*WARNING: These awards are intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. Any use of these awards for any medical purpose, or for a sue that has an adverse effect on any function of the human body or mind is prohibited. Do not use on unexplained calf pain.
COVER STORY: JULY 2007
THIRTY YEARS IN THE
HOLE NEVER SOUNDED SO GOOD
Back in 1977, when pubic hair was plentiful and fashionable,
Doc Johnson and Good Vibrations both opened their doors for business. Now,
three decades and countless orgasms later, they're still going strong-without
Viagra. Now that's staying power.
MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH,
NOT ON YOUR GLANS
Chocolate Walrus Boutique has garnered exposure in
newspapers like the Reno Gazette and Los Angeles Times for its array of
genital-shaped treats in butterscotch and chocolate flavors. Some of the
penis-shaped sweets are even wrapped with a condom. Vagina chocolates, however,
have yet to be packaged in a diaphragm or dental dam.
CAN YOU HOLD ON? I
HAVE AN ORGASM WAITING ON THE OTHER LINE.
Pleasure-tech master OhMiBod has brought phone sex-kicking
and screaming-into the 21st century. The new Boditalk is a cell-phone-activated
vibrator that runs through preset vibrating patterns while the user's phone is
active. As far as we can tell, using it does not affect your calling plan.
"DOG WHISPERER" JUST
SOUNDS CREEPY NOW
A French designer has created the HotDoll, the first sex toy
for canines. Despite the abundance of dog-whisperers, we doubt we'll ever know
how dogs really feel about the toy, but as long as Fido gets his nails trimmed beforehand,
it'll probably be "four paws up."
YES, BUT WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE TO THE TRAINED EYE?
In an appearance on The Late, Late Show, Kate Walsh of
Grey's Anatomy told host Craig Ferguson about Just In Case. Walsh gushed that
the "clever, ladylike invention promotes responsibility for safer sex-and to an
untrained eye it looks like a makeup compact."
IS THAT AN ELDORADO
CATALOG IN YOUR POCKET, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
Colorado-based distributor Eldorado carries so many products
that its gargantuan catalog has more pages than a Tolstoy novel and may cause a
hernia if improperly lifted (hint: Use your legs, not your back).
WE'RE STILL TRYING TO
ENVISION CAPTAIN STUBING WITH TATS AND A ROSE RING
In October, For Your Nymphomation will be sponsoring the
2007 Goth Cruise, a seven-day journey replete with DVD giveaways, fashion
shows, a masquerade ball, and a concert by VNV Nation. Be sure to pack your
waterproof eyeliner.
HONEY, YOU LEFT MY
DICK ON THE COFFEE TABLE AGAIN
Empire Labs Inc. has taken the phrase "forget me not" to an
entirely new level. The Clone-A-Willy/Pussy is available in edible and
non-edible varieties for anyone who wishes to provide that special someone with
a facsimile of his/her genitalia. Also perfect for narcissists who've always
wanted to go fuck themselves.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING
TO DECLARE?
A 26-year-old Ukrainian woman was arrested in Kiev after customs
officials found a vibrator stuffed with hashish in her suitcase. A police
spokesman said, "She told us that she had put the drugs in a vibrator because
she thought no one would ever think of touching it, let alone look inside it."
BECAUSE FOUR WOULD
HAVE BEEN OVERKILL
Pipedream's Vibrating Maximizer jelly cock ring features
three-count 'em-three individually controlled bullets that leave your loins
feeling like they've had a day at a health spa. Either that, or like they've
sat on the back of a Harley from Miami to Spokane. Regardless, this
baby does the trick.
NOTHING TO FEAR BUT
HOMOPHOBIA ITSELF
An increasing number of straight men are discovering what
gays have known all along-prostate play is out of this world. Aneros makes
extremely effective, medically designed tools that aid all men in achieving the
elusive P-spot orgasm-even homophobes. Show tunes sold separately.
NO WORRIES, THE BEAR
DIDN'T GET RESIDUALS, EITHER
Pipedream's Fist of Fury dildo practically stole the show in
the $100-plus-million-grossing Borat-yet the company received neither payment
nor screen credit. The fist now is appearing off-Broadway as "Biff Loman" in
"Death of a Salesman."
WHOEVER STOLE THE
DUCK, PLEASE RETURN IT-NO QUESTIONS ASKED
The Vibrating Bondage Duckie from Big Teaze Toys is so
alluring that it undoubtedly will bring out the klepto in your so-called
friends. Buy two, since the one you put out for display probably will turn up
missing next time you take a bath. Bastards.
AND SO ON, AND SO ON,
AND SCOOBY DOOBY DOO
We're stroked, er, stoked about Empowered Products, which
makes enough lube varieties to satisfy just about everyone-and we should know
because we tested them all. From the condom-safe Gun Oil for men and Jack
Jelly/Stroke 29 masturbation lubes to Pink and Frolic for women, Empowered
lubes provides different strokes for different folks.
HOW DO YOU SPELL
HEADACHE?
This year, many in the industry spelled it p-h-t-h-a-l-a-t-e-s.
IS THAT A CRAB ON
YOUR CROTCH OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
Unlike chocolate and peanut butter, crabs and genitals never
seemed to go well together. So, now that MyCraby has changed the name of a
couple of its Craby toys to Red Orgasm and Pinky Pleasure, we salute the
company's forward thinking, and hope it'll follow suit with the rest of its
kinky crustacean toys.
WHAT WILL THIS DO TO
"BOOKS ON TAPE"?
My Little Secret makes a vibe with a dirty mouth. The
Talking Head can read aloud downloadable erotic fiction, or-for a more
personalized experience-the user can record and play back his or her own dirty
talk, heavy breathing, or favorite Dick Cheney speeches.
SO THAT'S WHAT
BRIMSTONE SMELLS LIKE
With all the Christian-oriented novelty retailers opening
their doors recently, we cannot help but wonder why none of them carries the
Baby Jesus Butt Plug or the Jackhammer Jesus dildo. Is it the wholesale cost,
or maybe the prospect of burning in hell for eternity?
TONIGHT'S FORECAST IS
WET-REALLY WET
It remains a mystery if designers at njoy knew that the
company's pure wand inadvertently would turn thousands of unsuspecting women
into full-fledged ejaculators. Fortunately, Liberator's moisture-proof Fascinator
Throe is the perfect solution for keeping mattresses, couches, and shag carpet
squirt-free.
IS THAT A CHINCHILLA
IN YOUR DRESS, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
The most clever ad we've seen in a long time still gives us
a little chub, too.
GEE, YOUR CROTCH
SMELLS TERRIFIC
Pleasure Wipes from GS Wipes come in mango and strawberry
scents, but we're especially partial to the company's vanilla offering. One
wipe provides that fresh-baked Nilla Wafer smell to any groin. Finally, thanks
to Pleasure Wipes, oral sex now truly qualifies as "comfort food."
BITTE REICH MIR DAS
GLEITGEL
Fun Factory's packaging kicks ass, but we're especially
impressed with the German company's Toy Fluid (water based) and Body Fluid
(silicone based) 100-mL designs. Each lube comes in a cool, brushed-aluminum
bottle with a convenient pump dispenser, locking clip, and cap. Perfect for
your nightstand at home-or your favorite motel.
HEMINGWAY WOULD HAVE
LIKED 'EM
Nasstoys has cornered the market on minimalism when it comes
to the names of its sex toys: The Vibe, The Bullets, The Pocket Pal, The Ben Wa
Balls. We admire any company willing to tell it like it is.
GET ME A VAGINA, AND
STEP ON IT!
At last, the search for a sole mate is over.
Pioneer-Products' Sifeet is a full-scale rubber replica of a female foot,
complete with painted toenails, delicate ankles, and-wait for it-a realistic
vagina on the bottom. And you thought it was athlete's foot.
AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT ENDING UP IN REHAB
They make a pill for everything, so it's no surprise someone
packaged a panty in a pill bottle to appeal to our Rx-loving culture.
Prescription Panties from Spare Pair Ltd. ensure that you'll always have a
fresh pair on hand. Best of all, you can write your own refills.
IT ALWAYS TAKES A
WHILE FOR THE WEB TO CATCH ON
A keyword search for "phthalates + dildo recall" yields only
0.5 percent of the number of results for the terms "melamine + pet food
recall." Amazingly, a search for the term "dildo + pet food + Larry Storch"
yields no results at all.
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I
KNOW YOU ALREADY?
Bonus points to Freddy and Eddy of FreddyandEddy.com for
their sense of humor as well as the unabashed candor of their website. When it
comes to sex toys-and what they do with them-the duo always tell us everything
we ever wanted to know...and sometimes a little more.
IF THEY CAN PUT
CHEESE IN AN AEROSOL CAN...
Sure, the "snap, pull, go" action of the Pronto Condom makes
putting on a rubber almost effortless, but brace yourself for the SprayKondom.
This spray-on prophylactic should be ready to hit the market by 2008. So much
for the ozone layer.
IT'S A LIGHT,
FLAVORFUL WINE THAT GOES WELL WITH FRUIT, CHEESE, AND GENITALS
To circumvent the law, Japan's resourceful sex industry
now offers a wine bath for the gonads, followed by a mudpack for the penis. A
"happy ending" is included in the price of the package, but it costs extra to
sniff the cork.
WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES
WITH THAT?
Commenting on the toxicity of sex-toy materials, Al Bloom of
Cal Exotics mused, "Unless you're eating your dildos, I think you're safe."
Like the Dutch, we prefer ours with mayonnaise.
JUST IMAGINE THAT
YELLOW SMILEY FACE WEARING A BALL GAG
Arrr! There be pirates in these here waters, and Joel Tucker
appears to be their captain. JT's Stockroom already has boarded and acquired
Syren and Stormy Leather. We dare not speculate as to JT's next takeover, but
we hope it will be Wal-Mart.
TRESPASSERS WILL BE
VIOLATED
Size queens now can feel safer at night knowing the
2.8-pound stainless steel Eleven from njoy is in their nightstand. While the
11-inch metal monster can be a welcome intruder, it makes short order of the
unwanted variety, as well.
SUDDENLY, WE FEEL A
HEADACHE COMING ON
10 years ago, Finger-Fitting Products marketed its Fukuoku
9000 fingertip-control vibrator on primetime TV as a headache remedy. Although
the company long since has abandoned this marketing approach, the vibe still
remains wildly popular. Go figure.
OBVIOUSLY, THEY WERE
RIGHT.
When it comes to proofreading, our promo ad in the May issue
speaks for itself.
IS THAT POO ON YOUR
NIPPLES, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
It's hard to tell with Brass Head's Poop Nipple Clamps...
THERE'S NOT A DRY
SEAT IN THE HOUSE
Listen. Do you hear that wailing sound? When Topco Sales
officially stopped production of the e-glass Archer, it was a sad day for
G-spots everywhere. May we suggest that those already fortunate enough to own
one take extra special care of it?
WE WILL, WE WILL
MONKEY ROCK YOU
Electric "fucking machines" continue to grow in popularity,
but not everyone is enamored with the notion of a piston-powered penis.
Fortunately, the Monkey Rocker is an ingeniously designed "manual" sex machine
that operates on a modicum of human energy and allows for subtle variations in
motion that no machine could ever replicate. Seriously, this thing rocks, no
pun intended.
WOULD YOU LIKE A
BUTT-PLUG WITH YOUR CHAI LATTE?
Tabooboo vending machines can be found in the U.K. and Europe,
dispensing sex toys in innocuous locales like pubs and hair salons. We're
hoping they'll start showing up on our shores in places like coffeehouses and
the DMV, but we're not holding our breath.
HOW MANY CALORIES ARE
IN A SINGLE SERVING OF SUPER-DUPER BALLSY DONG, ANYWAY?
Kudos to Cal Exotics, which announced plans to list the
ingredients of its sex toys on all future product packaging. No word yet as to
whether or not the company plans one day to list "Nutrition Facts," as well.
RED ROVER, RED ROVER,
LET PACKAGING CROSS OVER
Kama Sutra and Lover's Choice both have achieved crossover
appeal with products that are sexy enough for any adult shop and contain
elegant packaging making them perfectly suited to infiltrate those
high-falutin' mainstream boutiques, as well.
NOW IF THEY'D JUST
MAKE ONE WITH A BUILT-IN TISSUE DISPENSER
Doc Johnson has streamlined the pleasure process with its
imaginative Duets vibe. The toy features a built-in lube dispenser, so you (or
that special someone) never will have to fumble around for the wet stuff again.
Proof positive that necessity is the mother of invention.
IT HURTS WHEN I GO
LIKE THIS, DOCTOR
If the devil finds work for idle hands, then he'll never get
the better of Deb Gibson and Bud Dunbar of Arabesque Body Creations and Design.
This duo has some of the busiest hands in the industry, creating custom silver
jewelry with an erotic flair, and are the proud recipients of
DAMN IT, JIM, I'M A DOCTOR,
NOT A LOVE MACHINE
Vagina, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the
Durex Play Little Gem. Her endless mission: to explore pink, wet folds, to seek
out new orgasms and new batteries, to boldly go where no vibe...well, you get the
idea. We're geeks, and it reminds us of the Enterprise. our "Most Likely to Get Carpal
Tunnel" award.
BUT WE DRAW THE LINE
AT GIANT SQUID
We don't quite comprehend the fascination with Japanese
octopus porn, but we fully understand the awesomeness of The Screaming O's
Octopus. The cute waterproof vibe is the perfect plaything for the bathtub, and
has convinced us that tentacles indeed can be sexy.
THEY USE CRYSTALS INSTEAD, RIGHT?
Commenting on the brouhaha over phthalates in sex toys,
Pipedream's Nick Orlandino quipped, "Tree huggers don't use vibrators anyway."
IS THAT "DOCTOR OF
GROOVINESS" BY ANY CHANCE?
Doc Johnson has been pulling out all the stops with some of
the most fetching packaging in the industry. From the psychedelically inspired
Lucid Dreams line to the sophisticated simplicity of the White Nights
collection, the Doc definitely has some mad design skills.
GET ME A STERILE
DOUBLE-DONG, STAT!
In the burgeoning toy cleaner market, we give top honors to
Pjur's Med Clean. It's not only alcohol-free, but antibacterial and antiviral
to boot. And that means less time at the sink and more time in the sack. Pjur
genius!
GREEN WITH ENVY
Environmentally friendly products are par for the course
with eco-conscious consumers, but how about eco-friendly sex toys? The
popularity of Babeland's Eco-Sexy Kit proves that, yes, tree huggers like sex
toys, too. (Sorry, Nick)
SHE'S NOT A DOCTOR
AND SHE DOESN'T PLAY ONE ON TV, BUT SHE'S REALLY WELL INFORMED
When it comes to women in the know, no one is more informed
and up to the minute than Ruth Chatfield of M.D. Science. OK, except for
Condoleezza Rice, maybe. But if there's breaking news on the
medical/pharmaceutical front, we probably heard it from Chatfield first. We
have to admit, though, it's kind of spooky when she phones us with our own lab
results.
AND WE USE THE TERM
"LADIES" VERY LOOSELY
Steve Bannister of BMS Enterprises was going for shock value
when he started waving around an enormous bullet vibe at the AVN show in
January, but the ladies seemed more intrigued than frightened by the oversized
contraption. Why are we not surprised?
I EVENTUALLY WILL
No stranger to campy, sexy, bachelorette party fare,
Pipedream Products keeps up the tradition with the Girl's Last Night Out
Survival Kit, which includes among other things Pecker Nose Glasses, a Pecker
Party Veil, and a Pecker Ring-Toss game. No doubt, wedding days everywhere are
being postponed.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
MARTHA STEWART WILL BE DOING IT
By making clean and simple gear, Sportsheets has brought bondage
to the masses. Karl Marx would be proud.
DON'T WORRY, HE'S
FREAKED OUT BY LENO'S CHIN, TOO
The Lickety Split chinstrap from Stormy Leather sent our
production artist running in fear when he saw it swaying from the chin of our
senior editor. They've since resolved their differences and now happily occupy
adjoining cubicles.
BUT SERIOUSLY,
FOLKS...
In what seems like a never-ending (and very pricey) legal
battle to keep her Alabama-based adult novelty outlets open, My Pleasures owner
Sherri Williams has taken her fight for freedom to the highest court in the
land-twice. In her effort to overturn Alabama's
draconian ban on selling sex toys, Williams has been a tireless champion for
privacy and personal freedom. There's no punch line here, just a tremendous
amount of respect.
GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD
RIDDANCE
Adieu, phthalates.
