So now animals are getting into the porn act as well. It was only a matter of time.
In a recent study conducted by animal researchers at the Duke University Medical Center, it was found that monkeys – like their insatiably randy human counterparts – dig looking at pics of other hot monkeys, and are willing to pay to do it. Yes, folks, it turns out monkeys like porn, too.
During the study to explore animal social cognition, monkeys “paid” – or were paid – in fruit juice (the obvious currency of choice for primates) to look at pictures of other monkeys in their group, and were willing to forgo substantial amounts of juice in order to see pics of the hindquarters and faces of high-ranking (read: powerful) monkeys, but required “overpayment” to look at pics of lower-ranking ones. (Wouldn’t you know it? Even in the animal kingdom, everyone’s a fucking classist.) Essentially, what these researchers found was that the “hotter” and more powerful a certain chimp is, the more the rest of the monkeys will want to check out pics of them nekkid.
This is good news for porn fans. Now we humans can quit feeling so guilty about our predilection for the nasty and blame it on the damn animals!
One of the things that I’ve never quite been able to wrap my head around is the separation of humans from some of our furrier friends. Humans frequently like to think of ourselves as superior to the animal kingdom in every way, forgetting the fact that we, too, are animals in every sense of the word. We like to say that – because we can speak and write, build skyscrapers, and mass-produce environmental predators like SUVs – we are more “evolved” than the animals who roamed the earth long before we ever came along to royally screw things up. But now, with this most basic and natural of similarities, I think it’s more obvious than ever that we are indeed nothing if not a pack of raunchy, libidinous beasts. And, I, for one, would like to say, Amen!
I mean, come on, isn’t it nice to know that our “sinful” urges are as natural as the changing of seasons? Think of how many heartaches you can solve just by explaining it away: “That’s how nature made us.” If we (and by we, I mean men and women) are truly the result of some form of Darwinian evolution, then it should only make sense that we humans stuck in the “captivity” that monogamy affords us are just itching to break out and express our true sexuality.
Of course, monogamy having been repeatedly and adamantly branded into our psyches by wayward thinking Judeo-Christians and the Catholic church, most of us suffer from some form of shame and/or guilt about our sexuality. As a sexually repressed gay teen growing up in a small town, I remember feeling a deep-seeded sense of humiliation following every awkward grope with one of my buddies, the manifestation of years of being told that that what I felt was dirty and disgusting, an affront to both God and nature. Women, meanwhile, have it just as bad: Wear a sexy mini-skirt, and it’s your own damn fault if you get harassed – or worse. And God forbid she take control of her own sexuality. (Madonna, ever the sexual provocateur, bore the brunt of this archaic way of thinking, demonized for using her sexuality as a marketing tool. After all, it’s all right for a man to objectify women, but how dare a woman try and make money while objectifying herself.)
The monkey study got me thinking: Is it just me, or are humans infinitely inferior to animals? I ask this because, as I look around, I see humans making a mess (not to mention a mockery) of things. It’s 2005, and look at us: We’re involved in a seemingly unending war for admittedly sketchy reasons; we still get freaked out when gays and lesbians want to (gasp!) make their unions legal; we refuse to take care of our own citizens by providing quality, affordable health insurance; and we have no idea how to talk to sensibly talk to our children about drugs and teen pregnancy. And that’s not even counting the Bible-thumping, war-hungry, socially inept idiot that some of us evidently elected to run the country for another four years. (Don’t even get me started on that.)
And then there is sex.
For all of the human race’s advancements in technology, sociology, and science, the one thing that remains outside our grasp is a clear, forward-thinking attitude regarding sexuality. It seems that – no matter how many scandals involving presidents caught getting their dicks sucked in the White House, no matter how many date rape and child molestation trials of high-profile athletes and once-famous pop stars, no matter how many well-intentioned Oscar-nominated movies about sex researchers that threaten to bring sexuality kicking and screaming into the limelight – we are doomed to dwell in darkness (or, more accurately, ignorance) when it comes to carnal knowledge. Was the Sexual Revolution all for naught?
If we look toward the animal kingdom for positive reinforcement of sex as a natural thing, however, there are examples of it in just about every species imaginable. God love ‘em, animals have no shame – hell, they’ll mate right in front of you if you stay quiet enough. For them, sexuality is simply a part of their day-to-day existence, something as habitual and natural as stalking prey to feed their offspring or climbing a tree for a good night’s sleep. They are lucky; without the debilitative specters of religion and morality hanging over their heads, they are free to enjoy the God-given gift of carnal desire. If only the human race could follow suit and abandon all those silly religious values and celebrate the simple fact of life that is sexuality.
This is where porn comes in, folks. Not only can it be, when done right, a positive affirmation of our sexual desires, but it’s the ultimate “Fuck you” to all the judgmentally pious zealots who thumb their noses at anyone who doesn’t cave to moronic notions of shame and sin. Every time someone in the business films a movie, it’s an act of revolution that brings us one step closer to making porn (and sex) as American as Mom’s apple pie. As Adult entertainment continues to make bold strides into mainstream culture (Indeed, what’s next? Jenna Jameson guest starring on The Simpsons? Michael Lucas joining the cast of The Surreal Life?), I think we will see increased resistance to relaxed sexual norms. The religious right won the last election based on the trump card of so-called “moral values,” and they’ll be keeping an eye on us heathens and hedonists for a chance to swoop in with their self-righteous hypocrisy (as if any Republican heterosexual male has an easier time keeping it in his pants than, say, a Democratic President or just an extra-horny gay guy like me) and claim yet another moral victory over sin and debauchery, but we’ll be prepared for them when they do.
In the meantime, I say make like the animals do, and forget shame, forget guilt. To hell with all that unnecessary nonsense. It’s bad for the soul. If God didn’t mean for sex to be a religious experience, He/She wouldn’t have given us the capability to enjoy the hell out of it. (Why else would we shout “Oh, God!” when we’re ready to come?)
As the Duke University study clearly demonstrates, we are no better than monkeys, so sign onto whatever dirty, disgusting Website you can find, shop in those back alley mom and pop adult novelty stores, and keep the spirit of free sexuality alive and well. Having descended from a long line of simian ancestors, we are nothing if not monkeys ourselves. And everyone knows that monkey see, monkey do.
And hey, if that doesn’t work, we could always just fuck like rabbits.
