HOLLYWOOD/JESUSLAND—You remember Jason Biggs, right? The kid that fucked the apple pie in the movie American Pie? The guy who was supposed to play the "Silent Bob/Chronic" character in the movie version of "Bluntman and Chronic," in Kevin Smith's Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back? The guy who does the voice of Leonardo on the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) animation? Funny guy, right? So who'd want to wage a war on that guy?
Would you believe the woman whom Keith Olbermann dubbed "a big mashed-up bag of meat with lipstick on it"?
Check out right-wing asshole Michelle Malkin's column from September 28, where she declared that despite her two kids being "huge fans of Nickelodeon TV programming throughout their childhoods," she's turning off the channel for good.
"This weekend," Malkin wrote, "the Viacom-owned children's network will debut a reboot of the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' TV series. One of the lead characters ('Leonardo') will be voiced by actor Jason Biggs. On August 29, Biggs published vile, lewd messages on his public Twitter account attacking the wives of the GOP presidential ticket during the Republican National Convention."
The offending tweets? "I'd totes dip a pinky or two in Paul Ryan's wife's bleached asshole (she obvs bleaches her asshole). #RNC." Then, when a follower accused him of ignoring Ann Romney, there was this exchange: "How dare you ignore Ann Romney’s asshole. Ur un-American." To which he responded, "Sorry ur right. I bet hers is un-bleached and hairy."
Biggs also found time to comment on the VP candidate's own possible sexual proclivities: "I bet there’s footage somewhere of Paul Ryan jerking off to a close-up photo of his widow’s peak. #RNC."
Of course, one thing that ought to be clear is that Biggs isn't tweeting for the fans of TMNT, most of whom (we're guessing) are too young to be interested in politics, and who might have trouble figuring out what's wrong/salacious about somebody bleaching her (or his) asshole, as many porn stars do because it looks better on camera.
But the War on Biggs took off just after the Republican National Convention ended.
"Late last week during the Republican convention, we learned that American Pie star Jason Biggs isn't anything like his onscreen persona," wrote John Nolte, columnist for the incredibly reactionary Breitbart.com. "That sweet, good-hearted character is in reality played by a vicious, unfunny pig who obviously has some issues with women.
"Free speech is a lovely concept worth defending and no one's telling Biggs to shut up (I rather like how free speech allows the wicked among us to reveal their true selves)," Nolte continued. "But 'free' doesn't mean 'consequence free,' and not only has the blowback against Biggs been such that the coward deleted the offending tweets about Paul Ryan's wife, but now Biggs' current employer, children's network Nickelodeon, has a very serious p.r. problem on its hands."
Yes, the War on Biggs is all about bullying: You know, making billionaire politicians and their cohorts in the legislature feel bad about something other than the fact that they're filthy rich and don't give a fuck about "lesser people."
"Nickelodeon, the kids’ TV channel, apparently sees no problem with directing children to the Twitter feed of one of its voiceover stars, Jason Biggs—even if Biggs tweets reprehensible things about the anuses of conservative political women like Janna Ryan, wife of VP candidate Paul Ryan," wrote Ben Shapiro, heir apparent to Breitbart.com and its online brethren since their soused founder dropped dead soon after an anti-Occupy tirade. "It would be difficult to describe Biggs’ tweets as anything other than the worst sort of cyberbullying. But Nickelodeon doesn’t seem to care.
"They don’t seem to care, even though one of their biggest initiatives is their Anti-Bullying Initiative," Shapiro continued. "The website for that initiative insists, 'Bullying doesn't have to happen in person. Sometimes bullies will say hurtful things on the Internet. It’s important to also learn about cyberbullying!' Not only that—Nickelodeon encourages you to 'Stand up for someone that you see being bullied and tell an adult about the problem.'"
Perhaps we should get something straight: Nickelodeon is a website mainly for kids, which after all is the channel's target audience. Urging kids to stand up for those being bullied in school or on the playground is a tad different from worrying whether fantasizing over Ann Romney's or Janna Ryan's bleached asshole might cause one of the women to need an extra visit with her shrink, or an extra "sleep aid."
And the discussion is far from academic: These jackasses have decided that nothing less will satisfy them than getting Biggs canned from his job because of his tweets—not unlike they incessantly berated—and drove out of office—Rep. Anthony Wiener for tweeting a photo of his (clothed) cock.
"Some quick questions," Shapiro posed for Nickelodeon's owners:
• "Do you intend to go forward with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle reboot with Biggs as the voice of Leonardo?"
• "Do you believe Mr. Biggs' cyber-bullying of conservative women compromises your company's anti-bullying efforts?"
• "Do you believe Jason Biggs' misogynist tweets about conservative women will alienate families who watch your programming?"
And of course:
• "If Jason Biggs had tweeted about Michelle Obama's anus, would he be able to keep his job with you?"
Because as everyone knows, for the wingnuts, it's really all about equality... and "protecting the kids"... about whom they don't really give a shit once they're out of the birth canal.
"Biggs faced a harsh backlash on Twitter and deleted the offensive tweets, but he and his wife show no remorse for their actions," wrote Media Research Center's (MRC) Lauren Thompson, Biggs' current biggest online detractor, with the inevitable answer to Shapiro's question: "No doubt Biggs would be fired immediately and ostracized from liberal society if his comments were made about Michelle Obama."
(We admit we're trying to imagine just what the African-American Mrs. Obama's asshole would look like bleached... and what the point of doing such bleaching would be...)
See, it isn't Biggs' freedom of speech that really concerns them; it's that Nickelodeon, they claim, is posting links to Biggs' Twitter feed on their site.
"Yes, that's right," Nolte claimed. "Nickelodeon directs your children to a Twitter account filled with sexist talk of bleached assholes, incest (complete with photos), 'cock,' photos of dildos, and Chick-fil-A trashing."
Of course, that was written back in September, and the company may have scrubbed any links to Biggs' tweets—but a December 4 article on the ultra-conservative MRC website claims they still exist, though we were unable to find any where they likely would be, which is here.
And Nolte's diatribe points up another reason Biggs has earned conservatives' ire: He had the temerity to speak ill of fast-food chain Chick-Fil-A, whose bigoted president and Chief Operating officer Dan Cathy stated, "I think we are inviting God's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say, 'We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage'. I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about."
And that brings us to the Right-Wing Moral-o-sphere's latest outrages: Thompson is scandalized that Biggs directed a tweet at Pope Benedict XVI, reading, "Hey @pontifex since u obvs like the web and shit u should totes peep christianmingle.com lots of great ass ur welcome," while Biggs' wife, former Playmate Jenny Mollen, is raked over the coals for posting, back in May, this supposedly incest-promoting tweet directed at Nickelodeon-watching kids' parents: "My husband is up for a Teen Choice Award which means tons of 8th grader pussy! Please make sure your kids vote!"
But perhaps the biggest laugh-producing take-away from Thompson's latest column is its conclusion: "So far there’s only silence from the left, driving home the point that liberals will never hold their kind accountable."
BWAH-HAH-HAH—"LIBERALS will never hold their kind accountable"!!! You know: Unlike those accountable-holding Republicans who so publicly savaged serial-wife-cheater Newt Gingrich, prostitute-visiting/diaper-wearing Sen. David Vitter, men's room foot-tapping lothario Sen. Larry Craig... do we really have to go on?
But AVN just wants to say, "Thank you, Jason, for showing the youth of America a new way to masturbate. You've earned your place in sex education history!"