Adult videos tend to be very pragmatic about retirements. Lauren Hall goes out the door, so you find a replacement and make it into a video feature. Randy West, who discovered Belinda Quinn, Hall's character in Legend I & II, is combing the wilds for a new starlet, but no one seems to shine up to the caliber of his former sex queen. One girl has more metal in her mouth than a Japanese automobile. Another wannabe starlet will only perform with her boyfriend every other Saturday on the eve of a full moon.

Enter Linda Lane (Ashlyn Gere) who's awkward and mousy but loaded with fire. Sandra Scream, West's assistant, sees Gere as a lost cause, but West thinks she's got raw potential and is willing to shell out big bucks for Gere's overhaul. Yeah, right. To get her bod in shape, Gere is placed in the hands of trainer Mike Horner, who's the former president of the Richard Simmons fan club and has the mince to prove it. Rather than spring for a costly boob job, West has just purchased a nifty Beast-o-matic through a mail order catalog. And though it looks suspiciously like an ordinary tire pump, it's designed to fix all kinds of flats. Unfortunately, it goes for naught as Gere develops camera fright during a porn remake of Hamlet.

It doesn't take a nuclear physicist to conclude that Scream is going to step in (only after a little skullduggery) as the new legend. But, then, you'll have to see the next installment which places this series in logical contention for having the most roman numerals in video.

Like its predecessors, Legend III is glib, sarcastic and irreverent in its treatment of the adult business. Scream, predictably has her sex scene with Woody Long, but look for two sparklers from Ashlyn as she takes on Mike Horner and then West in a wrap-up threesome including Raven. Good show.