Simians Scratch Heads Over Condom Enforcement

SIMI VALLEY, Calif.—Sure, it’s easy to say you’re going to force people to wear condoms, but enforcing it is another matter. How exactly does that implementation mechanism work? That is the question that faces the Simian city fathers—aka, people from Simi Valley—who have already indicated their intention to inspect the penises of porn performers who dare to shoot in their fair city.

Of course, the real intent of the proposed ordinance that will tie condoms to the issuance of film permits in the unincorporated Ventura County city is to dissuade producers from shooting there. But to do that you need to put the fear of God into them … literally.

Hey, maybe this is a job for priests! They’re celibate and supposedly disinterested in corporal things—except punishment, of course—so one has to assume they won’t be tempted by the sight of such heavenly adult manliness.

Okay, that was a joke. Priests are out. They’re too untrustworthy when it comes right down to it. How about nuns?

Nuns definitely would add something special to a porn set, but perhaps not the sort of something special that the Simians have in mind. Scratch that idea, too.

An article by Scripps on the subject suggests that the powers to be are considering cops for the job, on a “spot check basis,” whatever that means. Maybe it means that they’ll stop in during a donut break just to see that everything is copasetic. Of course, if that happens then what’s to stop them from invading the craft services table while they’re scoping out the rubbers? Considering the tight budgets these days, a pig at the trough could put a production into the red in a New York minute. Bad idea all the way around.

Needless to say, the brainiacs at AIDS Healthcare Foundation—you know, the shills for the condom industry—haven’t a clue how these cities are going to enforce these laws any more than the Angelenos and Simians who think they are so necessary, but that doesn’t stop them from crowing about the need to stem the nonexistent epidemic of STDs in the industry.

“We wholeheartedly support it," the article quotes Brian Chase, AHF’s assistant general counsel, as saying of the proposed Simi Valley ordinance. “We think it's very important that this industry learn that it can't keep getting away with its unsafe practices, even if it tries to move."

Yeah, it’s going to be a real ordeal moving to Simi Valley. It’ll take all of 90 seconds for most industry people in the Valley to make the trip. Many of them live there, for chrissake! It’s so typical of AHF to not think through the real-world implications of the unenforceable law they so easily shamed the LA City Council into passing.

This may be something that some people have trouble understanding, but in Simi Valley they still have the opportunity, unlike their counterparts in Los Angeles, to come to their Simian senses. In mainstream movies, everyone but the immediate crew is ordered off the set when sex scenes are being shot. Things are a little more lax in porn, but if anyone thinks there will not be hell to pay the first time a city employee or designee demands by order of the Simian city council to see someone’s genitals, they've got another thing coming. They're going to have to pay for the privilege or download it illegally just like everyone else!

It will be the same in Los Angeles or any other city that thinks they can actually conduct on-set inspections to ensure that condoms are placed on penises when they are in vaginas and assholes. No one has even yet defined exactly when and for how long the condoms must be used, or is that just a niggling detail to be sorted out on set? Maybe it will be left up to the discretion of the inspector, which will really be interesting.

The way these people are going about implementing this thing, it’s going to wind up killing people. Perhaps it does make sense to use priests after all.