The AVN Awards nominations will be announced Nov. 24, but if there were an award to be given for Best Pre-Noms submissions it might have to go to Legend Video for producing a document chock full of wisecracks and skewered commentary worth memorializing in the irreverence Hall of Fame.
Enjoy some of the examples, submitted by Legend's promotions director Nelson Ayala, as the AVN staff did:
JM Productions nominates Young and Anal #11 for Best Anal Sex Scene and tape with the following observation - "I believe it was the great Greek philosopher Plato who said, 'If she's old enough to crawl, she's already in the right position.'
Young and Anal #14: "..a classic. It should be black & white, and shown on AMC."
JM nominating Jim Powers for Best Director: "In the mid-1950's, the French journal Cahiers du Cinema introduced the revolutionary concept of 'la politique des auteurs' - the auteur theory. This theory states that the greatest movies made are dominated by the personal vision of the director. Subject matter is artistically neutral. It is a director's style and unity of theme which will determine a movie's excellence. Meet Jim Powers, auteur...Powers is not afraid to embrace his vision and will utilize everything in his power to realize it. Power's splendid use of aleatory techniques and mise en scene can be seen in movies such as 1997's AVN award-winning The Violation of Missy and 1998's award-winning White Trash Whore. The highly underrated Perverted Stories series is a marvelous display of Powers' fluid choreographing of visual elements to correspond to a dramatic idea...Power's use of motif and metaphor is complimented by his use of filthy ass whores. Hence, it is no surprise that Powers' semiotic techniques are successfully expressive and moving..."
JM nominating the "Dead Fuck" vignette from Perverted Stories #21 for Outrageous Sex Scene: "It's the classic story of boy meets girl, girl dies, boy fucks girl in the ass anyway...director Jim Powers utilized everything in his special effects arsenal to ensure realism in 'Dead Fuck'. Shot with special camera filters, the dead girl's skin tone is eerily convincing. Performer Maren was often smacked upside the head with a frying pan to capture that glazed over, dead look."
Legend's nomination of Kid Vegas for Best Marketing Campaign and Breakthrough Award: "Kid Vegas has broken out into the porn scene like a bad case of acne. Inflammatory and annoying at times, Kid Vegas has nonetheless managed to skate into the hearts of many like an adrenaline shot...ten months ago nobody knew who Kid Vegas was. Now, you can't escape him. He's everywhere. The internet is aflutter with Kid Vegas news...he has destroyed his competition. Does anyone remember Kid Sprinkler anymore?"
JM nominating American Bukkake for Best Continuing series: "A long time ago, in Japan, when a man caught his wife having an affair, he would teach her respect and humility by inviting all the men in his village to cum on her face. This practice came to be known as 'bukkake'. All evidence of bukkake was seized throughout the Orient. Fortunately, our specially trained team of crack archaeologists managed to smuggle out a bukkake tape, via mule, frame by frame...already a popular Extreme Sport in some cities, American Bukkake is rumored to be an event for the 2004 Olympics."
Guttermouths for Best Continuing Series: "a fucking great series that dedicates itself to chicks that like to talk shit while getting fucked in the shitter...the sex is fucking hot...the women are fucking filthy...what more do you fucking need? Nominate the fucking thing, will ya? You rat bastards."
Hardcore Schoolgirls in several categories: "Max [Hardcore] has dedicated his life to the pursuit of anus...yet, Max Hardcore has never won an AVN Award. Perhaps he is too hardcore for AVN. Well, let me tell you something, people. Max is a human being damnit! Would it kill you to give the guy some recognition? Do you know how many times Maxi has wept on my shoulder crying, 'Why? Why? Why?' OK, that's never happened. But not winning an award only makes Maxi try harder. That means a lot more mean and angry fucking."
Maxed Out for Best Gonzo series: "The series is a favorite amongst fans and proctology interns alike."
Pussyman's Black Bad Girls: "One hot video...these chicks take more shots to the face than an Asian liquor store clerk in Compton."
Lonestar Virgins - "takes the good, the bad and the occasionally ugly and fucks them till they're walking like John Wayne."
