Dispatched into the deep, dark underbelly of Chatsworth, Calif., in search of spiritual knowingness about the adult Internet industry, I found myself standing on the doorstep of a nondescript parlor tucked between an auto repair shop and one of those places where they make copies of your keys.
My mission, which I did not willingly choose, was to divine the future of the adult Internet industry by going straight to the source: a psychic. As I entered her mystical dwelling, a diminutive woman greeted me warmly and introduced herself as Lorraine. My mind drifted for a moment to Nat King Cole’s warm voice:
I just found joy
I’m as happy as a baby boy
With another brand new choo-choo toy
When I met my sweet Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine.
Not one for psychics, palm readers, or other witchcraft, I proceeded with both skepticism and fear, knowing that if I pissed off the spirits I might end up being haunted forever. I told this voodoo seductress – No, scratch that. Anyone wearing a Laura Ashley full-length dress is neither voodoo nor seductive – that I was looking for answers. She beckoned, and I took a seat at a tiny, glass-top table for two. That’s when I told her that the enlightenment I sought was not so much about me, but of a higher power, namely Internet porn.
I explained my quest to find what lay ahead for the adult business, and seemingly out of nowhere she produced a deck of tarot cards, which she stacked in the middle of a table and pushed toward me. I shuffled the cards and handed them back. Lorraine then asked to hold something I keep with me all the time, to get a better sense of my spirit, or perhaps to prevent me from running out without paying.
I gave her my keys and watched as she fondled them, lovingly almost. In fact, her fondling skills were, quite frankly, astounding. I knew then that I could totally sleep with Lorraine. Then it hit me: If we did sleep together, would she be able to read my mind and know that I was really thinking of Alexis Winston the whole time?
My reverie broke when the tarot cards began to hit the table. I spoke to Lorraine of issues like 2257 and the dot-xxx saga, excited to understand what the cards were telling her—and what kind of vibe my car keys were giving us.
She put down the Death card. It was pointing right at me. Lorraine said, "It’s going to be bumpy, lots of turmoil." Was she channeling Bette Davis?
I wanted more to hear more. I felt we were so close to unlocking the door to the future. "I feel controversy," she said in a soft voice, "but there is optimism for those who persevere."
"…in bed," I finished, to myself.
Lorraine felt uneasiness in my soul, powerful negativity circling in my spirit, and essentially holding me back from achieving my hopes and dreams.
I took Lorraine’s revelation to mean that since I work in the online porn business, it only seems logical that whatever negativity was causing havoc with my mojo, it was also somehow connected to the soul-sucking hardships that sometimes pervade the adult Internet industry. Could it be that I was the divine straw that stirs the spiritual cocktail that is adult Internet entertainment? Or was I just hallucinating because the air conditioner wasn’t working, and I was sweating like a hooker in church? There was no way to be sure.
The Devil card was not pointed at me, which could only mean that the affiliate program business model would continue to flourish to great heights. Well, that’s not entirely true, but when I asked Lorraine about affiliate programs, she looked at me with the most precious expression of incomprehension. In fact, without being able to fondle the car keys of everyone in our industry, I soon realized there was precious time Lorraine could really tell me about the future of the adult Internet business. All I got out of her was that the industry is going to go through a king-hell shitstorm, yet when it’s all said and done there will be sunshine and rainbows and happy smiles.
As our time together came to an end, I asked pleasantly, "Is it possible to speak to Elvis?" Lorraine told me that a séance would cost an extra $100. Such are the business practices of the clairvoyant.
