Al Goldstein Announces 2008 Presidential Candidacy

Screw magazine founder Al Goldstein has announced his 2008 candidacy for President of the United States.

"I think the American people want honesty in a candidate," Goldstein said. "When I am going to screw you, you'll know it."

Just three years ago, Goldstein was destitute and homeless. The controversial porn pioneer chronicled his fall from grace in his recent autobiography, I, Goldstein. Today, at 71, Goldstein lives on Social Security and writes a popular blog sponsored by adult search engine Booble.  

"Al Goldstein is a national treasure," said "Booble" Bob Smart, Goldstein's campaign manager. "As the world's dirtiest old man, Al has something to say about the world he helped create, and we Americans have a duty to listen."

Goldstein has launched his campaign with a series of video clips on his website, in which the 71-year-old addresses topics including racism, gay marriage, and the Internet. Goldstein also takes aim at George W. Bush ("a liar, a former cocaine user who has sent thousands of Americans to die for nothing…"), Hillary Clinton ("a fireplug with legs, a moralizer…no better than Bush") and Barack Obama ("He's unelectable. No one can pronounce his name.")

A Korean War veteran, Goldstein received his degree in English from PACE University. He founded Screw in the summer of 1968. Within two years, Goldstein was arrested seventeen times for obscenity, establishing his reputation as a champion of the first amendment. In 1976, he created and launched Midnight Blue, which become the most popular public access cable show in New York by featuring porn stars cavorting with Goldstein and celebrity guests.

"I had everything," Goldstein wrote on his new web site. "Eleven million dollars, wives, girlfriends, everyone loved me, but I lost it all because of my flaws, which are too many. Until recently, I was homeless. I'm coming to you today, a man full of regrets, and great memories, a humble human being, who is here to tell you that the meaning of life can be found in pot and cunnilingus."

According to a press release, Goldstein was driven to declare his candidacy by his dedication to the First Amendment. "With a New Yorker's rage at Republican anti-sex, pro-war policies, Goldstein hopes his candidacy will attract sponsors to pay him and groupies to pleasure him," the release stated.

Although Goldstein is running as a democrat, Smart said he may change his affiliation to independent. "Without another sponsor, we can't afford to travel Al to the relevant campaign stops in New Hampshire, Iowa and California, so we may instead wage an independent campaign, focused on the internet, radio, and the big porn shows, where Al's mostly likely voters will congregate," Smart said.

On the subject of his running-mate, Goldstein added: "I really want to find a girlfriend. I haven't been laid in over two years. I'd pay for it if I could afford it. Instead, I'm willing to trade sex for the Vice-Presidency."

Goldstein emphasized that his candidacy is not a joke - despite the irreverent nature of his campaign. "I hope to be funny, without being a joke," he said. "My whole life has led me to this moment. I only want to make people smile, and maybe think a little bit before they vote."

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