Finally, A Supreme Court Decision We Can Get Behind!

WASHINGTON, D.C.—It's been many years cumming, but in an as-yet-unpublished Onion opinion in the case of City of Charleston v. The Kanawha Players, the U.S. Supreme Court on Monday finally agreed that the First Amendment means what it says when it comes to protection of speech—even sexual speech.

"It is the opinion of this court that the right to speak without censorship or fear of intimidation is fundamental to a healthy democracy," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote for the 6-3 majority. "Furthermore, the court finds that the right to say whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want, is not only a founding tenet, but remains essential to the continued success of this nation ... In short, freedom of speech means the freedom of fucking speech, you ignorant cocksuckers."

Perhaps even more impressive was Justice Steven Breyer's concurrence.

"The plaintiff clearly brought this suit without reading the fucking Bill of Rights," he wrote, displaying the new candor that the high court will now follow when dealing with decisions regarding indecency and obscenity. "I'm not referring to a thorough grounding in the subtleties of Constitutional law, but, rather, the 15 fucking seconds it takes to read Amendment I, because after 230 goddamn years of the U.S. Constitution, the general citizenry ought to know their own First Fucking Amendment. But it seems that gang of hillbillies is too busy cornholing they's cuzzins to pick up a book, so in review: It doesn't matter how fucking annoying the speech is, nor how filthy the speech is, nor how fucking insufferable a douche-nozzle the speaker is; if we adopted the practice of suspending fundamental rights every time some dried-out cunt from the sticks was offended by the word 'balls,' this country would be fucked five ways from Fuddrucker's."

It's a decision the adult industry has been awaiting for a very long time, especially with Paul "Max Hardcore" Little's petition for certiorari on his obscenity case approaching finalization. However, it's unclear how the decision will affect the upcoming obscenity trials of Evil Angel owner John Stagliano and actor/director Barry Goldman.

Perhaps the most welcome aspect of the decision was that it was joined by Justice Clarence Thomas, who recently expressed pro-speech inclinations with his concurrence in the majority's remand of the Federal Communications Commission v. Fox Broadcasting case to the Second Circuit, in which Thomas suggested that that court consider the constitutional aspects of the FCC's policy regarding broadcast indecency.

"I don't know what kind of bullshit passes for jurisprudence down in the 4th Circuit these days," Thomas wrote. "But those pricks can take their arguments about speech that 'appeals only to prurient interests' and go suck a dog's asshole. Just suck it. Get in there and seriously suck it."

As expected, Justice Antonin Scalia, joined by Chief Justice John Roberts and Associate Justice Samuel Alito, vehemently dissented from the majority opinion, in which Ginsburg repeatedly referred to the City petitioners  as "fuckwits," "asshats" and "cumsacks."

"The court has an interest in protecting meaningful human communication, which is jeopardized when every other word out of someone's mouth is 'F this' or 'F that,'" Scalia wrote. "In practice, such an expansion of free expression becomes far too unwieldy and large to accommodate."

Reportedly, when asked to comment on that portion of Scalia's diatribe, Ginsburg retorted, "Yeah, that's what his mom said."

"It's a decision I've waited my whole professional life to see," said one prominent First Amendment attorney. "At last I can finally think about retiring and finally catching on all those sporting events I've wanted to attend."

Indeed, it seems almost like a dream come true for the thousands of adult industry employees and their millions of fans around the world—and it's certainly a landmark that will be remembered for decades to come.