Paradise Marketing Fills Bill Gates' Order for Next-Gen Condom

VISTA, Calif.—Bill Gates raised the question, and the Paradise Marketing team believes they have found the answer.

Last week the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation’s Grand Challenges in Global Health research organization offered $100,000 to anyone who can invent a new condom that “significantly preserves or enhances pleasure” and eliminates some or all of the negative connotations associated with condom use.

In the wake of that offer, Paradise Marketing is launching the AF1 Condom, bringing what they say is a technologically superior prophylactic to millions of users through the company's massive distribution channel. Paradise executives are confident they’ve found what Microsoft founder Gates is looking for: the “next generation condom.”

And we have to admit, the press release we got this morning Paradise had us pretty excited. Check out these amazing features:

• The AF1 is made using patented Inviserect technology derived from the components of NASA’s aerogel to create an almost invisible condom that enhances the user experience and promotes regular use;

• Speaking of aerogel, the Paradise press release notes that this high-tech component generates a "slight magnetic charge," which means users of the condoms might feel "a constant—but sometimes pleasant—tug toward true north";

• AF1 condoms are sealed at both ends to prevent leakage of biohazards and other substances;

• The condoms self-destruct 30 seconds after use for quick and easy disposal;

• And as the icing on the cake, so to speak, AF1 is made of 100 percent gluten-free, vegan-friendly latex with a high-fiber, low-trans-fat content.

“AF1 is a revolutionary new product that will change the way men and women think, talk and obsess about sex,” a company spokesman said. “In order to entice people to use them, we knew we’d have to think outside the box and get a little trendy. And when our head scientist Frank found a way to make AF1 gluten-free while also incorporating that cool aerogel stuff, we knew we had it in the bag for the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. There’s not much else we can say about the AF1 Condom other than it’s going to get so many people laid.”

In line with Microsoft’s tradition, the Paradise Marketing team currently is working on version 2.0, to which users will be required to update at a yet-to-be-announced time. Rumors circulating that AF1 2.0 will be helium-filled could not be confirmed by post time.

So there you have it. We're quite impressed, and eager to try a condom that also will serve as a relatively effective antidepressant, and comes in Original and Extra Crispy varieties ...

Uh, Extra Crispy? That's just too good to be true.

For more about other ways to actually enhance your sex life, visit

The aforementioned press release from Paradise Marketing was the standout of the day—that day being, notably, April 1. Honorable mentions go to the following news items:

• The Anti-Defamation League has filed a lawsuit in United States Federal Court against X-Play and adult movie director Will Ryder for their use of midgets in the upcoming porn musical Not the Wizard of Oz XXX. According to this bombshell announcement, the complaint further states that "at no time did producers Scott David and Jeff Mullen allow little person Stella Marie to audition for the lead role of Dorothy even though she was fully capable and qualified with extensive vocal and dance training from the prestigious Eastman School of Music in Rochester, New York." According to Sigmund Livingdale, the senior legal counsel for the ADL, “Having people play Munchkins and to further degrade them by not granting them an audition for the lead role simply because they are vertically challenged is something that should never happen.”

• The small Amish township of Blue Ball in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, will be officially known as Pornhub for the month of April following the acceptance of a $1 million cash offer made by the adult entertainment website. “We’re still in shock that our offer was accepted by the residents of Blue Ball,” Pornhub Vice President Corey Price was quoted as saying in a company release. “We identified many townships to work with when putting this proposal together, but we couldn’t get past the fact that is the perfect cure for blue balls,” Price added. “While isn’t the first company to take over a town name, this instance is likely to be the most controversial or humorous, depending which way you look at it.”