Autoblow’s Balls Paper Shows Voters Find All Scrotums Equally Unattractive

CHICAGO—Six months after publishing a scientific paper analyzing the results of his worldwide Vaginal Beauty Contest, Autoblow 2 inventor Brian Sloan has released The Balls Paper, shedding light onto a previously unstudied topic. The Autoblow Balls Beauty Contest fielded more than 1,000 entries from 35 countries giving an anonymous PhD statistician plenty of data to work with.

Whereas the Vulva Paper’s analysis of the Vagina Contest’s data found clear vulva style preferences that held true across most of the world, the Balls Paper found the voting public gave nearly all scrotums low and similar scores, regardless of scrotal appearance. Sloan still intends on keeping his end of the bargain, awarding $10,000 of prize money and having the Top 3 rated scrotums 3D scanned and turned into items of home décor. The marketability of those items though, is now seriously in question. 

The statistician hired to evaluate the data found there were six distinct scrotal styles based on how empty or full the scrotum appeared, the ratio of its width and height, and how similar the testicles were to one another. Unexpected facts emerged during the data analysis including Hungarians rating their own countries scrotums five times higher than other country’s scrotums, intense Taiwanese participation and scrotums were rated higher on weekends and lower on Mondays.

The three winners, two Americans and one Australian with unusually large scrotums, ranked significantly higher than their competitors, averaging approximately 6 out of 10 stars compared with all entrants who averaged only 3.4 out 10.

“I am saddened that the data showed no statistically significant preferred class of scrotum,” Sloan said. “Given the scrotum’s important biological function of holding and protecting the life-giving testicles, I figured the public saw beauty in it, but never discussed it, preferring perhaps to talk about the penis instead. Now I know why the scrotum has always lived in the shadows: because people think it’s ugly.”

 Sloan will receive the 3D scans of the winner’s scrotums over the next month, and will then begin production of a set of scrotum-themed book-ends and paperweights.

Read the results of the contest and data analysis at