Hey, Kids: Have YOU Had Your National Orgasm Day Orgasm Yet?

INTERCOURSE, Pa.*—May was National Masturbation Month, but July 31 is National Orgasm Day—and plenty of news "organs" have posted information about how to take advantage of the new "holiday" (even though you still have to go to work)—and why faking it, even if you're as good at it as Meg Ryan, is a bad idea.

Our sources say that the first "National Orgasm Day" was actually the result of a law passed in Brazil, which termed it "International Female Orgasm Day," and was meant to encourage men to make sure their partners had orgasms—and they celebrate it there on Aug. 8. But for some reason, as if the answer weren't obvious enough, the first question asked by several of those who've written about the holiday (possibly rhetorically) is "Why orgasm?"—as if anyone reading this has to ask! But according to Huffington Post UK, there are at least six reasons: Orgasms help you stay youthful, relieve stress; coming in contact with semen has "anti-depressant" qualities (not that a woman needs a cock for an orgasm); they boost the immune system and help get you to sleep—and the more often you get off, the better it feels next time!

Some folks, however, may never have experienced an orgasm, so the UK's National Health Service has published a handy guide to let you know what one feels like: "An intense, pleasurable release of sexual tension [that] is accompanied by contractions of the genital muscles." Also good to know: "A woman may be able to experience more than one orgasm shortly after the first, if she continues to be stimulated," and, "A minority of women may ejaculate: a clear fluid spurts from glands close to the urethra during intense sexual excitement or during orgasm. The glands are called the Skene's glands."

But this isn't a woman-only holiday; guys can do it too!: "In men, muscle contractions cause semen containing sperm to spurt out of the penis (ejaculation). After this, a man cannot have another orgasm for a while. This recovery phase, in which the penis and testicles shrink back to their normal size, can last from a few minutes to a few hours."

Sadly, though, according to a 2015 Cosmopolitan mag survey on orgasms, only 57 percent of women were able to have an orgasm while having sex, though men were able to at least 95 percent of the time. As The Donald might say: "SAD!"

But there are several reasons why some women may have difficulty getting off. Among them, according to sexpert Tracey Cox, are: 1) Too busy, stressed or angry; 2) Lack of understanding of how your body works; 3) Lack of sexual confidence; 4) Inability to communicate desires; 5) Intercourse is painful; 6) Your partner is BORING! (or you've just lost interest in him); 7) Your partner's in a rush to Get It Done; or 8) You've had traumatic sexual experiences in the past.

Fortunately, Cox has a few suggested cures, including: 1) Use a vibrator; 2) When the pressure builds, go with it! (even if you don't know exactly what "it" is); and/or 3) Fantasize a bit, or even use porn (though she admits there are a few pitfalls to the latter).

Even Glamour magazine is getting into the act, having just published "8 Fun Facts About Orgasms for National Orgasm Day." For example, "People who smoke weed have more orgasms. Like, way more. Pot smokers surveyed were 109 percent more likely to have multiple orgasms." Also, be a redhead, a nerd (or fuck one), be politically active, and Do It in Miami, most of which sound reasonable ... except the last one: "Emoji flirting is good for your sex life. Women who use the lips and kissing emoji have more orgasms with their partners ... so it may be time to ramp up the sexting."

Finally, if you think you're the Orgasm Expert, Metro News (UK) has a little test for you.

But the point is, you've still got a few hours left in the day, so why not use them the best way?

Pictured: Sinn Sage, owner of one of the best orgasm faces in porn.

* Yes, there really is such a place. It's kinda near Lancaster... and just south of Blue Ball.