Anka Radakovich's Sexplorations column ran in the January 2020 issue of AVN magazine. See the digital edition here.
Whether you’re single or in a relationship, the new year is perfect for resetting your sex life, whether you are having one or not.
It’s the time to make a list of all of the sexual things you didn’t do last year, and the things you want to do this year. According to what couples tell me, men want more sex, while women want better sex with the person who wants more sex.
Let’s be honest. If you’re in any kind of relationship, there are things you’d like to change sex-wise with the person you are having sex with. So you might as well use the new year as an excuse to discuss the issues you’ve been too scared, or embarrassed, to bring up. Speak up. The good news is that there is always someone out there who is a bigger pervert than you are.
1. Tell Them What You Really Think
People should talk about sex more with the person(s) they are having sex with. The people who do the weirdest shit discuss first. There’s some before-sex negotiation involved in tying someone up to the couch, then leaving them to go grocery shopping. And some discussion is needed before shoving giant sex toys up someone else’s butt.
Sex educator Reid Mihalko of ReidAboutSex.com says, ”If you share the things you think might end the relationship and the relationship doesn’t end, you’re having a relationship.” Reid advises, “Make a New Year’s resolution to practice saying what you’re not saying. It’s what we don’t say that erodes the intimacy in relationships. This includes the positive stuff, too. Withheld appreciations over time end up damaging the relationship as much as our resentments.” Try using Reid’s “Difficult Conversation Formula,” he says, “to exercise your adulting muscles in the New Year.”
Dr. Jessica O’Reilly of SexWithDrJess.com says you can’t go wrong with giving more compliments. “Compliment your partner every day. Don’t hold back. Let them know how wonderful they are.”
2. Talk About What’s Bothering You
You can’t change what you don’t bring up. Instead of being mad at each other and shutting down, talk to each other about what’s bothering you. If you hate something your partner is doing, whether it’s something relationship-y, or something sexual, like ejaculating in 10 seconds, discuss. Each of you should write down three things you think could be improved, phrased in the positive, as opposed to “You blow your load so fast I rarely have an orgasm and am secretly pissed off afterward.” Instead say, “I think if you would slow down more, and if we could make out longer, it would give me a chance to warm up and have more orgasms.” Radical honesty = frequent orgasms.
3. Stop Cheating
If you’re cheating on the person you’re supposed to be in love with, it’s time to stop. If you’re trolling for other married cheaters on sites like Ashley Madison, you should choose between three options:
A) Go to a marriage counselor or sex therapist and work through it with the help of a third person.
B) ”Open up” the relationship to other people, start swinging, and go “poly” by having an open marriage and multiple partners with no guilt
C) Break the fuck up and stop torturing each other.
4. Go Out of Your Comfort Zone
Try something different, even if it sounds “wild.” If you’re married or in a long-term relationship, do something crazy, like a “walk through” a swinger’s party, just to take a look and get turned on. You don’t have to participate. Just watch. If it’s your first time, it will blow your mind. And it will turn you on for later. And you don’t have to go back and have sex with a bunch of other couples, unless, of course, you want to.
Have sex in a new place. Don’t have sex the same way, the same time, and in the same position. Try Tantric sex. Tantra is a whole, fascinating sex world unto itself. And it’s fun. Your sex life will never be the same. Start with a book, like Tantra for Erotic Empowerment.
“Learn something new together,“ says Dr. Jess. “Break your routine and try a new activity together (salsa dancing, knife throwing) that challenges you to expand your comfort zones. In doing so, you may find that your feelings for one another shift toward excitement and curiosity as you reactivate the chemicals in your brain associated with new love.”
5. Skip the Apps and Meet IRL
If you’re single and trying to date, get out more. Meet new people in real life instead of getting ghosted, bread crumbed and benched by the 50 percent of people on Tinder and other dating sites looking for relationships who are pretending they aren’t already in relationships or married. Meet people in “target rich” environments. If you are a foodie, go to food and wine events. If you love movies, go to film festivals; books, go to book festivals. Meet someone you have something in common with. You never know where you might find love, like the hottie I met on the plane.
6. Be Kinkier Together
If you’re in a relationship, make a list of five sexual fantasies you want to try. Have your partner do the same. Out of the five, see which fantasies match, discuss first and mentally prepare beforehand, then just do it. Establish a comfort zone, like the performers at Kink.com always do, by using the words “green light,” “yellow light” and “red light” to stop at any time and to keep things from getting awkward.
7. Advice for the Ladies
Stop focusing on your body imperfections, and instead focus on your pleasure. When a man is having sex with you, he is focusing on what turns him on, not what doesn’t. “I’m not going to have sex with you tonight, because my stomach looks fat,” said no man ever.
Wishing you a happy, fun, pleasurable, playful and orgasmic new year.
Anka Radakovich is a certified sexologist, sex educator and author of three best-selling books, including her latest, The Wild Girls Club, Part 2. She has written columns about sex and relationships for Details, British GQ, Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Redbook and Cosmopolitan. She is now a columnist for Brides, and a screenwriter who writes romantic comedies filled with dick jokes. Follow her on Twitter: @ankarad.
