For a guy who didn't want to accept it, Howard Stern certainly gave the fact he was getting an AVN Special Achievement Award a lot of play on his radio show. On at least two occasions late last year, Stern had portions of his show assigned to venting over the fact he was being given an award at the same show that dishes out "Best Anal Sex Scene" acknowledgments. On one of those occasions, Stern had AVN publisher Paul Fishbein on the air to talk about it. Playing the situation like a coy, uncommitted high school prom queen, Stern said enough to feed speculation that he might be inclined to come to Las Vegas in person, but when push actually came to shove, Stern sent one of his minions, Beetlejuice, to pick up the award, instead.
Then, on Monday of last week, Stern played the segment from the award's show of Beetlejuice accepting. The following day, Stern had The Juice on the show to relive the moment. Stern acknowledged that Beetlejuice, whom he refers to as "the Dennis Rodman of dwarfs," was fed his acceptance speech from offstage via an earphone. Stern explained that Beetlejuice "can't retain a speech - he can't remember anything."
"The porn industry as their own version of the Academy Awards," Stern told his audience Monday. "It's the goofiest thing you ever saw." Stern thought nominees in certain categories were particularly amusing and singled out the Best Ethnic-Themed series. He read the nominees on the air.
"The list goes on and on and on. Come on, they must have nominated every film that was made," Robin Quivers commented.
Stern recalled his conversations last year with AVN's Fishbein. "I said I'm not accepting any award at some sex show," Stern recalled. "They were offering you the moon," Quivers added. "They were going to give you a suite, limo, bodyguards..."
"I figured as long as they were going to pay for someone to go down there and accept the award, I sent Beetlejuice," Stern said. [Stern then played the tape of Paul Fishbein making the introduction.]
Acknowledging Stern's FCC battles, Fishbein said that Stern had really done a lot for the adult industry. "A lot of the girls in the industry have gotten tremendous publicity," Fishbein added. "He [Stern] has really treated this industry like a regular industry and has given this business a lot of positive press."
[Stern then commented cynically that he didn't hear any applause at the awards show on his behalf - fancy that.] "He's like defending my award to porno stars," Stern commented. "Al Goldstein got a nicer introduction."
Giving the Beetlejuice play-by-play, Stern told his listeners that Beetlejuice came on stage with two "hot chicks on his arms - he's dressed in like a white outfit, gorgeous. He can't reach the microphone so they have to go get a box for him."
Though he was fed lines, Beetlejuice's speech was nearly incomprehensible except for the times he blurted out Stern's name. [One of his lines supposedly was, "I like to throw up."]
Threatening to break an award show record for delivering cryptogrammic messages, Beetlejuice was finally ushered offstage by the show's host Juli Ashton. The band signaled a break. "They're trying to play him out, but he won't leave," Stern commented. "We told him to stay."
On his Tuesday show, Stern took time to play and rag on Tristan Taormino's acceptance speech for winning the Best Anal-Themed tape award. "I'm sure the world is crumbling around us," Stern quipped while Taormino publically thanked Buttman for taking a chance on her. Stern also played Chloe's speech in winning the Best Actress award for the film, Chloe. Stern also thought it was amusing that Chloe gave the whole "chronology" of how she got her role via director Kris Kramski. "Beautiful voice," Stern muttered as Chloe continued her throaty speech.
In his studio chat with Beetlejuice, Stern again played the Fishbein introduction, and behaved petulantly. "It's not a very nice speech," Stern remarked. "I remember when Al Goldstein got this award last year, it was like, here he comes, he's a freedom fighter. I think because I didn't show up, they're bad-mouthing me." Commenting on Fishbein's remark that Stern wouldn't come despite his urgings, Stern said, "Excuse me, I couldn't fly out to Las Vegas. I got a job. I'm going to get up there and accept an award with a straight face in front of like the best anal actress."
In the same way LA radio's Conway & Steckler have a segment to translate Jessie Jackson speeches, Stern asked Beetlejuice to translate what was going on the stage. Stern said it was rude to cut Beetlejuice off the stage. "Where did they take you after this? Out to the alley to beat you up?" Robin Quivers wanted to know. Beetlejuice claims he gots laid twice while out in Las Vegas. "All the porno stars were all over Beetlejuice like he was James Bond," Stern noted. "The girls were going wild for you. They were taking their breasts and hitting you in the head with 'em. I saw that. I saw some of the girls grabbing your crotch and french kissing you. Beautiful women french kissing Beetlejuice."
On a humorous note in a story that boasts very few, one of the offstage lines fed to Beetlejuice to utter on stage was, "Paul Fishbein is a hot Jew."
