If the "typical" adult feature could be reduced to a single description, it might read: "reams of inane dialogue drop from the mouths of flesh mannequins like disgorged chunks of plaster until the requisite sex scenes occur - with all the personal chemistry of a sump pump working overtime in a drainage ditch."

And that, friends, pretty much sums up NH9. Except, perhaps, for the fact that Asia Carrera always provides exceptional eye candy... even while running on two bored cylinders as Randy Spears nails her for the 99th time this business quarter. We hasten to add that Keri Windsor sucks a mean cock nearly as well as she mangles the English language, contorting with St. Croix in the only scene generating real heat.

To be fair, the cookie-cutter script (ostensibly patterned on HBO's Sex and the City) doesn't offer the performers much raw material to work with. At the very least, NH9 holds the distinction of being the only adult feature in recent memory containing fuck scenes shot in an authentic bowling alley. Game over.