XRCO Awards Not Stolen - The Show Goes On Anyway

Rated Critics Organization gives out both heart-shaped awards and inestimable pearls of wisdom from historian Jim Holliday. This year's show, dubbed "Sweet 16" because the organization is celebrating it 16th anniversary, also dished out a few surprises. In fact the buzz, Thursday night, was just how unpredictable the predictability of the XRCO Awards actually is.

The XRCO show is one of those eclectic, cultural events where you can roll out of the emergency ward and feel comfortably dressed. And, in fact, Jonathan Morgan was almost ready for the ER after the announcement of the Best Video award. The Awakening from Vivid Films was the winner in the Best Film category, and, Torn, featuring the much ballyhooed Ginger Lynn comeback, won for Best Video. Torn's award prompted a frustrated Morgan to kick field goals with any available chair in sight. Morgan's Double Feature was also up for Best Video, and the Vegas morning line appeared to have all but conceded his victory. But stranger things happen, and Morgan was later seen at the bar downing Goldenschwagers and resultant credit card receipts with the consistency of a thirsty cowpoke in a John Ford western - Peter North playing Gabby Hayes to Morgan's John Wayne in a bond of commiseration.

Bobby Vitale, who, reportedly was in North Carolina, won Male Performer of the Year, while Inari Vachs, who was also MIA, won Female Performer of the Year.

Best Acceptance speech of the night had to go to Jewel De'Nyle who also took Starlet of the Year honors. Forever to be cast in the Portland Cement of immortality speeches, much like Sally Field's classic 'you love me, you really love me,' riff, De'Nyle candidly admitted what a "pain in the ass" she is and thanked New Sensations' Scott Taylor for "putting up" with her "bullshit" for two years. [And, speaking of bodily functions, a certain video photographer swears on his mother's grave that he got intimate footage Thursday night of a certain female award winner deploying a guy's mouth for a latrine.]

Urine specimens and a truly lousy sound system aside, Holliday, XRCO's resident Yoda, took the mike and introduced Jenna Jameson as master of ceremonies, for the second year-running along with Tera Patrick as this year's Heart-On girl. Van Damage and a much blonder Tiffany Mynx [who wasn't wearing panties, by the way] were presenters of the evening's first three awards. The winner in the "Orgasmic Oralist" category was Bobbi Bliss. Bliss, whose competition was Anastasia Blue, Alexandra Nice, Obsession and Inari Vachs, put Holliday at the top of her short thank-you list which also included Jill Kelly, Daisy Chain and Sydnee Steele.

Ian Daniels was the winner in the category of "Unsung Swordsman." Though Daniels wasn't there to accept [he showed up later in the evening], Randy Spears, on Daniels' behalf, readily sung his praises. Daniels beat out a field of Mark Anthony, J.J. Michaels, Kyle Stone and Brian Surewood.

On behalf of the "Best Group Scene," John Stagliano accepted the award for the "Final Orgy" which occurs in Tristan Taormino's Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex, put out by Stagliano's company, Evil Angel. Nina Hartlley and Chloe who were also in the scene, came on stage to co-accept.

Hatman Jeff Marton and Bionca presented the next set of awards which saw Evan Stone winning in the "Best New Stud" category. Among his list of thank-ees, Stone rated Jessica Drake as his number one supporter and also acknowledged Holliday, Michael Raven and Sydnee Steele. The "Best Girl-Girl Scene" went to the one featuring Ginger Lynn and Chloe in Torn. Although Lynn wasn't there to accept the award, Chloe said she was honored to get the second lead in the feature.

In the Best Amateur or Pro-Am Series category, Bill Whitrock accepted on behalf of his Real Sex Magazine series and thanked all the girls who decided to take a chance with his concept.

Renee LaRue and Daisy Chain then presented "The Unsung Siren" to Sydnee Steele with Nina Hartley accepting on Steele's behalf. Steele, who's currently on location shooting A Midsummer Night's Cream for Adam & Eve, beat out a field that included Dee, Sabrina Johnson, Alexandra Silk and Tabitha Stevens. Repeating his win at the AVN Awards show, Randy Spears won the Best Actor award for his very funny stint in Double Feature, and, as he was at the AVN show, Spears was profusely thankful to Morgan.

The Best Anal or D.P. Award went to When Rocco Meats Kelly 2, a scene that featured Kelly, Alba de Monte, Nacho Vidal and Rocco Siffredi. Accepting on Rocco's behalf, John Stagliano said that Rocco was pretty incredible and was one of the most interesting and innovative performers in the business.

Julia Ann and Devin Wolf next presented the Best Actress Award to Inari Vachs who was nominated for her turn in Vivid Film's The Awakening. Taylor Hayes and Tiffany Enright accepted on Vach's behalf. The Best Gonzo Series next went to Joey Silvera's Please, and Stagliano, making another podium appearance, described Silvera as "this interesting, weird guy" who's always thinking about weird things and bothering Stagliano with late night phone calls to discuss them. The Best Male-Female Scene went to Nothing to Hide 3 & 4 which featured Gwen Summers and Julian. Company exec Harry Weiss accepted on behalf of Cal Vista/Metro.

During the Hall of Fame portion of the show, one in which Holliday, annually, gets to flex his oratorical muscle, Holliday noted that only one filmmaker a year is inducted. He proceeded to lionize the accomplishments of this year's absentee inductee, Damon Christian, author of such cult fare as Beach Blanket Bango and High School Fantasies. Unfortunately, by this time of the evening, much of Holliday's fortune cookie wisdom was lost in the void of cacophony. However, one could still translate the fact that Holliday was describing the next inductee, Sean Michaels, as "the living embodiment of suave, dapper and cool" and proceeded to paint a weird-ass picture of Michaels gardening, yet somehow maintaining a GQ persona. Delivering what came perilously close to a Barry White impersonation, Michaels got real close to the mike and, in one of those AM disc jockey whispers, said it was a "wonderful ride."

Riding high on the celebration of his incredible penchant for minutiae, Holliday, with a fanfare that's usually reserved for visiting foreign dignitaries, proceeded to introduce Tori Welles, noting, several times, that Welles only did 50 features in her whole career. "Gee whiz, some girl from Montana got off the bus last week and did 50 projects for Regan Senter," Holliday added. For what it was worth, Holliday said the last time he bumped into Welles was at a Lucky's at Victory and Fallbrook in the early AM where she was buying Pampers and he was buying booze for one of his creativity sessions. Humorously enough, Welles would later comment at her table that she was having a "real bad day" a couple of years ago, was trying to light a fire and used three XRCO hearts for kindling.

Holliday went on to say that the next Hall of Fame inductee was equally "misunderstood" by both the adult and mainstream press. Holliday then illustrated two instances of T.T. Boy's surreal sexual accomplishments, one in Car Wash Angels where he took on seven girls and did four pop shots; another in a Sex Kittens feature where T.T. took on 14 girls and produced five wet ones. Holliday said that T.T. was simply the best woodsman in the business. Again, it was one of those unfortunate instances where sound triumphed over substance. Far from manifesting a psychotic binge, T.T. delivered a very heartfelt and modest acceptance speech that strained to be heard, all amid rumors that he was going to retire, having resurrected a relationship with a girl that he met years ago.

Adam Film World's Jeremy Stone was next at the podium to present, along with several of the Wicked contract girls, including Stephanie Swift, Alexa Rae, Temptress and Meridian, the Worst Movie of the Year Award. Kid Vegas came awfully close, but not quite duplicated Morgan's fete, when Johnny Toxic's name was announced for The Vomitorium. In accepting, Toxic said he never thought he could make a movie worse than Kid Vegas.

It took upchuck to do it, and Stone was later heard to critically analyze The Vomitorium as "a very two-dimensional film." True, vomit must be appreciated in all four dimensions.

As a side note, Vegas, having now dyed his hair, this time, black [he said the carrot top story on this site goaded him into it] all but vanished from view, taking his entourage with him, after Toxic's name was called.

Randy West and Kim Chambers then came on to present the Male Performer of the Year Award to Bobby Vitale and Inari Vachs for Female Performer. Taylor Hayes and Tiffany Enright accepted for Vachs, and they could just as well have remained on stage since the next winner was Paul Thomas in the Director of the Year category, for whom they also accepted. All of which set the stage for Jewel De'Nyle's award for Starlet of the Year. "I'm not the easiest person to get along with," De'Nyle conceded, and, besides, New Sensations' Scott Taylor, thanked director Nic Andrews, Peter North, Serenity and Jonathan Morgan.

Kylie Ireland accepted the Best Video award on behalf of Torn from presenters Serenity and Juli Ashton, while the comedy team of Hayes and Enright set a new XRCO record for most surrogate acceptance speeches by acknowledging the Best Film Award on behalf of Vivid.

After the show, director Bud Lee was mosied up at the bar when Tony Tedeschi came over to say hello. Lee did a double-take because Tedeschi's locks were clipped short in the style Tedeschi wore when he first came into the business. Lee, himself of the Rapunzel locks, asked Tedeschi, almost aghast, what prompted something like this. Tedeschi said he had to do it for a Jim Enrght movie.

"I don't think it was worth it, son," said Lee.

Comment most heard - about director Fred Lincoln's Eric Clapton look. Lincoln, who gave Grandma Moses competition in the silvery mane department, now looks about 25 years younger with the dye job Kid Vegas should have had - this, as opposed to Shawn Ricks who was hobbling on a cane like Father Time. The story, as it was being relayed, was that Ricks, while attempting to fetch a football for a little kid, somehow broke his heel in the process.

None of which truly equates to the bizarre conflict between Scotty Schwartz and Max Hardcore that has now escalated into Schwartz, apparently feeling his leprechaun oats, challenging Max to a hardcore match, and Max accepting!

Schwartz: "It's now official. I just challenged Max Hardcore to extreme wrestling, no-holds barred. He accepted. Harry Weiss from Metro was standing right there when I challenged him. He said he would be there. His ass belongs to me. His ass is mine."

Tom Byron who was witness to the madness, said that Rob Black would set up the match.