Melvin and Howard, move over, The big question is, will Howard Stern pick up his AVN Lifetime Achievement Award at this year's 2000 celebration? Vegas bookmakers are taking odds.
AVN publisher Paul Fishbein had a phone chat with Stern this past week to talk about that very thing even though Stern persistently rags on AVN in a good-natured way. "It was a bunch of pieces of paper that he [Fishbein] clipped together with a staple gun, and he's worked it into a magazine," Stern observed. "And now he's the leading pornographer in the country. And he has the Adult Video News Awards. So he gets a bunch of porn stars together, and it's, like, their academy awards."
Stern: "So Gary comes in one day and goes, 'Hey, bawth, geth what? Big news. You're getting a Lifetime Achievement Award. That's the good news. Bad news is it's from the Adult Video News.' So Paul said, listen, they want to give me the Lifetime Achievement Award."
Robin: "Is he back to talk about that again?"
[It was the Stern people who called Fishbein.]
Stern: "I like Paul. He's a nice enough guy."
Fishbein: "Howard, I'm not a pornographer. We write about the pornographers."
Stern: "Whatever. That magazine of yours looks like pornography. You got naked girls in your magazine."
Fishbein: "Well, we've opened it up for nudity, but there's no hardcore in it. It's mostly information."
Stern: "You making a good living from the magazine?"
Fishbein: "Yeah, we do great."
Stern: "What do you make a year? Can you share that with us? Seriously, I'd love to know. Do you make over a $100,000 a year?"
Fishbein: "Of course..."
Stern: Wow. Are you making over a million dollars a year? For your own salary?"
Fishbein: "I just want to say the same thing you said when you were running for governor. You don't want to reveal your personal information."
Stern: "Answer this question in a very vague way. Are you a millionaire?"
Fishbein: "I do very well. But the hours..."
Stern: "You work too hard."
Robin Quivers mentions that she ran into Al Goldstein the other day and that he showed her a picture of one of his homes. "It was incredible," she said. "You know what he was complaining about? He doesn't have enough time to spend in each of his homes."
Stern: "Enough time? He's too busy eating. He has a great life. He really does." Stern mentioned how Goldstein sent him a warm note on his separation. "Then the next week I look in Screw Magazine, and there's a picture of my wife...superimposed," Stern noted. "She's in bed with Dennis Rodman, and he's banging her."
Fishbein said he went through the same thing Stern's going through. "I feel for you." said Fishbein who noted that he's remarried. "I have a wonderful wife."
Stern: "Why would you get married again?"
Fishbein: "Because I met a wonderful girl."
Stern: "Your first wife was wonderful."
Fishbein: "Say that again? Are you sure about that one, Howard?"
Stern: "I know there's no better woman on the planet than my wife. And, if we can't get along, why would I believe that I could get along with somebody else?"
Robin assured him that he would.
Stern: "I'm married to my wife for the rest of my life. She just doesn't know it.... A lot of people don't know it, but it was a white broad that he [Fishbein] dumped...so Paul says he wants to honor me at this porno convention. This is a funny story. He'll fly me to Vegas, the whole deal. Now that I'm not married, maybe I should go."
Fishbein: "I think you should come, Howard."
"I go, Paul, I'm not going to a porno convention," Stern told his viewers, "to accept a lifetime achievement award; no offense. It's the dumbest show you've ever seen. These broads who are number one in anal sex...they go, and now, 'Best Anal'. And then they open up an envelope, and this girl starts to cry. Now, number one ganging girl...best double-penetration...it's unbelievable."
Stern: "All I know is, after Best Anal scene, I'm going to get up and get a Lifetime Achievement Award. I've turned down speaking at Harvard Law School, you think I'm going to follow up the Best Anal scene? Maybe I should just go. That WOULD be funny."
Stern said he still wants the award and that maybe he would send somebody to accept it. Stern claims Fishbein, in a previous conversation, told him not to send "anybody weird". "Weird? To the anal award show!" Stern laughed. "What could be weirder than that?" Girls who have sex on film. My life is bizarre! I mean, who would you consider too weird for the porno awards?"
Hank the Angry Dwarf was mentioned as one possibility, and Fishbein said he'd love to have him there. "Tell us who you don't want," Stern told Fishbein. "I want someone who can speak the language," Fishbein replied. "Then Gary the Retard it is," said Stern. "We'll send him. He can speak."
Fishbein: "I think you should come; you'll have the weekend of your life."
Stern: "No I won't. I don't have any weekends of my life. Dude, I can't see getting a lifetime achievement award after some chick's won the anal sex award."
Fishbein: "We'll put you after most outrageous sex scene."
Fishbein stressed that this would be the only lifetime achievement award given this year and that Larry Flynt and Goldstein were recent winners. Stern suggested maybe sending the owner of Viacom to pick up the award.
"I'm going to send somebody," Stern said. "If you move the whole porno awards over to my vacation, then I'll go. Move them for me. Then I'll go, but I won't accept the award. I'll just take the trip."
