video store, I felt both a nostalgic pang and a stirring wang for "Sex Shop", a scenario wherein two male customers get it on in the adult section with a nasty redhead — who receives a vigorous stand-up screwing; fine anal/d.p. action and dual drenching blowjobs amidst the smut vids. Please be kind — rewind!

Then... 'Twas the night before triple X-Mas, and stirring in the house was a Santa Claus Gang Bang! Four horny St. Nicks (in full costume, no less!) bestow a gonad gift upon a cute jeunesse, spreading her young French/Asian cheeks wide for a dual stocking stuffer. "The little trollop's hot as hell! What a fine ass!" croons a slimy St. Nick, spewing Christmas cheer in her mouth. "Happy New Year, bitch! " And to all a good night.