Being that I'm color-blind, you can imagine my reluctance in reviewing a vid called Blue Army I kept looking for something blue but I saw nothing – no blue toilet water (now there's a tasty beverage), no blue hair (like those old broads on "Golden Girls") and definitely no blue balls (if I still had 'em). Then I thought maybe I'd missed something, y'know, being this is an Asian video with subtitles in English. English? It might as well have been Pig Latin. I mean with lines like, "Let me find where is your breast and show us," those Mr. Ed reruns on "Nick-at-Nike" were lookin' pretty good.

Why subtitles? Why poorly written subtitles? I can't figure out why they just didn't dub the lines like they did in one of my favorite flicks What's New Pussycat? (Even though What's New Weimaraner? Would've been a catchier title.) I just don't get it. I know I have four legs and don't walk erect, I know that every time my dad walks in, I act like I haven't seen him in three years, and I know I get excited at the sound of a can opener, but Jeez – misspelled, grammatically incorrect subtitles? This vid couldn't get week-old Alpo hard.

I guess I'm obliged to talk about the sex. V*dSr@#Pj, -- Sorry, you shoulda smelt the ass on that Shitzu that just walked by. Where was I? Oh yeah the sex. Well, there's not much to bark about. There are no penetration shots (hey, I may've been fixed – but I'm not dead!), bad angles miss whatever action there is, the women moan like a litter of whimpering Whippets and, well – none of the guys are exactly hung like a Great Dane. Needless to say the only bone I had was a half-eaten month-old piece of Rawhide between my paws.

There is a scene that starts out promising, with tit and armpit licking, but before you can say, "Morris the fucking cat," this guy's pulling two pairs of underwear off this broad. Two pairs? Christ, I thought I peed at every tree, fire hydrant and lamp post – this bitch must have drank three bowls of water before this scene.

With its laughable dialogue, houndingly covered and executed sex, Blue Army has the same lingering scent as the aptly-named Chinese dish – Poo Poo Platter. I feel for you, my Pekingese brothers.