Remember King Kong vs. Godzilla? What a gigantic throwdown! While no miniature buildings of Tokyo get destroyed in this vid, the earth shakes 'n quakes just as mightily with these heavy hitters and their indecently endowed partners. But size isn't everything, as some say. Despite its overall tonnage of noir-ish Nubians, Big Ums 3 is far from The Big Heat.

A lengthy bout with drilldos and vibes can be seen as either a slow warmup or a yawn-inducing drag, depending on the viewer's predilection for toys. Eventually the typical (uncredited, horse-hung) Evasive crew of cocksmiths enter the fray. Sadly, all Hell fails to break loose. Once the humping begins, it reaches a rather tepid peak and stays there, like an unwanted relative, for the duration — and then some.

Retailing: Fattie fetishists/big dick.