ANOKA COUNTY, Minn.—Notice to teen burglars: If caught, blaming your crime on porn addiction will only get you the national media attention you were trying to avoid, and none of the sympathy you were trying to get. Ask Amanda Owens, the Minnesota teen who got caught robbing her neighbor by crawling through the doggy door … on three separate occasions.
Okay, right there we know that Amanda, who is 18 years old, is not the brightest bulb in the package, but we digress …
After Owens burgled her neighbor’s place twice on consecutive days during the week, the neighbor assumed correctly that the miscreant would go for a triple play, and set up a camera. According to the police report, the camera caught Owens “squeezing into the residence through the doggy door at 7:50 a.m. from outside the home.” Trip three didn’t result in much more being taken than a Red Bull, but it was still breaking and entering and the police were duly called.
Owens, a former babysitter for the neighbor, owned up to the crimes, saying she went into the house three days in a row, getting away with a camera, a briefcase and a jar of money.
“The defendant stated she is addicted to pornography and purchased 20 to 30 DVDs and owed money, that’s why she burglarized [the neighbor’s] home in attempt to get items to pawn for cash.”
Okay, I’m calling bullshit. Sorry, Amanda. You look cute (even if the acne is getting the better of you at the moment), but that doesn’t give you the right to pull a Ted Bundy and blame the porn when you know very well that the only think you’re addicted to is Nestle Crunch bars and Dancing with the Stars.
First, porn DVDs aren’t exactly the sort of contraband that you procure now and pay for later. For one thing, they only cost about a buck! So at best, some idiot fronted you, what, $30 worth of DVDs? What were they going to do, take your toe ring if you didn’t pay up?
Second, there isn’t a teen left in the country who actually pays for porn! If you are the last porn-paying teen left in America, you have far worse problems than a lousy burglary charge. You have no future at all, darling.
Third, if a cute female teen from Minnesota is addicted to porn, you’re going to tell me that there aren’t an equal or greater number of pimply faced male teens who wouldn’t gladly spend their crack money on some porn for the girl? Or “borrow” from a torrent to fulfill her desperate needs? Oh, I think we know the answer to that.
No, there is no addiction problem here other than an addiction to lying. But Amanda may in fact be ready to face that one (without the help of Dr. Drew!) after realizing that the porn addiction lie—rather than the porn—will be her claim to fame for a long time to come.
For some insight into that, she can ask Anthony Weiner and a gaggle of other politicians about the efficacy of lying about sex (assuming she knows what a politician is or what efficacy means).
Boy, am I a bitch today, or what?
(Ed. note: Comments made in this admittedly pathetic attempt at satire are not an endorsement of stealing porn. Rather, they are meant to acknowledge the sad fact that most teens—i.e. of-age young people—would rather gouge out their eyeballs than pay for the stuff. To put it another way, I suspect that for many the thought of paying has probably never even entered their brains. If Amanda did indeed pay for porn DVDs, she is to be commended, unless, of course, she truly is addicted, which I doubt. But if she is, then please, Amanda, return the damn DVDs and get some help. It gets better.)
Photo: Amanda Owens with (inset) doggy door
