NEW YORK CITY—Adult retail chain Babeland, taking its cue from public discussions about non-monogamy in popular culture, has surveyed its customer base to ask them about their feelings, desires and experiences with and about open relationships. 1,471 respondents participated in the survey, conducted online during the month of August 2020.
The survey first asked the participants to describe their current relationship. The responses showed that more than 16 percent were single but wanted to date. 2.31 percent had no interest in relationships. 5.3 percent were dating more than one person but were not in a relationship; almost 4 percent were dating just one person, but did not define it as a relationship. Just over 46 percent were in a monogamous relationship, while about 22 percent were in a non-monogamous one. About 4.2 percent did not feel these choices described their situation, many stating that they were poly, married, “monogamish” (Dan Savage’s term for mostly monogamous but flexible enough to contain some occasional play with others), or monogamous but desiring to open their relationship. Others mentioned that they were divorced or widowed. “In a semi monogamous relationship where we occasionally add others to our bed,” said one. “Single, exclusively sexual with a married person. Married person’s lover,” said another. “In a supposedly monogamous relationship but my husband is pursuing other women,” shared a third. And one asked, “Does having a 3-way with my wife and her best friend count?”
The survey asked whether respondents had ever been in a non-monogamous relationship; over 23 percent had, 50.4 percent said no, and 26.48 percet said “Eh ... sort of.” Plenty of respondents were not interested (or no longer interested) in non-monogamy, so the survey asked what deters them? “It wasn’t for me,” said 8.91 percent who had experienced non-monogamy. 42.79 percent are monogamous now and do not want to change. 27.23 percent felt they didn’t have the time for more than one partner. 52.19 percent cited “fear of physical/emotional vulnerability.” 7.78 percent cited religious or cultural restrictions, and 16.69 percent were afraid of friends and family judging them. For almost 27 percent it was nothing specific, it just wasn’t their preferred relationship style, while over 11 percent had other reasons or wished to comment: Several cited STIs or COVID-19. “Fear of damaging relationship and fear of STD's,” one said; “Given the current climate and pandemic, [I] want to take extra precautions around my health and safety,” said another. “My non-monogamous relationships were really wonderful! I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth right now for multiple partners I really care about,” said a third.
Regarding respondents’ demographics, almost 11 percent were over 18 and under 25. Almost 31 percent were 25-34. 27.77 percent were 35-44, 28.13 percent were 45-54, almost 9 percent were 55-64, and 4.12 percent were over 65.
With the option to choose multiple checkboxes, 52.85 percent identified as cis female and 33.99 percent as cis male, while 1.19 percent stated they were trans women, 2.14 percent were trans men, 1.27 percent were agender, and a combined 18 percent (approximately) identified as nonbinary, gender non-conforming, genderqueer or genderfluid. Also noted: undecided, human, intersex and “just me.”
Babeland's conclusion from the survey results is that non-monogamy is alive—in a mindful and careful form for many, but hard or uninteresting for others to navigate.
In short, as in other things having to do with sexuality, people are diverse in their desires and experiences.
