Every spam sender in my informal survey is trying - in the hope that you don't immediately delete them - to entice you into checking out their message and purchasing their product. In that process, they will sometimes deliberately (but not always delliberately) misspell words in the subject lines to bypass any electronic filters you set up.
One correspondent writes: "I just upgraded to AOL 9 which has a feature that takes out spam before it gets to you. Theoretically you submit and save a list of words you don't want in your subject line - in my case some are Viagra, Xanax, cheerleaders and mortgages - then voila! But, as always, the spammers are one step ahead. Now I'm getting spam for Viagara, Xannax, cheer leaders and mort.gages. I don't know why they think I'd do business with anyone whose spelling skills were so faulty, but I guess their target audience may not care."
Another correspondent: "Has anyone had a problem with blocked e-mail? I have had fully one-third of my mail blocked by my ISP that is running Norton's Barracuda Spam Firewall. Phooey! It blocks e-mail from friends and newsletters but lets the porn, Viagra and 'grow your penis pills' through. I am ticked! Anyone else all of a sudden not hearing from friends?"
Meanwhile, federal agents have arrested a man for repeatedly making death threats against employees of an Internet advertising firm. He faces a maximum penalty of five years in prison and a $250,000 fine. He mistakenly believed that the company was the source of unsolicited e-mail ads he received about penis enlargement. Well, everybody has their breaking point.
Carol Liefer observed on Comedy Central that apparently there are a lot of people who want her to have a bigger penis. And, on the all-female morning TV talk show, The View, this rhetorical question was posed: "Which is worse, a tiny little penis or a lot of violence?" As if in response, a dwarf detective on a Comedy Central promo for their movie, Knee-High P.I., observed, "Sometimes the best dick is a small dick," though you'll never see that in a subject line.
Here's a quaint selection of penis-enlarger subject lines: There's the impress-a-female approach - "Women have always said: Size Matters!"... "No girl will give U a damn if U have little pe-nis"... "Hey My Girl Bought Me the Patch"... "She likes my new weenie"... "I am lookin for a big man like U! C*U*M* to me!"... "Wanna be big enough to shock people?"... "You will leave her speechless"... "Make her scream OHHH YEAAA!"
But men also like to impress other men, as in "Feal proud when your in the locker room" and "Your friends will envy you."
Other examples: "gipzyxdtcbidvd yeilopcecsu"... "Keep praying eyes away!"... "Monster Cocks at Discount Price"... "impede her ybpajh"... "dont worry about ur stupid little penis, ha ha"... "do u think u still can fuck like those who has macho dick?"... "Every man wishes he had a larger penis"... "Be a man and add a third leg"... "Enlarge your Manhood"... "Increase your penis size in one day"... "my hole was bored out by the reaper"... "Be happy when you make love!"... "With these pills you can shoot cum like a porn star!"... "you don't know the half of it"... "Penus Enlarged in 2 Hours!"
The misleading subject line is a popular method of trying to trick you. "Tickets arrived" led to this message: "there is no other way to enlarge your penis." This vague subject line - "Hey, shit happens" - and this non sequitur subject line - "Do you like oranges? - both led to the same message: "Use this patch and it will grow i SWEAR."
Okay, so now the good news is that every man can have a larger penis.
The bad news is that none of those men can get it up. A correspondent quotes this spam - "Massive rock-solid Erections, new natural product Bmrgwhmsmnmb" - and adds, "I like how it turns into nonsense at the end. I kind of picture like it's a mild mannered guy at the beginning who takes the 'natural' Viagra somewhere in the middle and then by the end he's like the incredible Hulk with a hard-on so powerful he can't even make coherent sounds. Also: 'From Keith Moon: Re: Generic Viagra' - At least they have a sense of humor. Maybe they'll start coming from 'Rush Limbaugh' next."
Another correspondent: "I remember a spam about free Viagra after a Penis Enlargement operation that would take place someplace in Nigeria just before the search for my share of several hundred million dollars that my new friend is cutting me in on. Seems his dad stashed bullion in foreign accounts to which they'd have no access until I brought several thousand dollars first. Could have gotten way rich while erect for days while I fucked myself."
Just be careful not to come on the keyboard.
Paul Krassner's latest book, Magic Mushrooms and Other Highs: From Toad Slime to Ecstasy, published by Ten Speed Press, is available in stores, on the Internet, and from www.paulkrassner.com
