LOS ANGELES—Porn is sticky, but so are common perceptions about porn and the people who like it. One of the stickiest assumptions about men and porn is that they do not really discriminate when it comes to what they watch, if by discriminate we mean having a clear understanding of what they want to see and then going and finding it. Mr. Stereotype tells us a man flits from porn flower to porn flower, stopping to enjoy the nectar only when the dopamine rush in his brain tells him it's time to stop. But maybe it's not as simple as that.
Porn, of course, is a catchall phrase for a myriad of niches that encompass a universe of couplings that tend to be grouped by common categories such as MILF, Big Boobs, Asian, Ebony, Facial, DP, Blonde, Blowjob, Couples, and the list goes on and on ... though not ad infinitum. While the list of acts or attributes may expand to include popular new niches, the relational aspect of the final product tends to remain somewhat the same—in other words, the actual sex doesn't really vary that much.
But one couples therapist, Esther Perel, thinks that, at least for men 50 years of age and older, the type of sex they may be interested in having (and, by extension, watching) may be more relational than commonly assumed. In other words, older men—who may be the only remaining demographic that expects to pay for porn—should be treated more like women.
This rather interesting insight was provided in an interview Perel gave to the Huffington Post today. The interview discusses sex rather than porn in particular, but there is no reason to think that the one does not reflect upon the other. In fact, the discussion on the rarely mentioned relational aspect of male sexuality was not limited to older men, per se, but for porn producers, who are not likely to change their ways when it comes to making cookie-cutter porn intended primarily for the 18-35 male demographic, it nonetheless has the potential to stimulate a more open-minded attitude about experimenting with a different style of porn for older men, especially if money calls.
Essentially, Perel is challenging the "stereotypic thinking and mythology" that dictates, "Men, by definition, want sex. Women, by definition, don't." In her experience, which is increasingly supported by research, men, especially as they age, are looking for much more than just the old in-out. The need to feel desired and potent, she said, has far less to do with getting and maintaining an erection than establishing an intimacy with a partner.
That is one reason, she says, that "65 to 70 percent of men who use Viagra stop using it. The drop-off rate is tremendous."
She continues, "Viagra helps with performance but it doesn't help with desire or confidence. Viagra increases blood flow, but it doesn't increase masculinity. It doesn't increase your sense of self-esteem or sexual self-esteem. People never talk about this. It can if you feel good and you're totally OK knowing that you need a little bit of boost—then taking medication doesn't really tap into your sexual self-esteem. But if a man is used to autonomous, spontaneous erections—if they've always been ready for the experience and suddenly it's not happening—some men experience it as an absolute emasculating experience. They think, 'I'm no longer a man. I'm done.' And they close up shop. Men need to feel worthy with a soft-on as much as with a hard-on."
This is brutally honest but necessary stuff, even if it seems to take some of the starch out of the virile guy image most men feel they need to maintain. More importantly, though, it could provide the excuse needed to approach men from a more sensitive erotic direction.
"In relationships, sexuality is so much a language of intimacy for men as it is for women," said Perel. "When men are deprived, when they are disconnected sexually, they feel lonely. Sexuality as a language of intimacy is no different from talking. We are multilingual. Often if a man can't be sexual with his partner, it's not that he's frustrated because can't get laid. He can get sex anywhere he wants. What he wants is all the other feelings that are often repudiated and forbidden for men: tenderness, softness, connection, intimacy, surrender. For men these feelings are allowed to circulate through sex. When men can't have sex, those feelings are cut off. So it's not the sex that a man is missing. It's all the feelings that sex usually allows him to experience."
Okay, this is about as counter-intuitive a theory about male sexuality as can be, but if it is true—and one would certainly be remiss to discount it out of hand—it opens up potential vistas of possibilities for all sorts of businesses that cater to the sexual needs of older people far beyond the marketing and sale of male enhancement pills. It all comes down, says Perel, to helping the person feel alive.
"What's important is getting in touch with the difference between sexuality and eroticism. That's the thing that I'm interested in," she says. "Eroticism is what gives sex meaning. When people talk about an affair, for example, the one word that they universally use is the word 'alive.' When people have an affair they say it was because they wanted to feel alive. And when people lack sex or affectionate connection and erotic connection with themselves or with their partner—and it has nothing to do with frequency or type of sex or statistics—what they talk about is a sense of deadness. More than anything else, across all cultures, people want to feel alive. Ultimately, that's what everyone wants."
Anti-porners always accuse porn of killing true eroticism, and maybe with a lot of the stuff that's produced they have a point, but Perel seems to be saying that it's the person who dies a little inside as they age, and that the goal of sex (and by extension, porn) is to rekindle the flames of desire that inspire great sex, and that maybe that is more effectively accomplished slowly and sensitively ... even, or especially, for men.
