I’ve said it a million times before, I’ll say it again here: The presence of another’s beauty and talent is not the absence of your own. I’ve always been body-positive. As I’ve mentioned before, I was a licensed massage therapist a decade ago. However, when I started webcam modeling, I wasn’t even really aware of how beautiful my own pussy was. I hardly looked at it compared to when working under an HD webcam. I believe it is an injustice to compete/compare anyone,—let alone adult entertainers—but I have to say, being among them is a major confidence boost. Seeing myself more and seeing others more, increased my capacity to love and appreciate all the variety people come in! Pun, intended…
Over the years I have seen the most beautiful friendships form and blossom in this community. I’ve also seen and experienced how lonely and isolating it can be. Sometimes this industry can be downright like some bullshit high-school gauntlet. This article covers some Do’s and Don’ts that might help us maintain the integrity we work so hard to enact and embody.
Don’t Compete/Compare: Doing this is an injustice to the enthralling variety we provide. It knocks people down on both sides. It diminishes potential and mutually enriching exchanges. Competing and comparing something as godly as women and other adult performers against each other is inherently patriarchal and petty and it needs to stop. That can only happen within the mind of any given individual. Work on eliminating any inclination.
Instead, DO: Remind yourself that we are all worthy and unique. That there is someone for everyone. That there is enough room for us all at the top of our society as exalted, cherished adult entertainers.
Don’t Copy-Cat: This shit is not flattering. It’s absolutely insulting. I’ve seen it far too many times—in many forms. We all work too hard to be piggy-backed and leapfrogged. Being inspired is one thing but you have to do the work yourself; think for yourself. Stealing intellectual efforts does not build anyone up. It cheapens our work into mass-produced crap.
Instead, DO: Stay in your lane, focus on your goals, introspect, have an intimate enough relationship with yourself to identify, improve on and share your best parts! People truly are unique individuals; we just live in a world that wants us to forget that—or worse, feel ashamed of it. Being in and of an entertainment industry, you’re already halfway there. So just give yourself patience and your own genius will come to you.
Don’t Hate: Plain and simple. Grow up. If you find that you can’t hustle harder than you hate, straight up, you don’t belong here. There is nothing creative, intelligent or respectable about knocking someone else down to elevate your own position. Seeing adult entertainers—let alone women—attacking each other is gross. It’s a turn-off. Toxic audiences flock to it, fuel it, clamor for it, but almost never pay… See where I’m going with this? It’s not benefiting anyone. It’s not building each other up. It’s not anything but trash behavior. This is part of the reason I don’t personally agree with engaging the home-wrecking “fetish.” A man approaches a supposedly “dominant” woman requesting to involve an un-consenting, unaware third party like his wife and kids in some sick patriarchal joke to get women to debase themselves and shit on each other, all in the name of “entertaining” dick-beaters, for a fee? What self respecting, self-proclaimed, “dominant” woman is so insecure that she’d have to vie for a man’s favor over his wife and children? I don’t fucking think so. Those men are no different than the rest who want us divided and fighting in every other facet of our industry.
Instead, DO: Try giving someone a compliment. Try defending someone. It’s free to be nice and doing so actually physically makes you more attractive than being a dick. Especially when you’re doing it genuinely and not for gratitude or acknowledgment in return. Try tipping if you have the means. It’s a better use of money than what most of us squander and waste dollar after dollar on. I’ve been tipped by other sex workers. I’ve also tipped other adult entertainers. You never know how their day has been on the professional or private front. Love from peers in any form is usually welcome and in this industry—all too often—a sight for sore eyes. I’m not saying you owe niceties to anyone, but you don’t get to shit on anyone either. If you have to blip on someone’s radar, let it be in kind.
Don’t Fucking Judge: I can recall a time in the dressing room of a strip club. A dancer was talking about her friend who was trying to tactfully, strategically finesse her and her kids way out of an abusive relationship to avoid further trauma and danger. Suddenly another dancer (a veteran dancer no less) starts shouting over her, “That is no excluse! My grandma took her five kids and moved into her parents' backyard and built a four-walled shack!” … We were all pretty appalled at her audacity. A brief moment of silent shock befell the dressing room before I interjected with, “Well, I’m really glad that back then, your grandmother had family and those resources available to her to exhaust without the obstacles of today—such as child protective services surveying living conditions, and building code permits, and what not…” to which a different dancer pointed at me and loudly said, “Thank you.”
Basically, without insulting anyone, I put her back into a place of perspective. I thought quickly and tactfully on my feet and averted a potential figh—the dancer who was talking about her friend was offended, hurt, a former abuse victim herself. It was astounding that so much judgment could even come from a veteran dancer in a strip-club dressing room of all places, when so many dancers are often actively working to liberate themselves from abuse… It comes from everywhere. It’s uncalled for. It’s no way to support each other.
Instead, DO: Remember that you just don’t know what it’s like for someone else. Life is complicated and it never exists in a vacuum. Remind yourself that it’s not your business. Fact: No one actually qualifies to judge anyone else. (I understand judging someone malevolent; we all do, that’s appropriate.) If you must speak on the matter, contribute something uplifting or productive.
Don’t Cling To Incompatibilities: Unfortunately cliques will exist in any facet of life. I’m sure we’ve all noticed them in this industry. Not everyone will like and want to include us; not everyone will get along; not everyone will want to be our newfound bestie. I’ve both met, befriended and worked with several others over the years, virtually and in person. We all have such different styles and preferences. Keep an open mind and if it’s not working for you; just move on peacefully and hope they’re mature enough to afford you the same courtesy.
Don’t Be Shy: One thing I struggle with is wanting to make sure I don’t impose myself on other women. It prevents me (even to this day, although less than it used to) from reaching out, saying hi, showing love, all because I feel like, well, frankly, they didn’t ask for me or my opinion… but I know that’s also pretty silly. What if they felt the same? Where does that leave us? I fight it all the time. I usually fail. I’ve always been an introvert and personally, hearing from another entertainer first, can help break down my social inhibitions. I try to be the first to reach out, as often as I can handle. We should all try to reach out to each other more.
The ways this industry isolates performers are insanely vast. Something as harmless as an unfollow, or simply not following someone back soon enough can induce insecurities. I’m not saying cater to insecurities or that it’s anyone’s fault how someone interprets subtle actions. I just think it’s fair to say we probably all show up for some semblance of a connection or inclusion. Even if times are changing, we have a long way to go and most of us are already society’s outcasts for one reason or another… We should keep that in mind when we can and try to be more open to each other.
It’s inspiring when we give each other love and support. Beautiful things result from kindness and appreciation. I don’t think any of us would be here without the others… I can’t even begin to state how much I have learned and grown from watching and listening to my peers. I am among those of us who entered this work feeling like I needed more than I had to offer but that quickly subsided when I looked around and stepped back to see: The fact is, we fucking rock. All of us. We do what so many others could never. Every day. It’s worthy of praise, love, support and credit from not just our customers but each other. If you’ve got a little extra time and love to give, give it, babes. Thank you for being part of what we all take pride in!
Eden Blake has been a webcam model since 2010. Follow her on AVN Stars at @edenblake and catch her next show on MyFreeCams.
