This article originally ran in the April 2019 edition of AVN magazine. Click here to see the full digital issue.
For anyone who thinks reading books is boring, you’re not reading the right books. If you want to learn how to be more kinky, how to be more confident in bed, or how to be in a relationship with more than one person at the same time, reading these two new books will show you how it’s done. These two new releases that have become our favorites. Why? Because the authors of both books broke the rules of sexuality in their own lives, and shared their stories with readers to make their sex lives better. Thanks for sharing.
ABCs of BDSM
Whether you’re a beginner who wants to be kinky or a kinkster who wants to heighten your BDSM sexual experience, Ultimate Guide to Bondage: Creating Intimacy through the Art of Restraint will be your how-to, (and your how-not-to) guide. Author Mistress Couple, who has experience as a slave and as a dominatrix, promises to take the reader “for a journey into the complex world of erotic bondage.” An interesting read, the book also features essays at the end so you can feel like a voyeur peeking into the kinky sex lives of others. “The UPS guy likes delivering packages to our house now, says Couple, “because he has accidentally walked into ongoing BDSM scenes.”
The book explains the various forms of bondage, including Japanese rope bondage, device bondage (using physical restraint), mental bondage (mind control), objectification bondage, sensation bondage, costume bondage, sensory deprivation bondage, fetish bondage, physically stressful bondage, predicament bondage and suspension bondage. Oh, and self bondage. (Explain that one when you’re calling 911.)
This useful book also explores theories and tips for consent and safety, because, let’s face it, some of this stuff is scary and dangerous (which is why people like it so much.) For adrenaline junkies who want to up the excitement factor, the book discusses the “pain scale,” verbal communication and safewords, and physical communication such as “hand squeezing” when things get too intense. Pre-negotiating sexual activities is essential, because people who do the most extreme stuff need the most extreme communication. Even if you don’t want to do all the kinky stuff outlined in the book, at least you’ll read about the weird shit other people do and what you might want to do. Anyone for getting stuffed into a gigantic balloon and then having it popped?
The book is published by Cleis Press.
Radical Ideas
Before I even started reading Rebel Love: Break the Rules, Destroy Toxic Habits, and Have the Best Sex of Your Life, it had me at the dedication: “This book is dedicated to “the radicals and rebels who live bravely outside the box.”
In an era where people are obsessed with how they look, how many likes they get on Instagram, and how they can brand themselves to become famous, the book’s author, Dr. Chris Donaghue, returns to the whole idea of authenticity, especially in dating and relationships. “What leads to the best sex of your life?” is just one of the concepts explored in the book, all discussed from a hip, unconventional and refreshingly thoughtful sex therapist’s perspective.
“The key,” says Donaghue, is radical “honest sexuality,” which he says “creates intimacy” in relationships. “Discussing your kinks and fantasies is one of the most powerful things we can do,” he says. “It makes us all “super vulnerable.” Stop caring what people think of you or your sexuality,” he says. It will set you free. Agree, shame always cuts down on the smokin’ hot sex.
Despite the fact that his office is filled with “wounded” hearts, “sex positivity is radical, revolutionary, and provides much needed liberation” he says. The forward is written by Amber Rose, who calls Dr. Chris her “work husband” and with whom she co-hosts The Amber Rose Show with Dr. Chris. She says they have “pushed each other to dismantle and challenge for the problematic forces that oppress people’s true sexualitites.” Plus, she says “Chris works tirelessly to challenge slut-shaming and sexism.” We’re just glad someone is working on it.
“Ask for the type of sex you want, never allowing a partner to sexually shame you,” the book advises. Instead of buying into the bullshit that men are studs and women are sluts, there is no such thing as a “slut.” Instead she is “sexually confident,” which sounds much more empowering.
Body self-acceptance is another rebellious concept he addresses. It’s the perfect resistance to people are getting plastic surgery so they look good in their Instagram selfies. “Focus on the moment” he tells his clients, “not what you look like. That will bring you pleasure.”
“Dr, Chris,” as he is known, is a former licensed social worker/LCSW turned certified sex therapist/PhD who sees private clients and took over for Dr. Drew when he left KROQ’s Loveline call-in radio show. He traces his own sexual story in the book, revealing his own honest revelation that at one point he also found himself attracted to men. His work has roots in “feminism, social justice, and queer theory” and his wisdom is perfect for anyone, no matter what their sexual preference is. “Prioritize relationships and intimacy” he says,”more touching, more kissing, more hugging,” even if you’re not a hugger. “All-day flirting leads to better sex,” he says.
And what does he think about porn? “Watch porn together,” he says. In his therapy practice he sees that “porn helps save relationships because they give the higher sex drive partner another sexual outlet that still honors monogamy.”
The book also explores non-monogamy for anyone who wants to be in a “thruple,” and helps out the single people out there. ”Don’t be boring,” he says. Go out of your comfort zone. Even if you work a lot, date more.”
The book also addresses consent and encourages everyone not to be an asshole. “If you consistently push people beyond their sexual limits, play the texting game, or ghost people,” he says, “you need to work on yourself. Oh, and “be more sensitive when you break up with someone.” Rebel Love is a helpful and healing book, which will lead you to a happier love life.
The book is published by Running Press.
Anka Radakovich is a sex columnist who wrote a column for Details magazine. She is the author of three books, including her newest, The Wild Girls Club, Part 2. She is also a certified sexologist. Follow Anka Radakovich on Twitter: @ankarad.
