You know the Mile High Club. Ever hear of the Mile Long Club? Pretty much the same thing, but on trains. Sad sack Joel Lawrence is all ears as stud roomie Nick East tells him that there's a train leaving Union Station with a girl from the club looking for a tryst and he should be on it - and her - tonight.

Naturally, on the train, Lawrence winds up meeting the wrong girl, Tara, who is being menaced by bad guys Steve Austin and Cash Markman (hey, if you're gonna, uh, adapt Hitchcock's The Lady Vanishes, might as well go the whole way and do a director's cameo as well) and she cheerfully follows him to his compartment. After he looks in her tote and finds a bunch of sex toys, he pulls a sex toy of his own out of his pants and they use it.

After that, he goes to the club car and sees his intended rendezvous - Mike Horner in drag - he freaks out and runs back to the compartment, where Tara is nowhere to be found and Anna Malle is in her place instead. He freaks out more and gets the conductor (Mike Horner, not in drag) to get her the hell out of there. Horner takes her to an abandoned dining car... and what would you do in an abandoned dining car with Anna Malle?

Lawrence interrupts his freakout long enough to call East and ask him what the hell is going on here, and East tells him that the Mile Long Club is heavy on role-playing, so roll with it. When he finds Tara tied up and ready to be killed by Austin and Markman, he is emboldened enough to overpower them and rescue her. She is so grateful that she takes him to meet her lover, adult-toy manufacturer "Mr. Big" - Linda Diego - and he gets to watch them celebrate their reunion.

The stage is set very quickly here when Markman recreates the last shot of North by Northwest as his opening shot. But Hitchcock never had the train go in and out of the tunnel with the sounds of a woman moaning over it. (Do not revise this next sentence. I just recovered it from the last revision. - T.H.) There are also some amusing bits with Horner in drag, and Austin and Markman as the hit men. The sex is easily dispensable, and the whole video has "cable-friendly" written all over it, but if your adult renters dig plots and stories, this tape should top your Buy list.