CYBERSPACE—For some reason, Daily Beast writer Emma Mahony has trouble getting her mind around the idea that even after childbirth, some women (though apparently not Mahony herself) will want to look sexy, and the lacy offerings from burlesque artist Dita Von Teese might just fill that bill.
According to Mahony, "the very last thing that any new mother wants impressed upon her by a grateful husband or significant other" is a "lacy, underwired bra" from the Dita Von Teese Maternity Collection.
"Unless said partner is ready to be whacked over their head with the box for their thoughtlessness, they have made a grave mistake," Mahony claims. "If they so much as brush past those bosoms after birth, they can expect to feel the full force of the be-ribboned package on their head. Hell hath no fury like a woman whose breasts are engorged with milk, and watch her roar if they are touched by anyone other than her newborn’s tiny fingers."
Apparently, part of Mahony's problem is that Von Teese's nursing bras only go up to a size 40F, which Mahony describes as "relatively pimple-size," adding that, "Have they not told her that after Day One, as the bosoms expand from a comfortable B cup to a double H, J, K, even L cup, that a sensation akin to molten lava running through your breast ducts kicks in, and there needs to be space in your giant bra for a large cabbage leaf for nipple rub?"
Mahony's certainly correct that some accommodation should have been made for the nipple, but the idea that every woman who's had a child suddenly balloons from a B-cup (examples of those include Jennifer Aniston and Mary Tyler Moore) to "double-H" or larger (like Kitten Natividad's 38HH's or Minka's 70HH's) sounds more like Mahony projecting than what's likely to happen in real life. (Websites that provide breast size comparisons include this one and this one—and we can't help but note that both reference Jenna Jameson's tits pre-reduction—and that none of them include anyone with sizes J, K and L, though MMM seems mildly popular, at least among a small segment of adult performers.)
"New mothers want two hammocks made of soft, shapeless cotton sewn together and viewed only in a darkened room," claims Mahony, perhaps betraying her own sexual hang-ups. "No nursing bra should ever be outed in Von Teese’s signature pose, accessorized with a giant martini glass. They are about one thing only—comfort. It’ll be months before looks matter." (Maybe to you, Emma, but hardly to every woman.)
But Mahony's hang-ups are front and center in her article.
"As the mother’s primary maternal preoccupation kicks in, the baby and only the baby is your focus," Mahony claims, adding that "to look sexy is the very last thing on your mind. You don’t want to look sexy straightaway, in case your partner might ask you to have sex—which for most new mothers would be akin to starring in a hard-core fetish film, something that perhaps Von Teese should keep to in the future, building on her career in Decadence or Pin Ups 2."
Mahony gives props to Von Teese for "tak[ing] on the breastfeeding evangelicals with her range," warning that they "will pillory her for allowing those life-giving breasts to be turned into mere objects of male desire, rather than succour for baby.
"Von Teese may believe that she is some warped sort of feminist whose 'greatest achievement' is in 'having a hand in the revival of the Burlesque movement,' but the La Leche lot have spent decades making breastfeeding in public a non-sexy pastime, and they are not going to allow her to get away with a drop-down bra for titillation purposes, to bolster Her Sexellency Range," whatever that means.
Indeed, whatever it does mean doesn't seem to have stopped Olivia Wilde!
Frankly, more and more jurisdictions in the U.S. are making it clear that there's nothing illegal or immoral about a woman breastfeeding her infant in public, and it's not inconceivable that some of the women who choose to do so, understanding that they will be observed by passersby, even male ones, might want to show that they're not the fuddy-duddies mothers have been supposed to be since forever. And Mahony almost cedes that point.
"The truth is, there might be a slim possibility of wanting to wear something 'glamorous' and 'beautiful' perhaps six months down the line after birth, when the hormones have calmed down and the mastitis has worn out the old, comfy nursing bra," Mahony admits. "Then, and only then, if you are among the 45 percent of American mothers still breastfeeding, you might just be ready to splash out $55 on something that doesn’t resemble a grey wrinkled dishcloth."
However, the piece concludes with the admonition, "And no amount of fancy lace could ever have competed with the joy of sleep."
Sleep well, Emma; just don't assume that every new mother wants to feel and, perhaps as importantly, look as if she's doomed to suffer through several months of rubberized white nylon just when she's thinking that finally, after (let's say) seven months of an ever-expanding waistline, she's got a chance to look like her old sexy self again.
Pictured: Some of the Dita Von Teese Maternity Collection.
