When the Douglas Fairbanks-starring film Robin Hood premiered at the Egyptian Theater in 1922 — the first movie to grace that grand, virgin screen — the night was nothing less than a tremendous spectacle. A full orchestra serenaded guests. Charlie Chaplin and Cecil B. De Mille spoke of the movie palace’s opulence. Thousands came to gawk, to experience, to worship.
Yet what was seen that night in the heart of Hollywood paled in comparison to the glorious debut of Digital Playground and Adam & Eve’s Digital Playground production of the Joone-directed Pirates, nothing less than a cinematic porno tour de force. Mixing adult fare with elaborate costumes, exotic locales, stabs at acting and an actual story line is treacherous territory indeed for a triple X attempt, yet Pirates pulled it off with nary a hitch.
The 40-by-60-foot screen reflected balls the size of church bells, fleshy mountains of duskily be-nippled tits, yawning, succulent vaginas plumbed savagely by massive, muscular tongues both male and female alike. Rarely, in this day and age, is one allowed to witness such debauchery on such an indulgent scale. Beyond those delicacies, there were formidable acting chops on display, ranging from soap opera drama to Russ Meyer irony to, well, people that can act.
But let’s back up. Prior to the screening, the stars arrived onto the red carpet in classic Hollywood style, emerging from stretch limos, wading into an onslaught of photographers, journalists and fans. Among them: Pirates stars Janine, Jesse Jane, Carmen Luvana, Tommy Gunn and Evan Stone, plus Trina Michaels, Austyn Moore, Steven St. Croix, Kris Slater, Sunny Lane, Sandee Westgate, Olivia O’Lovely, Rita Faltoyano, Sierra Sinn, Ben English and Brooke Haven, Nick Manning, Jenaveve Jolie, Ashley Steel, Max Hardcore, Brian Surewood, Scott Nails, Alana Evans, Dillan Lauren, Ariana Jollee, Venus, Shy Love, Gia Jordan and Gen Padova, to name but a few.
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| Click here for gallery. (Photos: Bettie Rinehart) |
Pirates director/Digital Playground principal Joone was naturally present also, as was fellow Digital principal Samantha Lewis and publicist Adella.
Mere feet way, a shirtless man in silver pants spewed fire from his mouth, a comely, scantily-clad wench twirled flaming batons, and a four-piece music group dressed as pirates-cum-Dexi’s Midnight Runners sang alleged period chanteys. Enthusiasts milled about in tri-cornered hats, velvet skirts, and various brazen piratey outfits that various stupendous boobs failed to resist.
Evan Stone, who displays considerable comedic talent in the film, arrived in full swashbuckler regalia.
“We had all the facilities that were given to a full-on production in Hollywood,” he said of his Pirates experience. “But, at the same time, if they needed you at eight o’clock in the morning they needed you at eight o’clock in the morning. Every second of the day and night were planned out. What we captured, I feel really good about. Every one that was there was really in character; they were in character the whole time they were there. You just got used to there being pirates around.”
Golden, gifted, hardcore vixen Jesse Jane expressed her favorite part of her challenging role in the movie:
“The sex. I got to have sex four times,” she revealed, listing her triumphs. “With Janine, who’s a legend, and Carmen Luvana, who’s a contract girl — you never get to work with a different contract girl — and Scott Nails and Steven St. Croix. And the boat. The boat was really cool!”
As cameras flashed on her like strobe lights, Jane, startling breasts thrusting from the top of her bustier like eager prairie dogs yearning for freedom, expounded on what she brought to the project.
“I like fire and fucking,” she squealed. Without a doubt, there are plenty of both in Pirates. “Fire and fucking! That’s my job, and I’m good at it! And I get to kill skeletons, and we had to shoot this on a green screen, so we had to pretend the skeletons were there, and nobody ever really does that in adult. I was trying so hard to try and not die laughing. It took real acting. It took a lot! We shot in Florida and California, and we had the actual pirate boat. Even if you cut the sex and made it soft core, it’s still great!”
Jenaveve Jolie was resplendent in a violet, see-through lace “dress,” and fuck-stack heels, though she’s wearing far less in the film.
“I’m a dancer entertaining the pirates,” offered the tres jolie Jolie. “I bring Carmen out, and I rip off her clothes.” A subtle description. Her girl-on-girl romp with Luvana brings new meaning to the term “pirate booty.”
Finally, the outdoor festivities come to an end as folks are ushered in to watch the thing that has brought us here. And Pirates does not disappoint. From soundtrack to effects to, yes, dialogue, the film is a major step forward in American pornography. Of course, period accuracy only goes so far; who knew they had eye liner, sequins and implants 300 hundred years ago? Who cares? This isn’t a Ken Burns fuckumentary.
Thank God for revisionist history, especially when it includes sweet Jesse walking Scott Nails’ plank with her mouth, and Sapphotic indulgences like Luvana and Jane cat fighting their way through a nasty, high seas slurp and finger fest. And when Jane and Janine plunder each other’s respective chests, the only question is who will get to the treasure first.
Be all that as it may, ye porn lubbers, let us not forget the rugged sailing ships doing battle upon one another, the moonlit scenes of vessels coursing across the waves, the army of fighting skeletons who can’t swim, and the harrowing, Indiana Jones-esque cave crawling in search of sacred idles, for all of these things are the lifeblood of Pirates too.
When the film is done, hundreds pour outside, into the palatial, palm-lined expanse of the entry to the Egyptian Theater. Cigarettes are lighted, congratulations are tendered, the half moon hangs low, moving high toward midnight. Somewhere in the ether, the swashbuckling spirit of Douglas Fairbanks hovers, wishing he could have leapt from a yardarm, sliced a throat, and then had his balls sucked by whoever passed for Jesse Jane in 1922.
Photo of Jesse Jane by Bettie Rinehart.
