CHATSWORTH, Calif.—ANE’s Thursday afternoon seminar took aim at the state of the BDSM sex toy market with a freewheeling Zoom meeting featuring an experienced, informed, professional, and at times theatrical lineup of unabashed kinksters each of whom possesses innate empathies into the desires of their clientele and the products that fuel those passions.
The 45-minute panel, presented by Satisfyer, was nothing short of a hoot, with plenty of great one-liners, tons of insight into very ... um, tight communities, and a tremendous amount of pride in the specificity and quality of the products made and sold, a few of which were pulled out for hands-on demos. Even over Zoom, that’s when the room started to get a little hot.
The lineup included Josh Ortiz from XR Brands; Kristin Moore from Boneyard; Danny Winters from Leather by Danny, who was representing manufacturers; and Hudson P. of Toolshed Toys in Milwaukee, who discussed BDSM from the retail level. The moderator was the ubiquitous, multi-faceted Kim Airs, whose barely constrained delight in letting her kink flag fly was one of the palpable pleasures of the seminar.
The title was “BDSM: Selling Kink to the Vanilla Crowd,” which the presenters were anything but. Despite the perhaps required nod to Fifty Shades of Grey, which first hit paydirt as a romance novel published in 2011, the panel was about life after those halcyon days. But there was bile in the bedroom. The popularity of the seminal books and the movies that followed fueled a boon in sex toy business the industry had never seen, while simultaneously there existed nary a single practitioner of the fine, dark arts who was not filled with dread at the nonsensical nature of the works. Despite the friction, the business Fifty Shades fueled in an otherwise kink-somnambulant populace was roundly embraced by the industry at large, a grip that may finally be starting to loosen, according to the knowledgeable panel.
“We all remember the impact Fifty Shades made,” said Hudson, in reply to a question about how to keep the vanilla crowd’s interest 10 years on. “It opened people's minds to things they hadn't thought of before, but in a lot of ways, it wasn't helpful in that it created expectations that might not be reasonable or helpful. But now that we're over that, I think it's just about having a good selection of products that pique people's interest, and just being that wonderful, warm kind of place where you can ask something that you might feel a little trepidation about.”
To that end, his store is purposefully education driven. “We’re open to people feeling safe to ask those kinds of questions. It's about creating an atmosphere where people can open that door with us so that we can say, ‘Oh, yeah, you know, come on over to this part of the store and let's show you some things that we have.’”
Winters from Leather by Danny agreed that Fifty Shades was impactful, but not in a particularly helpful way. “Fifty Shades of Grey basically blew it up and brought people in with misconceptions and misunderstandings of what is expected or allowed,” he said. “For me, dealing with it more at the conventions and things like that, it was a real pain, because it brought people in who thought they knew what they were doing because they watched the movie and read three articles on the internet, but who would walk in and just grab someone's tit.
“I was more impressed with the efforts of Hudson and people like him, who helped pioneer the transition period in the 1980s and ‘90s of the dirty bookstore moving away from that image into an education, a place where people could learn not just about kinky stuff, but about health stuff,” he added. “That's what I really feel has been critical in activism, and I'm thrilled when I work with smaller companies or stores like Hudson's, that take a more educational approach to trying to do outreach as well as to make a dollar. I just know that my first bookstore at 18, to try to go buy some stuff, was a very different experience than an 18-year-old [has] going out now.”
“That’s for sure,” responded Airs.
Moore from Boneyard also had clear memories of the Fifty Shades phenomenon. “I do remember when Fifty Shades came out,” she said. “I remember throwing that book across the store.” After the laughter died down, she continued, “I was so angry with it, actually. And I'm so glad Hudson said something because I was hesitant, like are we allowed to talk about the fact that ... it's just wrong. With many of the things they recommend or talk about, I was worried that people were going to get hurt. So, my first thing is, especially when you're talking about what kind of education do you give them, you [should] give them all the education you possibly know. Unfortunately, it does kind of fall on the retailers to make sure they're educated in all the different products, and not just in what we are personally interested in. Making sure that your retailers, your cashiers, and your sales associates have that background, or at least know the tools available to know what to tell a customer.
“If you have a customer that walks in and they're interested in any sort of bondage,” she continued, “teaching them the right way to tie somebody up so that they're not going to hurt themselves can be very intricate. Especially when it comes to using products. Making sure that they're using them correctly and with the right lubrications or the right accessories is a big deal, because I know my biggest fear as a retailer was that I was going to have a customer get hurt after using some sort of product they read about on a blog after they read Fifty Shades of Grey.”
Airs pointed out that “the crux of selling kinky stuff to the vanilla crowd is the education around it, but when we wholesale anything, there are gaps between being the manufacturer and the store, whether it's online or a real store.” Addressing Ortiz from XR, a wholesaler, she asked him, “What should the wholesaler do to address education to the store?”
“So, with XR, that’s me,” replied Ortiz. “My role is not sales related at all. I am a sex educator, and I have been a professional dom for the last seven years. At XR, we employ people that are also involved in the community. If it's something I would not bring or use in my dungeon on my subs, you're not going to see it on your store shelves. And that's the way we conduct [ourselves], but when it comes to us really realizing that our stuff is out there, like the balls-stretching humbler, I am delighted. But I also want to make sure you don't rip your testicles off, because they are super expensive to replace, I want to make sure that you don't get a prolapse in your anus unless you want to. I want to make sure that you know how to do it. So, pre-COVID, my entire job was traveling 80 percent of the year, going to your stores, not so much to sell you something, because I don't make a dollar if you buy a damn thing. What I care about is that you know how to use it.
“What Fifty Shades of Grey did was that it awakened the curiosity, the sexuality of the middle-aged soccer mom,” he added. “That was kind of the intention. It was done horrifically, and as a dom, I do not condone any fucking part of Fifty Shades of Grey; it cannot sit with me. But it did its job. Our job is giving people permission to explore a little bit more and get into some of the black and silver boxed things that are the nastiest.”
Airs wondered if it helps with product sales if members of the sales staff are also into kink. “Are they kind of automatically better salespeople than people that may not be so familiar with the scene?” she asked.
“No,” said Hudson. “There's nothing that automatically makes someone better at these things. And sometimes, when we're enthusiastic about our own particular interests, that can be positive and negative on the sales floor. I think especially when people are new to anything, they want quick, easy things that are simple to dive into. We want to just buy something that’s going to be magic, or a pill, or something that's going to just get us kind of going into whatever our area of interest is. The fist all the way in.
“But when you're in that state of mind, we found that no matter what it is, kinky interests or anything, people want whatever is the best thing. What's the thing that you use? Tell me the secret, the magic code. You're the person who works here, so certainly you must know what the best vibrator is. And we all know that there is no one best thing for everyone, particularly when it comes to kinky stuff. This is all about learning about yourself, and negotiation, and figuring out what the things are that are magical to you, as opposed to that book you read that was terrible, or what you saw in a movie, or what you saw in porn.
“And I think it can become really easy to then identify with said kinky salesperson, who really is into all of these things we are talking about, and there's a temptation at that point to kind of jump in with your own personal stuff. And that can lead people down to an idea of, ‘Oh, kink should look this way, or flogging should be this way, or this type of flogger is the best flogger, because the salesperson was super into it. That one that might not be the best flogger for you. I think there's some give and take with that. I think people need to walk a line. Obviously, it helps when people do have personal experience that's going to bring a perspective, especially when they have got kink community experience, and they kind of know the lay of the land and how this does tend to work when you're in an actual case setting. But on the other hand, you've always got to be careful not to get too enthused about what your own specific kinky, fun stuff is, because that person is like a blank canvas. It’s always about am I listening to my customer.”
Moore concurred, but added that vanilla selling to vanilla could also be problematic. “If you are in the community and in the lifestyle, it's going to make you more knowledgeable, and if you're listening to what [the customer is] interested in, you’ll be able to tell them how to start their research and [suggest] the best range of items for them to choose from.”
She added that ideally, a BDSM sales staffer, whatever they are into, will not be just a good salesperson, but also “a good sex educator, a good person who's working in health and wellness and within our industry and what it's become. They’re still going to be knowledgeable; they're still going to know [about a product] even if they don't like it. There are certain things I don't like but I know a ton about them. I do a killer training on sounding. I don't have a penis, at least not one attached to my body. So, as long as your sales team is well educated, it really shouldn't matter.”
The one alternate view belonged to Danny, who said he takes “kind of the opposite approach, in that I am way over the top enthusiastic about my toys. I have the added advantage that most of the people that are coming into my booth have already gotten themselves to a kink convention, but in my experience, I get feedback from people without them even realizing it. They're not into spanking toys but something else, so you move into that. Educated is great, but having resources also is important. Half the time, people are asking me questions about whatever, they're very new, and being able to tell them there are resources out there, explaining to them that there are things like munches (informal BDSM gatherings). There's also FetLife, which has its ups and downs, but as far as a resource for them to find out or talk to somebody about a specific interest they have, I’ll bet that someone else has it also.”
Danny added that the more important thing he believes staff needs to be trained in is consent. “Both to make sure their staff understands what consent is and knows how to help the customer they're talking with about consent,” he clarified, “but also to make sure there isn't an inappropriate exchange in the store with showing the customer something.”
Ortiz agreed that having an educator on staff “is what makes the difference. I think if we're well versed in all of the things, we can be exactly what's needed. I don’t have to understand or be into your thing, but it doesn’t mean I can’t know about it. So, I don't think it necessarily helps per se having someone that's kinky in a store setting, but in the manufacturer setting, it does.” He added that Kinkly.com also is “a phenomenal resource to just learn some really good stuff on your own time.”
Airs then asked if customer demand ever drives product creation. Hudson answered the question tangentially. “I feel like manufacturers have stepped it up with mass produced items that you usually would have to find from a local artisan,” he said. “I think of humblers (a device worn around the testicles in a way that it mobilizes the user in a humbling position). For years, we had our humblers made locally by a local artisan, and that’s where we got our humblers.” But now you can find them in the XR catalog. “So what once was something you had to get specially made is now pretty widely available to anybody who's buying wholesale from XR. So, yes, I have seen more mass-produced items that are on the cutting edge of kink than maybe even five years ago, and I feel like that is a trend.”
Interestingly, he added, if he sees something interesting that is new or homemade, “I’m going to bring one of them in to see what happens. Because inevitably, someone buys it because they're excited to finally see it in a store. It’s a real mixed bag, but I feel like if you put it on the floor, there is someone out there who was dying to get it.”
Nearing the end of the session, the conversation segued into a wild and crazy show-and-tell of actual products, including Boneyard’s best-selling Piss Holer sounders and anal beads, which Moore proudly displayed but did not demonstrate. She also detailed the all-important quality of the material and craftmanship that goes into making these products, a point the panelists said cannot be exaggerated when it comes to ensuring a safe sex play experience. “My sex toy broke” is not something anyone wants to hear.
Danny then demoed a Leather by Danny slapping-type toy that could be adapted to several uses, including as a come-along, as well as one of the paddles he carries, one side padded, one side not. Ortiz followed with a scary looking fuck machine from XR Brands’ Love Botz line.
Suffice to say, words cannot do these items justice. We suggest looking for the seminar video for more information, or better yet, reserving time for a personal demonstration. But don’t say we didn’t warn you.
