LOS ANGELES — LELO has revealed a cheeky list of "alternative uses" for your vibrator.
The premium sex toy company declares "holidays are over, but the cheerful atmosphere is still present.
"Especially if one of your Christmas gifts was a sex toy—a gift that keeps on giving, right? There is no better way to start the New Year than by exploring your body and desires. But, while you're in seven heavens, you may leave your sex toy hanging somewhere where it could catch someone's eye. What then? How to explain that to your parents, siblings, even your pets? How will you explain to your dog that's not a toy for him or your mother that that's just a massager, but she can't lend it from time to time?
"Confused looks from their face and the awkward situation can stay forever in your memory. But, don't worry, 'cause LELO got your back! We prepared a guide with legit excuses you can use if someone finds your partner in crime."
Trendy makeup
There are ways to make your daily makeup routine exciting, but what’s more exciting than using a vibrator? According to some makeup pioneers (trendsetters, obviously), using an egg vibrator is a great way to put on makeup since the vibration makes it go on nicely. Have a go, and let us know how it went...
Other than egg vibrator fad, there is a trend on Tik Tok where people use sex lubricants as makeup primers, saying it helps their foundation go on smoothly. Even though it sounds interesting, maybe it would be best to use lube just on your genitals, not on your face, too. If you have excess lubricant, you can use it to get out of all sorts of household jams. Isn’t that a better idea?
Pollinate your veggies and fruits
Eggplants, peaches, cherries… all need pollination to grow. When there is strong enough vibration (such as wind) to shake plants and flowers, pollen will fall off a single flower during flowering. When there is no natural wind in the greenhouse, the fruits and vegetables need to be vibrated by mechanical means, such as electric toothbrushes, blowers or bumblebees, to release pollen. Or vibrators?
According to Joseph Lofthouse, World Tomato Society ambassador, the vibrator is a great pollinator because it mimics the shaking motion of the tomatoes' natural pollinators—they vibrate strongly. Since he started using vibrators to pollinate his tomatoes, he is getting better and larger fruits. There you have it... We know that Covid lockdown emerged a lot of "natural-born gardeners," so this could be a great story to tell if your friend sees your sex toy. Having a plant near would make the story believable… just saying.
Master perfect vocal tone
"What's this?" "Oh… just my… throat relaxer so I can sing better." Sounds fake? Not at all, hear us out. According to research at the University of Alberta, holding a vibrator against the throat relaxes its muscles, which eases vocal fatigue and improves the overall sound quality of a voice. This may sound like a strange technique, but the university's professor, Dr. David Ley, has used vibration therapy to successfully increase the vocal energy of 150 subjects, including stage singers and actors. Subjects who have used this therapy discover that it gives their voices more range and fullness.
The best part is that they used LELO Siri—an accessory every diva needs to have! We are just wondering, is Siri behind Mariah Carey's insane riffs and runs? Pretty sus to us.
No more runny nose and mastitis pain
Another use of vibrators is for health problems. Not all, but some—yes... If you have clogged sinuses or a runny nose, place the vibrator on your face. Depending on where you're clogged, you can put it between your eyes, under your eyes or even on both sides of your nose. You will see it works like magic every time. Don't you just love that feeling when you unclog your nose and then remember how ungrateful you were when you could breathe normally? Same.
And now, all mothers gather around. We have a useful secret just for you. If you develop mastitis while breastfeeding your child, you can use the vibrator on the lump to break it up while massaging it at the same time. First, we recommend that you put some warm compress for a few minutes and then rub the lumps with a vibrator. We know that mastitis is a very painful situation, so we hope this advice helps...
Butt plug - solution for every problem
Butt plugs are new Swiss knives... They are just perfect for everything. If you're not using them at the moment for their intended purpose, you can use it to clog a sink or plug a wine bottle, so the wine doesn't go bad. Maybe it will have some extra spice, but you never know - perhaps you'll like it.
The best way to use a butt plug is as a doorstop... You can never find a good doorstop in the store, or you just forget to buy one. Be eco-friendly and reuse that butt plug (you know which one) to stop banging the door at your walls. It’s a very blessed situation to have a butt plug laying around the house. Butt plug - person's best friend! Sorry dogs, we still love you tho.
Master of your car radio
Don't you just hate it when you're driving with someone, and they keep changing radio stations? Us too! It’s time to put an end to that... Next time some Karen tries to change the radio station, reach underneath your seat, grab dildo, smack them and immediately put it back under your seat. Some other ideas are a whip, anal beads, bondage ropes… you name it. Enjoy music and your ride. And advice for others, don't be like Karen and leave the radio station alone, please! Or you'll get smacked. Dildo smacked.
Oh, and driver? Don't forget to remove the dildo/whip/ropes before your annual technical inspection for the car. You don't really want to use your five seconds of glory for that.
