Harvey Schmidlap is one of those Securities and Exchange Commission senior staff members who, as Rep. Darrell Issa complained, “were spending more time looking at porn than taking action to help stave off the events that put our nation’s economy on the brink of collapse.” In fact, investigations dated back at least to 2008, the same year that the financial meltdown began. Goofing off at the office had evolved into jerking off at the office. The internet had facilitated the morphing of junior executives from playing online solitaire during working hours to playing with themselves during working hours. Ironically, the SEC itself had helped to enable that process by arguing that too much congressional regulation would stifle the promise of vast profits resulting from the obscene practice of derivatives.
Meanwhile, in August 2009, an AIDS advocacy group claimed that Los Angeles County public health officials had failed to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted infections in the adult film industry. The AIDS Healthcare Foundation petitioned the Superior Court to order the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health to enforce regulations that require condom use in porn productions. In March 2010, state regulators voted unanimously to create an advisory committee to consider increasing regulation that would include testing for STIs and mandating the use of condoms. And so it came to pass one weekday afternoon that, while supposedly on the job, Schmidlap found himself in the middle of watching a porn movie titled The Great Condom Cop Caper ...
A police officer has been speaking with a porn actress in her dressing room during a half-hour break in shooting at a New York locale. He seems to be somewhat embarrassed, with an erection showing through his uniform.
Officer: “And did you know that the Catholic Church has demanded an apology from Great Britain’s Foreign Office because an internal memo suggested—as a joke, of course—that Pope Benedict should launch a creative condom brand during his visit to the United Kingdom?”
Actress: “Oh, would it be theologically correct? The Vatican could have volunteers make pinhole pricks in the reservoir tips so that the sperm could have a fighting chance.”
Officer: “Very funny. Anyway, look, I’m really sorry, but I’m afraid that I’m legally obliged to arrest you now for having intercourse without a condom. It’s for your own protection.”
Actress: “Yeah, right. This is just too ironic. Here in New York, they’ve been giving away condoms free for like 40 years, and I’m only 34. But get this: A week ago, I was busted on suspicion of being an illegal sex worker, meaning a prostitute, because I actually did have a couple of packs of condoms in my purse. The goddam cop confiscated ’em—he took away my protection, even though I swore to him that they were for my new boyfriend until he gets tested for the HIV virus. But no, this cop just didn’t give a shit. Back here at the studio, we’re all tested periodically. We take good care of ourselves, so we don’t need no steenkin’ condoms. We don’t enjoy using ’em, and the customers who buy our product don’t enjoy watching ’em.”
Officer: “You know, I could let you go this time—with just a warning—in exchange for a little nookie. You think?”
Actress: “Your handcuffs or mine?”
Officer [chuckling as he pulls down his pants]: “I take it that’s a yes?”
Actress [opening her bathrobe and stroking his penis through his underwear]: “Yes, but only if you have a condom. [Sarcastically] I mean I don’t have the slightest idea where your dick has been.”
Officer: “I don’t have a condom.”
Actress: “Then you’ll just have to arrest me. I can’t take any chances. I’m sure you understand.”
Officer: “Oh, wait. I have this.” [Reaches down and removes a pair of white rubber-like gloves from his pants, putting one back in the pocket and holding up the other for her to see]
Actress [laughing]: “It looks like a multi-tasking French tickler.”
Officer: “But it’s made of latex, just like a condom.”
[The officer puts the glove on his penis and proceeds to fuck the actress in various positions, leaving a red handprint on her buttocks, and finally masturbating over her open mouth until he ejaculates—right into the fingers of the latex glove.]
Actress: “That’s the most bizarre money shot I’ve ever seen ...”
At this point, Harvey Schmidlap suddenly felt compelled to shut off his computer. He grabbed his cell phone and called his stockbroker with a concise instruction—“Buy 300 shares of the Latex Industry Group immediately”—then reached for a Kleenex, sinking into his ergonomic leather chair and relaxing in the afterglow of the fiscally inspired climax that he had just inadvertently experienced.
Paul Krassner is the author of Who’s to Say What’s Obscene? His column appears bimonthly in AVN. This column originally ran in the August 2010 issue.
