I suppose if you could find a good, Latino translation for the above title, you got a future Ricky Martin hit on your hands, that is, when Ricky hits the inevitable physical skids of ear hair and broken capillaries. Speaking of which, My Mid Life Crisis also happens to be the title of Oliya Productions' video series, of which its latest release is subtitled, The Virgin. The premise, being that real a virgin was used, in the biblical sense, for the taping of this feature.
The camera crew forges deep into the wilds of Latvia to find the hymen-intact Alona who's not-so-alone-a after her video debut. Remember the days when Evel Knievel used to jump cars and canyons at a single bound? And you were treated to all the pre-jump hoopla? That's essentially what you get in this tape when its host Dee Mented, a bearded DeNiro-type from the movie Angel Heart, forges his quest into the heartlands of Latvian gynecology. The backdrop of stirrups, foreign language medical licenses hanging on a wall and an interpreter's interview with a cherub-cheeked lady doctor is only the prelude to an actual physical exam that gets a bit more descriptive than what your stomach bargains for.
Once offically pronounced a virgin, Alona's milky white Latvian innocence then becomes the target of Mented's suckling affections in some lengthy sexual vorspiel. Then we get down to the actual business at hand - the deflowerization. Everybody remembers their first time. But, judging from the stunned look on Alona's face, you get the impression that it'll take a team of eastern bloc mind control experts to help her forget it. Alona appears to display all the enthusiasm of Fay Wray being dragged by the village natives behind the wall in King Kong, but then, again, who knows? It could be a matter of language and cultural translation.
Dee Mented, who's physical presence redefines the concept of body hair once established by Burt Reynolds in Cosmo centerfolds, proceeds with lots of clam stretching and vulva tonguing. Mented then tries to penetrate Alona in reverse cowgirl to no avail, finally, relinquishing efforts to the tried and true missionary position - only to realize after several minutes that he's accidentally in her ass. Ooops. It's only with more vainglorious power thrusting that one realizes the need for the flying wedge as patented by the ancient Spartans to get inside Alona. Once that happens, though, we have validation - blood on the bed sheets. It doesn't get much more romantic than that.
