Morning commute: I drive along in relative luxury listening to Berlin's "The Metro," gazing in secret, selfish delight at the masses of distressed drivers motoring angrily to jobs they obviously hate. Frantic looks of dread and daylight disappointment paint their withered faces. I advance the CD to the next song, "Masquerade," and pull into my parking space. It's 9:00 am. I have to listen to the lyrics and wait a few minutes - one shouldn't appear too anxious to begin another day at the greatest job in the world: getting paid to review and evaluate pornographic AVS Websites.
9:06 a.m.: It's always the same: coffee first, porn second. Every adult Website reviewer relies on their own special blend of coping mechanisms to help them through the drudgeries of cross-dressing derri�res and the cascades of computer-created come shot close-ups. Coffee's my euphoric escape. Other routines may include cigars & cigarettes, candies & snacks, music & magazines, tea & talk, or a simple long and fragrant session of incense-burning. I guess looking at porn all day is like any other profession; it has its highs and lows. But, it's also like nothing else you'd ever do - being one of the lucky few to make a career out of it.
The adult industry is a constantly growing, self-evolving mechanism - a type of life entity in and of itself. In one way it's as old as time, and has been around since sailors traded painted lady playing cards, and stared starry-eyed through sex-filled stereoscopes at the exotic erotic nudes of yesteryear. In another way, it's always new and improving, feeding on modern technologies, absorbing any new tool to make it better, broader, and more brilliant than before.
The old truism "sex sells" is truer today than ever, and the Internet has provided a stable medium securing a profitable future for this fascinating and fantasy-like dreamscape. In other words, it's big business, and the amount of money at stake also makes it serious business. That being said, there are some certainties one can more-or-less depend on - if you're good, flexible, and friendly: a steady income, a fun-filled job, a family-type atmosphere, and more friends than you can shake your stick at.
9:15 a.m.: Dustin sends me a site called "Saddam's Bitches." I need another cup o' Joe - it's still too early. Right away I can see the site is exceptional; images of the infamous "dictator of dread" Photoshop'd into a sea of sexually stimulated softcore spanking. Middle Eastern style graphics entice and describe the demented delectables found within. I munch on breakfast bacon and eagerly unlock the mysteries of Muslim self-indulgence.
10:00 a.m.: The morning meeting is always a laugh-fest. Laughing is extremely important in this business as it inspires, de-stresses, and puts our erotic existences into perspective. For the next hour, we'll sip coffee, tell jokes, brainstorm sales techniques, and discuss other enormously influential pornographic issues. At the zenith of this congregation, Cormac will perform an average of no less than six stand-up comedy routines. Cory will try to sway at least one of us into re-thinking the fundamental laws of physics, and how all porn does break down into a simple, understandable equation. Edison will accidentally drop his new Platinum Diner's Club Card on the floor and demonstrate the versatility and flexibility of his new Abercrombie & Fitch sport slacks. Jeremy, Burt, and Julie will debate the pros and cons of sushi, and then thrash out the logistics of online oceanic oral stimulation. All of this will roil and fuel our creative consciousnesses as we coalesce into a single Godlike entity capable of re-creating life itself. The session ends with a short Vulcan mind-meld, more incense-burning, and self-gratifying pats on the back. After saving the planet (yet once again), we adjourn to brandy and stock tips on the promenade.
11:11 a.m.: By now, myriad psychedelic pseudo-sexual sites have radiated into the recesses of my cerebellum; another site catches my eye: "Fort Fornication," representing the latest in military fashion and uniformed decadence. The men are at attention, the women are at ease, there's friendly fire everywhere, and my mind has now gone AWOL. A fresh pot of coffee is in order, and the succulent smell of company chow overtakes my nostrils. Regardless of what you've heard, you can still get a free lunch in L.A. I wonder what it'll be today - taboo tacos, banned burgers, sinful spaghetti, or some other forbidden fruit? It's all good. In this biz, every meal's a banquet, and every paycheck's a fortune.
Noon: Lunchtime! Believe it or not, food and sex are bedfellows indeed. Some of the most proactive and constructive industry ideas transpire around the tea-time tables. Some types of cuisine are conducive to this provocative planning. Stew is an excellent catalyst for unclothed conversation (probably because stew and sex are moist and delicious when served hot, but can quickly cool into a soup of self-loathing). Sandwiches and chips are always "fair fare" and are especially acceptable because of their ease-of-eating when surfing sex sites. However, there is one dish the industry never serves: fish. Don't ask why.
2:00 p.m.: A never-ending cavalcade of fishnets and fetishes fill the pixilated panorama of my monitor. The machine and I become one as I click through a sea of perpetual pop-ups, pop-unders, pin-ups, piercings, and porn stars. Hundreds, thousands, millions, of indecent images pass before me - and I am the master of all I survey! Time alters the shape of reasoning as I begin to enter "The Porn Phase." Sometimes referred to as the "Sex Stretch Shift," this unavoidable mutation of the measure of time happens routinely to all reviewers. If the Websites are great, or even good, "Sex's Spell" will accelerate time by two or three hours. If the Web pages are poor, the hours can last two or three weeks. Every day's a cyber-erotic crapshoot, and Webmasters know every site's success is a roll of the dice. If I'm fortunate, lady luck will ensure my eyes don't roll to the back of my head - as my butt rolls off the chair. An adult-sized drool bib sometimes helps us through.
5:00 p.m.: The pupils of my eyes are the size of silver dollars. Webmasters from around the world are frantically submitting their last-minute Website designs for review and reward. Ryan, our "Hentai Guy," excitedly argues his new strategy for Counter-Strike, while displaying a talent for imitating a Warcraft's Ork's grunt. Dustin cranks up the rock-n-roll a notch. Note: Rock is the only music one should listen to while engaged in any type of porno proceedings. Country is much too pessimistic, and Classical far too refined. Rock was made for Porn, and there's nothing like listening to Blind Melon while peeping at a pair of oversized, plastic-enhanced, dew-covered skin melons! Also, never play Scottish Bagpipe tunes while surveying sex sites. The conflicting imagery of slick sticks & chicks with hairy men in plaid skirts blowing bone-bags can irrevocably injure your psyche.
6:06 p.m.: Twilight has filled the great southwestern sky as I ponder the universal all-American question: What's for dinner? I hit the ignition, pop in Berlin's Sacred and Profane CD and tweak the treble on "X Girl." I'm a little melancholy about leaving the plethora of porn stars that require my daily attention and considerations; I guess too much of anything good can be bad. Interestingly, the porn biz does tend to jade your libido a bit. Sex (as you once understood it) can be forever altered, and weird psychological twists of fate can occur. Images once considered arousing can become mundane, while ordinary events oddly fill the sexual void. Grocery shopping in the produce department gets me peculiarly hot 'n' bothered these days. I steer clear of the tropical fruit - kiwis and mangos and such; can't be too careful.
On this day, a small handful of San Fernando Valley Site Reviewers will have scanned, tested, appraised, assessed, and clicked their way through some few-hundred adult AVS Websites. Thousands of links will have been surfed, and perhaps tens of thousands of erotic images will have been shrewdly examined. But not everybody is cut out for this line of work. Listening to good music, wearing casual dress, burning incense, playing with puppies, snarfing a complimentary hot lunch, enjoying comedy and camaraderie, and viewing more porn by noon than most people see in an lifetime is not everyone's cup of tea. Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing!
The Berlin CD moves to the next song. "No More Words."
Barry G. is the manager of the Site Review Dept. at Adult Check. He can be reached at [email protected].
