Rob Rotten: Curse the Beasts and the Children

Sun Valley, California is the land time forgot. Once off the 5 Freeway, the traveler finds himself transported back to a Twilight Zone world that looks remarkably like 1962. It's here where porn auteur Rob Rotten has chosen to shoot his epic comeback movie for Metro, Swallow My Children.

Up a dusty driveway with signs warning those who venture there to "Watch for Rattlesnakes!" the reporter wonders if he's found the right location. After some uphill hiking, he sees a large trampoline set up in a side yard upon which a fleshy, naked gal is performing oral sex on some hapless stud.

Yep. This must be the place.

The house itself is a sprawling, ramshackle affair and Rotten greets visitors to his set with cold beers and hot pizza.

He gives an overview of the movie while shooting two scenes simultaneously. "It's a 15-scene all blowjob movie," explains Rotten. "It's hilarious. Everything's spontaneous and improvised. The only thing I have for this movie is an approved budget by Metro. That's how I roll with most of my movies."

But production manager Johnny Thrust is starting to show signs of cracking under the stress. Rotten will later relate how Thrust experienced some sort of breakdown much like that of the character Kurtz in Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness

"Some of the girls are getting booked as we speak," explains Rotten, who manages to maintain his own sense of calm. 

The only way to rattle Rob Rotten, I'm guessing, is to threaten him with an industrial-sized magnet.

"It's like a ball," Rotten says of his production. "Once it starts rolling, it doesn't stop. So far we've done 5 scenes out of 10 today, so we're half done and right on schedule...well, actually, we're about two hours ahead of schedule."

Of course, the extra time is going to shooting comical setups to the scenes themselves. Rotten explains, "We're having a lot of fun shooting the skits. That's my favorite part. Even though this is just a blowjob movie and even though most people would shoot all the blowjobs in one day, I'd rather take two days and make it real funny and put some time and care into it."

And while the various scenes are being shot, the owner of the location is advising several wide--eyed new starlets that if they like to travel, "China is the place to go. The American dollar is strong there."

One of the  girls pipes up with all the confidence and wisdom of her 18 years on planet earth and volunteers, "I've been to China."

"Really?" asks the owner. "Where were you?"

"Japan," she says.

Meanwhile, Rotten's setting up for another blowjob exchange, this time involving himself with Kaylee Love Cox. All I know is that if you worked a circus chimp this hard, you'd be going to jail.

A few days later, Metro exec Christian Mann sends a missive regarding the shoot. It reads, "First, I want to apologize to anyone who may be offended by the title of Rob Rotten's new movie. I want to state unequivocally that absolutely no people were actually swallowed during the production of this movie. True, several million sperm-cells were indeed ingested as they passed through the gullets of several attractive and thirsty—or is it hungry?—ladies. The protein-craving lasses may have used their considerable fellatio skills to lure the little buggers out of the pulsing shafts of the would-be fathers, but it should be noted that absent contact with a fertile ovary, the swimmers cannot technically be considered people and as such, Rob cannot be charged with murder. In fact, Mr. Rotten should be applauded for his contribution to the cause of birth control in an over-populated world. I have no additional comment at this time."

Spoken like a true businessman, indeed.

Swallow My Children will star, among many: Sasha Grey, Daisy Tanks, Britney Stevens, Whitney Stevens, Fayth Deluca, August West, Chavon Taylor, Heather Gables, Marsha Lord, Allison Pierce, Brandi Lyons, Mercedez Santos, Leighiani Red, Roxy DeVille, Laurie Vargas and Jocelyn Jayden.

Rob Rotten is online at

For sales, contact Christian Mann at [email protected]