With A Middle Name Like "Hvfvgpd," How Could He Not Win The Republican Nomination?

MISHAWAKA, Ind. - When we last left Tony Hvfvgpd Zirkle, which was prior to his adopting his unique middle name, he was busy prosecuting 80-year-old Shirley Balanow and her son Edwin, owners of two local Pleasureland Museum stores on charges of racketeering, money laundering and conspiracy to distribute obscene materials - but that was back in November, 2000, when he was the assistant prosecutor for St. Joseph County, and there have been some changes made (besides Tony's middle name) since.

Fast-forward to March 3 when, as part of his campaign to be the U.S. Representative from Indiana's 2nd District, Zirkle gave an interview to the Kokomo Perspective, wherein he first suggested that the U.S. should establish a permanent military base in Southern Lebanon, and that the area should be made into a "Christian state" - and then somehow, the conversation drifted into how well desegregation has worked in America.

"Well, has it?" Zirkle asked. "African-Americans in Indiana have 80 percent out-of-wedlock birth rate. Fifty percent of all African-Americans between 18 and 25 are in the criminal justice system. Is it working? I don't know. You can't say there is no argument to the contrary... While we are brainwashed with respect to integration and forcing everyone to be together and basically all arguments to the contrary are silenced, historically it's very often been the case that you have to segregate and apartheid people to stop the continual war."

Of course, when a local TV station called him on his racism, Zirkle was quick to explain what he meant.

"No one's calling for segregation as to what we saw in the past, where it was removing political power and oppressing the African-American community, that was wrong and that was criminal," Zirkle told WSBT News.

Instead, he said, a modern, non-oppressive form of segregation might be a necessary evil - like giving blacks their own states, based on their current percentage of the U.S. population!

"They would have six states, so instead of having one half-black senator, well they would have 12," Zirkle said, apparently referring to Illinois Sen. Barack Obama. "That's a phenomenal increase in political power."

Plus, according to what appears to be an analysis by South Bend Tribune reporter Beth Boehne, such divvying up of the country "could also save the costs of the crime rate - and reduce claims of racial profiling. Granted, he said, it could take a century for the move to really fall in place."

But hey, what's a century (or two) when you've got a Really Good Idea like that one?

Of course, he'd lump Hispanics in with whites, and as for mixed-race folks, "You'd have to let people declare what culture they want to be living in," Zirkle said, noting the Book of Daniel (not this one), verse 2:43, which explains, "And whereas thou sawest iron mixed with miry clay, they shall mingle themselves with the seed of men: but they shall not cleave one to another, even as iron is not mixed with clay."

Yes, Zirkle's come a long way since his 2006 run for the U.S. House, when he suggested that there ought to be "debate" over whether to use the guillotine to "punish porn pimps who prey on children."

But now, he's got an even better idea: Enlisting American Nazis to help stamp out porn!

Standing in front of the larger-than-life portrait of Hitler, flanked by an American flag on one side and a Nazi flag on the other, Zirkle addressed a Chicago gathering of the American National Socialist Workers Party (ANSWP) on the occasion of their celebration of the 119th anniversary of the birth of Nazi leader Adolf Hitler.

Zirkle's speech can be found here, including the part where he says that most of the male porn stars were Jewish at the beginning; that now, the male porn stars are "mostly black"; and that the women who appear in porn tend to be "young white Christian women" - and if that doesn't go a long way toward proving the Vast Jewish Conspiracy, you probably need to read the full diatribe by Bill White, Commander of the American National Socialist Workers Party.

But of course, what Zirkle's really been trying to talk about is porn - and how it affects everything in our lives. For instance, in answering a candidate questionnaire from the South Bend Tribune, when asked what is the best solution to the Iraq war, Zirkle replied, "The best solution? Stop glorifying adultery by enshrining neo-Baal porn worship in the heart of the First Amendment. Porn-adultery appoints 'terror' to us. Lev. 26:16. Remember, slave-raping extended the Civil War."

For those who don't have a Bible handy, the Leviticus verse, which refers to those who don't faithfully keep all of the Lord's commandments, reads, "I will also do this unto you: I will even appoint over you terror, consumption and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart; and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it."

(We think we know what "seed" they're talking about! Must be why Justice Antonin Scalia, father of nine, was so upset with the Lawrence v. Texas decision.)

Of course, it was the segregation comments that set off Republican party leaders and had them scurrying to distance themselves from Zirkle.

"These comments are antiquated and asinine and are the childish machinations of a publicity hound," said Chris Riley, St. Joseph County Republican chairman. "In no way does this notion of segregation reflect the views of the Republican party. This is just taking publicity hunting to a whole new low."

But what of the 30 percent of votes that Zirkle amassed in the 2006 Republican 2nd District primary race against incumbent Chris Chocola, when Zirkle made his "guillotine the porn pimps" remarks?

Back then, at least, Zirkle touched on issues that people care about, like pornography and prostitution, the Tribune quoted St. Joseph County Democratic Chairman Butch Morgan as saying. "Not now," he added.

"The Jews control prostitution and pornography, and the same Jews who create adult porn also create child porn and snuff porn, kidnapping women from Eastern European countries, torturing them, sometimes to death, beating them into sexual slavery, and holding them in areas, such as Zionist Occupied Palestine, that are tolerant of sexual slavery and abuse," said ANSWP's Bill White. "The Jews do this because of a deep racial hatred for white people, and particularly for white women, and they cover it up on the mainstream television and the mainstream papers because of their vast money and media influence."

"I thank Tony Zirkle for his efforts to help our membership and supporters understand the issue of prostitution," the Commander continued, "and I urge all observers of this 'scandal' to look at how the Jewish press has covered it - and how the subtle maneuverings of its authors slowly work to conceal and obfuscate the central fact - Jewish control of sexual exploitation of women - and turn it into a debate on the propriety of speaking to others about that fact... We further warn those inclined to denigrate this good man to cease and desist their efforts, before we are compelled to launch another Leonard Pitts or Jena 6 style protest campaign in the South Bend area. I also remind certain DC bloggers that I have been known to either come to the homes of or send others to the homes of blowhards to discuss their inappropriate commentary, and continue that inclination."

Well, at least Zirkle has more supporters somewhere than the six that turned up at his last debate!