LAS VEGAS—The first AVN Novelty Expo (ANE) seminar for January 24 tackled a subject that many retailers and other adult-oriented vendors face: How to talk to religious customers and others whose faiths may create conflicts with their quests for sexual enjoyment.
The panelists included ShaRonda Parker, a Louisiana retailer who said that she doesn't run a "sex shop," but rather a "sexual health and wellness" store; Kim Airs, the legendary owner of the Cambridge, Mass., store Grand Opening and a 25-year veteran of the pleasure products industry; and Dr. Nikki Goldstein, a sexologist and sex educator from Australia who's worked with religious leaders in her home territory.
Parker, whom moderator Sherri L. Shaulis described as the inspiration for the current panel, began by noting that the Deep South is the heart of the Bible Belt, and that everything is steeped in religion, including sex, and that many sexual practices that others consider completely normal are thought of as wrong, sinful or unclean. A former school teacher, Parker sees her task as one of "freeing people" from some of their sexual preconceptions, in part by opening her retail outlet and also by partnering with churches to educate them on sexual issues in a way that respects their religious sensibilities.
For her part, Airs noted that she'd opened her store outside of Boston in a very Catholic area, and that as part of her business, she saw it as her duty to help her customers overcome some of the unfortunate sexual attitudes they'd picked up from the religion, their parents and other societal influences.
"Everybody's doing the exact same thing as anywhere else," Airs said she responded when others questioned her choice of retail location. "And it just depends on how tight they pull that bedroom door."
Goldstein, who doesn't have a retail outlet ("Yet," she noted), told of how more orthodox Jews tend to be more conservative sexually than more liberal believers, and that in her home territory, the Gold Coast, was not overly religious, but that in her travels, she had come across all levels of religiosity, and had to learn to deal with them.
"I spoke to this [Jewish] philosopher who told me it was kosher to have anal sex as long as the man finished off inside the woman," she reported.
She also stated that her own (rather liberal) rabbi acknowledged that there is a relative lack of education regarding sex toys, and that "when it comes to a religious couple, everything to do with sex is about increasing intimacy … how you can reconnect together and increase intimacy." She saw that as an important goal in sex education generally.
All of the participants agreed that the best way to approach getting religious conservatives to consider adding sex toys to their bedroom activities was to "think small."
"Especially if you're talking to a woman with all the same issues and everything, if she goes home with a realistic one like this," Airs said with her hands spread wide apart, "it's going to be grounds for divorce."
Parker noted she had done "tasteful" presentations to local parishioners in church, with the aim of increasing marital intimacy, using such words as "stimulator" or "massager" rather than "vibrator," but observed that as long as "the marital bed is undefiled," religious people are fairly open about what they'll consider doing. She also handed out candy kisses and coupon books at a church holiday party that netted her 15 new couples customers. "That little coupon book opened them up to so much other stuff," she said, adding that "they are a very sensitive group."
"You have to give people your permission and let them know it's OK," she summarized, "because what I've found is, the church uses guilt and sin and they basically play on people's emotions. It's a form of social control, and they're like, 'We're doing it for their own good because if we don't put boundaries on people, they're going to wonder about this, this and the other, and what they have to learn is, it's okay to walk in your freedom."
She also approaches the issue of birth control with some of them, having told them, "If you know that your family's complete, then there are different things that you can do to not have to take birth control, but to still be able to not have another baby."
Airs stated that another taboo subject sometimes comes across is ED—erectile dysfunction—which she said men are afraid to discuss but are hungry for advice. "People will tell you their most intimate secrets within two minutes," she said, "so you need to have that compassion and knowledge to let them know it's okay."
For Goldstein, the three most important concepts in getting the religious to overcome their fear of sexual topics are "Educate, normalize and collaborate—get people to talk about things like desire, intimacy." She gave the example of a woman who doesn't have orgasms blaming her husband's penis for the lack, when according to Goldstein, what she really needs in the right sex toy.
"Get yourself into the mainstream to normalize yourself," she advised. "If you can jump on TV, radio, podcasts—and I'm not talking specifically about things with the word 'sex' in them—really mainstream stuff, and this is where you can change your language. If you're a pleasure product provider, you are an intimacy enhancer expert, and take the word 'sex' out of it. People can get very fearful when they go, 'Oh, you're the girl who sells rubber dicks.' "I'm not selling rubber dicks; I am helping couples enhance intimacy.'"
Airs suggested that most of what the panelists have said regarding educating religious people could also be applied to the medical community, which often is ignorant about sexuality. She said that giving them samples of sexual products could help.
Shaulis then opened the floor for questions, and Beth Liebling, owner of Darling Way Boutique in Houston, suggested referring to toys as "romantic props."
"I tell everybody, when you shut the bedroom door, you should be able to see a different show in your bedroom in your real life just like on your TV," she said, "and when I talk about props that can be kept in a prop closet, it helps them realize that those are extras, and for men who sometimes are afraid and they say, 'Oh, she's gonna like that better than me,' I tell them, 'Nobody ever goes to the theater to see the props. The props are there to make the stars shine and make the show come to life.'"
Much of the discussion centered around how to reach people who, because of upbringing or philosophy, can't quite seem to grasp the idea that sexual pleasure is OK, especially within marriage.
"Sometimes when you're dealing with people who are closed-minded, sometimes you just can't change certain people, what they feel, how they feel," said Parker. "Don't let that have any bearing on you and what you have to offer to the next person. Don't let them discourage you, because I've learned over the years, some people are just set in their ways, but you have a new generation of young people who want to be set free, want to be liberated, so you be that person for them."
In response to a questioner who said she lived in a very conservative area, Parker noted that her store doesn't carry any explicit DVDs, just toys and lingerie and other more benign merchandise. Goldstein advised carrying items in the store that are not explicitly sexual, but rather "sensual and beautiful." Parker also added the concept of starting small, saying that a bullet vibe is most women's first toy, and the fact that they use and enjoy that may allow them to consider other, perhaps bigger toys.
All in all, the audience appeared to have heard advice that would stand them in good stead in their communities, and might even allow them to help people of faith gain new insights and pleasures in their own sexuality.
Pictured, l-r: Dr.Nikki Goldstein, Kim Airs and Sharonda Parker.
