James Deen's Brush With (DHS) Greatness

CHATSWORTH, Calif.—Friday night, AVN just happened to be covering the latest shoot by director Harry Sparks for AMKingdom, Revenge of the Petites, when we bumped into veteran actor James Deen, who plays one of the school teachers in the movie—and Deen just happened to mention that he had an interesting story to tell us.

"Earlier this morning, I was at my house, and my doorbell rings," Deen began. "So I go to answer the door, and there's these two dudes, dressed up, one in a button-down shirt, long shirt, and the other one was in slacks and a polo, which went down a little below their waist."

"Anyway, I shoot porn," he continued, "and I don't always shoot with a permit, so I'm used to, when there's people on the outside of the gate, you just wait until they show a warrant or they leave.

"So they like show their badges and they're like, 'Secret Service. We're here to talk to you about bla-bla-bla.' And I'm like, "Wait a minute, wait, wait,' because I'm thinking it's a joke: 'Secret Service, yeah; fuck off,' you know. And they show me their badges, and it's like DHS—'Department of Homeland Security—Secret Service.' And I'm like, 'All right; let me see some cards.' And so—because all cops have cards. So they give me their cards, and I'm looking at them, and okay; they've got cards. So I'm, 'Let me see your badges again,' and they show me their badges, and I'm like—I've never seen a fucking Secret Service badge; I don't know what it fucking looks like, but I'm staring at it and it looks legit, you know.

"So these two dudes are standing there with their fucking Secret Service badges and I have their cards and stuff, so I'm like, 'All right; cool! What's up, guys?' So they open up a dossier—they've got like a fucking dossier and they open it up and they show me the picture and they go, 'Do you know this guy?' And I go, 'Yeah; that's the dude that I bought the house from.' And they're like, 'Oh, yeah? We've got some counterfeiting charges against him,' and apparently, the dude I bought the house from has some counterfeiting charges and all sorts of weird—and he's wanted by Homeland Security!

"And so they tracked him down, and they were looking for like an address or paperwork or anything that could help them with their investigation. So I'm standing there and talking to them, and finally I realize, 'Holy shit; they're no threat to me, and I should be polite to Homeland fucking Security,' so I opened the gate, and I'm like, 'Here; c'mon inside; c'mon inside,' and you know, I invite them in.

"They come in, and as they're coming in, like one of them like reaches his arm up, and I see that under their shirts they have guns and badges and all sorts of shit there; they just were concealing it because they wanted to look normal. So I'm like, 'All right; these dudes are real-deal shit, you know, and they're Homeland Security that I'm welcoming into my house.'

"So I have Homeland Security in my house, and we're sitting there and talking and stuff, and we get into the house and there's some porn and some stuff like that around my house; you know, I shoot porn and there's porn and porn-related things around, and one of them goes, 'Hey, are you that guy, that porn guy?' And I'm like, 'Yeah,' and he goes 'I thought so! Okay!' And we continued our little talk and stuff, they just were interested in the guy that I bought the house from, who apparently—I bought it on a short sale; apparently he was going bankrupt; he had these counterfeiting charges—whatever happened, shit happened and so yeah, Homeland Security was at my house this morning. I spent a couple of hours with them, talked to them a while and one of them recognized me."

And did he give them any parting gifts; a DVD or two?

"No, no, no!" Deen exclaimed. "I like was tempted to like bro down with them and be buddy-buddy, but I also don't want to ever be on their radar. I don't want them to ever think about me. I don't want anything to do with Homeland Security anywhere, ever. They're Secret Service! Who the fuck talks to Secret Service? And then, later, I fucked Sarah Shevon, so that was cool!"

(Pictured: The one, the only James Deen)